Lonelyness After Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Lonelyness After Breakup
8
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 5:10pm

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading the boards everyday and they are very helpful. I broke up with my ex over 2 months ago and have been on NC for 7 weeks. We had been together for 5 years...she broke up with me by the way. I don't want to confuse issues but I live directly below her (that's another can of worms that has been addressed to a certain point). But within the last week or so I have been experiencing pretty intense loneliness and with it a certain amount of depression. I'm getting flooded with memories I haven't thought of since before the relationship began... some of the memories happened during and some before the relationship...some are really heartbreaking. Why is it that 2 months into the breakup I'm getting these intense feelings of lonelyness and depression...and it's Spring. I realize that it's going to take at least a year to start to feel a bit better and some of the listings I've read tell honestly of how hard it's going to be. I'm taking it a day at a time. The NC has helped and I'm trying to have a good attitude. It would, of course, be easier if she lived elsewhere. It's tough, as many of you might have gone through not only losing your ex but also her family as well...it's not good. I have friends but they all have their own thing (schedule), my ex can find new friends easily and has. It's tougher for me...I'm not antisocial, I just have to figure out what I can do and where I can go to find people.

EDS

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 6:19pm

After a break up it's normal to feel lonely and depressed. You both had 5 years together and you both live in the same building. Perhaps, since she was the one breaking up with you, she's moved on quicker and has found new people to hang out with. You on the other hand, are still grieving her loss and her family's loss.

Give it time. You'll also move on at one point and will find some new people to hang out with. It's possible that your present emotional state is affecting your ability to relate to others in a social setting. You may need more "you time" to fully heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 7:04pm

Thank you Light and Bright,

Right now I am taking it a day at a time. I am reading the boards daily and will see about finding an outlet as I really didn't have one during the relationship because I must have been in some sort of comfort zone. Thank you.

EDS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 8:08pm

Whether your ex lived below you or half way around the world, chances are you would still be going through what you are right now... the "rememberance" phase.

If you were to write you were together for 5 years, and seven weeks on, you aren't thinking about the past, I'd be worried... and wonder just what (OR WHO!!) the heck you were thinking of!

Loneliness after a break-up is completely normal and expected. They key is to find something (not necessarily someone, but something) which exposes you to a new routine... a change of pace, change of scenary, interactions with new people, ideas about new things... anything to keep your mind and self active and not preoccupied with thinking about the past.

Don't put yourself on a schedule or deadline... take it day by day.

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 8:21pm

Thank you Mblade,

"a new routine... a change of pace, change of scenary" I was going to join the YMCA but was procrastinating, I'll look more seriously into it now; that might be a good start. Thank you.

EDS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:03pm
cfrenzy, everyone hits a wall, whether it be loss of a family member,loss of a job,diagnosed with terminal illness, everthing shatters we don't just throw it away. i read a story of a 1.3 million ferrari enzo accidently hitting a wall when something so expensive shatters all parts are not thrown away ther are rebuilt. Thats what happens to us, GOD rebuilds our lives trust him, just a mustard seed of faith. Let go & let GOD heal you a day at a time .......CELESTE_42
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 6:47am

Thank you Celest,

I pray everyday, these days it's to get through the day. We all have responsibilities as do I. So I have to continue to try my best and G-d is part of that.

EDS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 1:46am

Have you thought of maybe moving to another residence maybe a few miles from your neighborhood?

I think it get you easier into recovery, if you surround yourself with new places, new people and new experiences.

Just be open to a whole new idea that there are better things out there waiting to bring new happiness to you.

But if you keep holding onto the past, you're not allowing better things to manifest.

Thus you are stuck, until you make it your own decision to start letting go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:18am
Oh my goodness!!! I know EXACTLY what you mean. After the break-up, I was so sad, then I got happy... really happy. Then feelings of loneliness started to creep in and they haven't left since. Its this feeling in my heart that won't go away. Like Im always going to be alone. I think about all the weekends i spent with him and the trips we took all over the country. I think about all the times we would just lay in bed and watch movies. Or the times we would just go bowling for hours or watch football all day long ( I LOVE FOOTBALL) I don't miss the relationship. I miss the companionship in general. I associate him with that companionship. SOmetimes when im in a room full of people... i still feel alone. He and I still talk. He was my best friend for a long time and I miss that. Maybe its just making it worse though. He and I talked for three hours last night about nothing. It still gets to me that he is completely over me. Anyway, Ive decided im sick of feeling this way. So im getting involved in more activities. Im in grad school so that probably doesnt help the lonliness. Being stuck in a chemistry lab for hours on end isnt a great way to meet people. Ive started to go to church and Im getting involved in a bible study. Im hanging out a lot more with people in my program and visiting friends non-stop. Sometimes, you have to force the feelings away. I've also am not going to allow myself to talk to my exe for more than 20 minutes in a given day. I don't initiate conversation or call him or anything. I associate him with these feelings so if i want them to stop... then ill do whatever it takes. YOu need to do the same. DOn't sit around and think about her. Go out and do something even if it is by yourself. Im sure there are tons of projects you could work on. Build a cornhole set... Paint some rooms in your house... Get involved in an intramural league. You can meet a ton of people that way. And those friends that have their own schedules... they are your friends so hit them up and see what they are doing. They might need some change too.