Living together and broken up

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Living together and broken up
5
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:42pm
I have known my boyfriend since high school. We used to hangout in the same click and be really close as well as physically involved which was about 8 years about. Well about 15 months ago we both ran into each other and started to see each other. We are 26. We both also just got out of 3year relationships. So we started dating exclusively and things were so great. I think because we have always known each other we did not have to go through the whole beginning stages and we were so completely comfortable with each other. Which led to us spending every other nite together, doing family things, becoming extremely close with his daughter. After 4 months he moved in with me while he started to build a new house. We knew I would probably then move into the new house once it was done. At about 6months we went on our first vacation for 9 days. Every is all great we are best friends, do everything together, our physical relationship is great. We decide it just feels right and it would be easier to do it together that we invest together in the house and get something bigger where we could have it doing it together. We move in we are great its like our own little family I give him everything have dinner on the table help him with his daughter. He always pays for me and takes care of me. Just one thing is missing....I want him to be more romantic and I tell him which causes fights and leads me to be insecure because I want him to do things that I think a boyfriend should and he doesn't. I sense him pulling away a little bit. This is happening after being in the house for over 4 months. More discussions continue which I start and he says he is not an open type of person and if I want a romeo I should go find one. And he said the is feeling like he is married and has to check in with someone. Well to make a long story short now it has gotten to the point where he needs to take steps back. We are technically broken up but he says his intentions are to NOT go out and be with any other girl and this is not why he is doing this. He tells me I am the best girlfriend he has ever had I am caring and loving and has been one of the most generous person he has had in his life. I am beautiful and great to his daughter and our sex life is great and he is so comfortable but...He says he does not want this serious relationship right now and the drama and the responsibility. He says he needs to take time to himself to better himself and make himself happy because if he is not happy he cannot make anyone else happy. And because of the great person I am he this is why he is initiating us to be at this point. He needs some time to better himself and figure out if he wants this relationship. Its not that he does not want me or love me and care for me. He just does not love me how I love him. This is not about not wanting me. Its about himself and fixing himself and deciding if he wants this serious relationship. This was about 2 weeks ago. Well since I have been so hurt by this I have been crying alot and so unhappy and caused a fight this past weekend that pushed him to now saying that he does not think it will work with us living together in our house that he sees it as impossible cause he does not know how long it is going to take him. I told him to please give me one more chance and I will give him his time. I just dont understand how he can buy a house with me and know the commitment and then decide he might not want one. I love that house. I love him. I dont want to separate the too and he says we probably would end up together. How can I just sell out my share of the house and then we get back together and I move back into what was originally my house. I am just freaking out and i dont understand how he could be doing this! After everything we have done and everything he has and how great he says I am. He says he does not want to lose me but know the chance he is doing by taking this time to better himself and figure his stuff out! HELP!
Avatar for lisa19722001
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:54pm

I know it must be hard but I have to tell you...some men are just not the romantic type. After endless amounts of being basically told he isnt good enough probably caused him to want to step back. MY husband is not the most romantic person in the world either but I accept that. Most men are not like what you read in books or see on tv. I also think maybe you both rushed to quickly into moving in together....

I think you need to let him be who he is...romantic or not. Plus do you really want him to buy you flowers and take you out to romantic fancy restaurants just because YOU told him too???? YOu said everything else is great....let it be.

Now you have to give him his space because you backed him in a corner.

Dont bring it up and let him come to you.

