long distance breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
long distance breakup
3
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:31am
I guess that it's unusual for a man to post in these pages, but why not us too? Just this weekend, we had our breakup. I'm 34 and she's 20. I live 500 miles away from her, and she's in college right now. We were dating for about 2 years, and we were talking increasingly seriously about getting married after she finished school. You guys are probably thinking: geez, hello, of course you broke up.
But for a long while, we beat the odds. We talked on the phone everyday for a long time. We would get together once every few weeks and have tender, passionate weekends. We weren't all about sex, in fact, that only came along much later in the relationship. Everything started changing this year, all the downhill has been in the last 6 weeks or so. She moved into a house with other women students, and I guess she just started to feel confined by our relationship. She kept male friends around her who had openly told her that they wanted to date her. All this stuff made me realize she isn't marriage material, but once you've given your heart to someone, you don't just take it back like a library book or something. So we had to breakup.
She says she knows nothing. She refused at our breakup to have a final kiss or to say anything final at all. Actually, we had a weird breakup. We broke up on the phone on a Tuesday and that Friday I drove in to go to dance with her. We actually had fun and basically looked like a couple, even though we had broken up 3 days earlier.
I realize that there's probably more turbulence to come, but I also am sadly realizing that it's hard to see how she could come out of her experimental time and have either of us still want marriage to each other.
I'm so heartbroken, sad, and physically ill about this. God, I really did want to marry her. She would've been the best wife, I just know it. She would've been someone I'd be so happy to have my family meet. I loved the long odds in our relationship. It gave it a special magic, it made it a truly hard thing to do. I wish the universe would still let it happen, even with these insanely long odds. I can't at this point close that book, and neither can she, I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 3:19pm
I guess the fact that she's 20 and starting to live made it difficult for her to be in a LDR committed to you and lossing propective dates locally. Peer preassure could be an additional factor. However, this doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or want a relationship and marry you, but only means that she chooses to know other people and live her life. You're 34 and have lived more than her, have been to college and work and have had many relationships. Perhaps, you could give her time to see if she feels the same in a few months. This could sound unfair to you as you're ready to marry her, but it'd be fair to her to give her the chance to see if you are what she wants. It's better to know while dating then later while married. There should be a timetable set for this "time" to workout though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 3:46pm

Welcome to the board!! I'm so sorry to hear about your break-up!! And you'd be suprised to see how many guys there are that post here on Ivillage!! I'm sure there are more than you think and there are even a few male CL's!!

I know how hard long distance relationships can be and I think you shold be proud that you two made it last as long as you did, because it can be very trying.....I used to host the Long Distance Relationship board and have been in a few myself.

I'm sorry things haven't worked out this time but if you don't think she's marriage material, then breaking up was the right choice....there is no sense in dragging it out.

I know it will be hard but just try and stay busy and keep yourself occupied...go out with friends, go for a jog, take up a new hobby....anything to keep you busy. And we're always here to talk if you need or want to.

Good luck and keep us posted!!












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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 5:53pm
it's not that she isn't marriage material, it's that she's not marriage material at this point. i thought she was. i reacted to the guys she kept around, and that's how i made the decision, but thinking back, i remember an exchange that i should've made a bigger deal out of. she asked me, before all this trouble started: "How do you know I'm the one?" and i answered "I just know." and she answered back "That scares me. I'm a child of divorce, and I'm scared of committing too soon." that there is probably the root cause of why everything else happened. But how do you say to someone "Oh! Wrong answer! Ok we're through!" that isn't what what people in love say to each other.