Long Distance Breakup
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| Wed, 11-28-2007 - 7:50am |
I already posted this in the LDR forum, but I might get some nice feedback here as well... the story goes like this:
I've been with my college sweetheart for over six years now. Last year we started Grad school in Europe (me Belgium, him Italy), so we've been in a long Distance Relationship for over a year.
I don't know if was the distance, the country, the school or/and the relationship, the thing is I started to freak out and I became a terribly insecure and whiney person. What I'm going to do when I finish? How to deal with the weather? How to survive with all the language barriers? When are we going to be together?
And yes, the man stood by my side and tried to help. I realized I was being terribly selfish and I was trying to change my ways. I had to put myself together.
Anyway, about a month ago I called him to plan my next visit (just 4 days in December) and he told me he needed space, and well, since we already were in a LDR and thing were so complicated I proposed a breakup and he agreed.
The following week (really, with no hope or agenda), I called him to apologize and tell him that I was realizing how selfish and horrible I became. He told me: ok, we are not getting back together but I want to keep in touch and know how r u doing. I was not sure about keeping in touch and I told him.
The next week he sent me this friendly e-mail asking if I was having fun! and saying that he wanted to know everything about it. Since breakups are not fun! (at least 4 me) I told him that I was in a really bad shape, that I was not having fun, but that I was trying and that I understood he was worried, but I needed to cut all contact with him.
Yesterday his best friend sent me an e-mail, and she wanted to know how I was doing... And the thing is I'm ok. I'm still trying to figure out things, but I feel happier and cooler.
I still have to plan a one month field work in Italy (exactly where he lives) and I've been saving money to rent a room. The original plan I was staying with him, and although he kept the housing offer even after the break, I honestly think that is a baaaaad idea...
Anyway, the thing is I love him (a LOT), but I'm just fed up with me being the lady-in-distress and I just want to be the sweet bad-ass girl I used to be. I think there is still a chance for us, but I really need this time for myself and only myself and I really need him to stop trying to protect me in this weird way.
I don't need him, I wan't him, but the truth is I actually don't "need" him anymore. Yes I can be a total mess, I was in shock, then I was a trainwrek, now I'm cool and probably next week I'll be psychotic. But I don't care! I'm cool with it.
I just need him to back off and I don't know how to do it...
Anyway, any advice is really welcomed.
XXX
Emilia
Edited 11/28/2007 2:11 pm ET by emilia79

I like this one :)
Oh thanx!
Nancy has been incredibly positive!! Life is getting tougher by the minute and I just spend my days fixing problems here and there.
Ok, latest news.. I've lost my apartment and I'll be homeless in one month... Homeless in Brussels, the head of the European Union, impossibly crowded and expensive Brussels... yep! there!
Good news is that I don't have classes anymore, bad news is that I have to start writing my thesis, 'cos I have to graduate by July.
Since this city has been rejecting me from minute one, I'm not exaggerating... I'm just taking this as a sign.. and instead of spending just one month in Italy, I'm moving there, for good.
Am I moving because my ex lives there? partly.
Life will be easier for me in Italy? I think so, I already have a room where I can stay (not with the boyfriend), I'm better at communicating in Italian, I have more social networks there and part of my research is there.
Am I running away from Belgium? YES, although I think one should be brave and blablabla, I'm just done with the daily stress of barely surviving here, I'm not having fun, I'm not relaxed and I feel I learned all I'm capable of learning under such stressful circumstances, and I'll be homeless. Life shouldn't be this hard, I need my mental peace back, thanks.
I broke the no contact thing, just to say: Hi! Happy birthday, life is a blast, thanks. I'm not telling him I'm moving yet, I'm not going to ask for his help, and maybe he just will notice that time has passed by and I'm still there. I dunno.
Planning my next move by myself has been incredibly empowering... yes, I feel that somehow I am chasing the man. But I also feel that I'm taking back the power to decide what is best for me.
Anyway, good idea? bad idea? should I stick with my original choice and look for a place in Brussels? Bailing out will chase me for the rest of my life?
You know, ultimately, whatever choice you make is going to be the one that's supposed to happen. No need to explain your decisions to anyone, "Cuz I want to," is plenty. Plus, the more 'splaining you do, the more it sounds like just excuses. If Italy is where your next stop is supposed to be,that's what will work out, and if it's supposed to be Brussels or somewhere else, you jet-setter you, then that's what will work out. Life's funny that way ;)
Best,
So I'm taking my backpacker ass (far,faaaaaar from being a jet setter) to Italy. So what? You're damn right girl!