~L

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:18pm
Thanks for the help. But now my issue is that he does not think he can have his space with us living together and he says if its meant to be it will be. And with the house being in our names it makes it so much more confusing. And if he says that he cannot do it and then I move out cause I dont think I can afford the house by myself I think I will be crushed. I dont think I could ever give him another chance. I dont think I could ever talk to him again. It was one thing to give him his space and take some steps back and focus on ourselves and not the whole relationship and everything that goes with it, but to go through all the hassle and legalities of the house so he can have his space seems too much. If we have put so much into each other then why get rid of it all. It seems like we are taking way to many steps back if we get rid of the house. I dont think I could put myself through that. I would worry everyday I would be crushed. I would have to go find some other place to live for 6 months to go by and say he does want us. And he acts like it is just so easy! He says he is in pain, but I don't see it AT ALL. I asked him to please reconsider us not living together in the house and told him I can control my emotions and give him his space and time. What more can I do. Could he be telling me all these great things along with the things I dont want to make me feel better. Maybe he just does not want us anymore and is trying to make it easier for me by telling me all these other excuses. Should I just shut my mouth and wait till he tells me what he decides. Yesterday I told him to reconsider and tell what he wants to do with us living together and its killing me I am just sitting here waiting! And crying constantly when I am at the house cause I just dont want any of that too change!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:09pm
it's weird but i am going through the same thing. i just moved into a house with my boyfriend that i have been with for 5 years. i am almost 22. so this was my first real relationship. and two days ago he said he needs to be single for the first time in his life. yet we live together. he is my bestfriend and i really wish i could make this work. but the truth is i have no idea how it will. i haven't eaten in 48 hours, i feel completely shocked, hurt, rejected, and overwhelmed with emotion. so if you wanna talk my email is byrnet@eou.edu. i am here for you if you need me. -tara
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:07am

Why are they doing this too us? I feel your pain, this past weekend I could not eat, all I did was cry, I could not breathe, I pretty much made myself sick. I have tried everything possible to try and re-show him the kind of girl I am....i have tried the whole play games and be mad thing and threaten him that he needs to decide soon or I will be gone forever, but that just made it worse and piss him off more. We sleep in separate bedrooms, we are not having sex, and we are congenial and talk to each other, but its just breaking my heart. Why do they move into houses with us and then pull this. They know the commitment they are getting themselves into before they do this. They are not idiots. My boyfriend is 26 and a smart guy why get a house and a mortgage with a girl you supposedly care so much for and love (but not in love) and decide to break up and pull some garbage like I need to better myself and make myself happy before I have to make anyone else happy. Maybe I should not try and stay? He still has not given me his final decision on what exactly he is doing about living together or not while he is going through this. But still claims its not about other girls and he wont be goin out there trying. Maybe I should just realize that if he wanted me and us and if he wanted this house and us to be in it together then he would not be doing this....I cannot make him feel a certain way....If he wanted this at all he would not be ending every single aspect of this relationship. But he says he will still want to spend time together and go out to dinner and stuff! I dont want to lose both him and the house. Should I keep trying to save this or should i just go....but if I go I know that I would have to go forever cause I would not be able to bear it....and now he actually just calls me at work to talk to me, but its for help with traffic on his way to work. In the past 2 days he has not initiated any conversation with me besides one question he asked me about cell phones. Maybe he is just trying to stay focused on work and not start any conversations with me that will lead to being serious conversations and drama that he just does not want to deal with? Should I try and convince him not to do this if he comes to me and says he definitely thinka we should not live together....should I ignore him....or should I just be willing and say to myself if he wanted me and us he would not be doing this and just go?

Hun, make sure you are eating a little something. I made myself sick over the past couple weeks since he told me he wanted to take his time....I have lost 10 pounds and starved myself thinking if i got a little bit skinnier he may want me more....i lost it trying to find every way to change his mind where if i was thinking staighter i would have known that he is going to do this and its going to take him time maybe months....Hang in there! Just don't threaten and play games...i dont know what kind of guy he is but it just made my guy more pist and angry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:12pm
Hey there. I really feel for you and hope you get the answers you need. IMO, I think this guy is calling all the shots and its not fair. Guys will push as far as you let them. If he wants out, cry, scream, breakdown and whatever else you want to do,BUT just don't let him see it. Go to a co-workers or a friends and do it there. It sounds to me with him calling you just to ask for traffic reports and other nonsense...very insensitive. Its going to be hard but you have to do this for you because whether you accept it or not, this guy has made up his mind. Stop giving him what he wants with everything he has done to you. If he wants out, you both sit down and figure out how to do this. Keep it strictly business and no small talk. You have to have the attitude, if he don't care, then I don't care. You can't want it more than he does or show him that. Guys prey on our weakness. I have been there and it got me nowhere because if they decide its over, then its over. They keep looking at other girls while with you and when they see where they can make their move, they just up and leave. This is premeditated, its not something that just popped up in his head when he woke up. At this point, he is convinced that he is doing the right thing for HIM!!! Whether its a mistake that he will realize later on or not. Now he knows that you are not what he wants. You have nothing else to lose by shutting him out like he is doing to you. Emotions won't let him feel sorry for you at all.