Long distance relationship is over =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Long distance relationship is over =(
31
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 2:11pm
My long distance relationship with my boyfriend just ended a few days ago. We met online five years ago and started a great friendship. We just met eachother in person a year ago and we fell in love immediately. However, he just told me that things weren't working. He said that we argued on the phone too much and that he was sick of having a relationship with a telephone. I don't like having a long distance relationship either, but I want to make it work. When we first got together, we had talked about marriage and eventually living together in the same city. I had asked him to come to where I live, but he said that it would be better if I moved to where he was because I liked the city more, which is true, but only after we were settled financially. Plus, if I went up there he wanted us to live in his parents house. He said that he did not want to get an apartment because he does not like to rent. We are not engaged or married and I told him that I would not be comfortable living at his parents house unless we were either of those 2 things. I would have gone up there and gotten my own place, but with the cost of living, and paying the rent alone since he does not like to rent, I would not be able to afford it. If he came down here, we would live in my apartment. I refuse to ask my mom to take us in, especially if we are not married. I just don't feel comfortable living at my parents house with my boyfriend and it surprises me that he does and we are not engaged. I last saw him in December. I flew up to see him, I was there for almost 2 weeks. As soon as I returned, it seemed like he had changed. Usually when either one of us would return from seeing eachother, I would want to schedule a flight for the next time that we would see eachother. But this time, when I would ask him, he would say that he did not know. I would get worried because the later that we wait to see eachother, the more expensive the flights would be. For me, I could not go any longer than 2 months without seeing him (we live 1,200 miles away from eachother). He would tell me that he felt the same, but only if I asked him. It would hurt my feelings because it made me feel that he did not want to see eachother anymore. What confuses me now is that when he was breaking up with me on the phone, he said that he would call me in a couple of days to see how I am doing. I was surprised that he said that, but now it has been 6 days and I have not heard from him. I asked him if we could be friends but he said that because neither of us spoke to our ex's, it would be hard to do that. I told him that if we wanted to be friends with me, it is possible, we just have to make an effort. I want to call him, but I know that I should not call him because he ended the relationship with me. I am so sad and hurt. I have known him for five years and he was always the one that I would turn to when I needed advicce or just someone to talk to and now there is nothing. I did not want our relationship to end, but as I spilled my heart out to him, he was just quiet. Now, I miss his phone calls and hearing his voice. In the back of my mind, I hope that he will call me and tell me that he was wrong and wants me back. But I do not believe that is going to happen. He said that he had talked to other people about our relationship. When I asked him why he did not come to me first, he said that he didn't know. What should I do? I miss him.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 2:29pm

Hard as it is, I think the best thing for you to do is try to start accepting that this just wasn't meant to be. I just don't think he was on the same page with you about making things work.

For the time being, it's also for the best that you don't talk. It's just about impossible to make an immediate transition from lovers to friends. A period of no contact, so you can get over your romantic feelings for him, is necessary. When you're completely over him, you can re-connect as friends...you'll know you're ready when the thought of him having a new GF doesn't upset you.

It's natural that you miss him...he was a constant part of your life for a long time. But you WILL get used to it. It won't be easy or painless, but it WILL happen. Now is the time to turn to other friends and family members for support.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 2:32pm

I know you miss him and it hurts but long distance relationships are really tough. A lot of the dynamics of falling for someone involve in-person encounters and you're just completely lacking in that part of your relationship when all you have are phone conversations. I had a friend that stayed stuck on a guy in another country for three years. All they had were phone conversations and I always suspected she was using that relationship to hide out. It helped her avoid having a real relationship and thereby risking getting hurt. One day a few months ago THAT guy hurt her, dropped her for another girl. Since then she's come back to the real world. Within a couple of weeks she'd met several guys, all wanting to take her out, and now she's dating a WONDERFUL man who treats her like a queen. Once she got out of her fantasy world and into the real one, her eyes were opened and she realized there were possibilities all around...

Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? In a relationship with a man you see every couple of months? You're fighting on the telephone with him, you're making all the effort -- even within the confines of the LDR, it's not working. What makes you think it would be even better in person? I think we women tend to idealize our relationships a lot. Men are more in the present, more realistic about things. So while you were content to not see him all the time, it just wasn't enough for him. He needs someone who is there for him, someone he can build something with and, if you're really honest with yourself, you need the same thing. I say this as someone who spent a year having a crush on a guy who had a girlfriend he was "supposedly" on the outs with. Sometimes we choose these relationships because we're scared of something real. We deliberately choose situations that put distance between ourselves and the pain...but in the end we learn that those relationships can end just as any other can and it still hurts. Maybe not as much, but I personally am looking for something real. Something that I'll be able to look back on at the end of my life and remember. Not a bunch of phone conversations or (in my case) some silly crush on someone who belonged to someone else.

Steph
http://www.myspace.com/stephfaris

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 2:40pm

Thank you for your quick response. It relieves me to hear from another person that it just was not meant to be and for me to move on.

Another dilemma that I am having is that I want to send his things back to him to be fair. He did not ask for them, but I know that I have some pictures of his that are originals, etc. He has a few of my items as well. I am not sure if I should send him his items with a note asking for my stuff back or to just send him his items now and send a note later on asking for my stuff. Any suggestions?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 2:49pm

I would only send his things back if they are irreplaceable and if they were not intended to be gifts to you.

And I would let my things go unless they truly are irreplaceable things that you can't live without (in which case I'm not sure why you'd have left them at his place).

If there are things that you still feel you need to send to him and ask him to send, then I think a note in the package in which you send his stuff, asking him to send specific items to you, is fine.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 2:55pm
I hope that I can meet someone in my zip code that can treat me the way that I want to be treated. It just hurts that I did find the man that I love, but distance kept us apart. I know that if we lived in the same city, that things would have worked out. He always questioned that because he would say that he was not sure how we would be if we lived together. I knew that a long distance relationship would be hard, but I expected him to put in the same amount of effort that I did all of the time. I should not have ignored the signs of our relationship failing. Maybe out long distance relationship would have succeeded if we had something to build on besides the brief visits that we had together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:12pm

I will just send him the pictures. The other items, which were small/replaceable gifts that he gave me I will put those away. That way, if I send him items that he does not want back... I do not want him to send me items that he does not want of ours either. As far as my belongings that were left at his place, I was in a rush to catch my flight and accidentally left those things. But, they are materialistic items and I have done without them for this long.

One more question - he has a cousin that lives here. We have become good friends and I am afraid to call and tell her what happened because I don't want to say too much to her because they are family. We always talk about relationships, but I do not want to say anything bad about him or more than I should say to her. How long should I wait to call her? I usually see her every other week.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:19pm

That sounds like a plan...I think returning gifts is one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone, so I strongly advise against it, and I hope he doesn't do it to you!

As far as his cousin goes, I would maybe wait a week or two until the pain isn't *quite* so fresh, then call her and tell her briefly that the two of you broke up and you hope she'll understand that it's a bit painful for you to be in contact with her at the moment because of her connection to your ex, but you will call her when you're feeling better. Then get back in touch with her when you're ready...when a reminder of him won't throw you for a loop.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:25pm

I don't know...it's very possible that the same problem that took your LDR down (his failure to put in the same effort as you) is the same problem you would have had in person. Believe me...I am very idealistic and I know how fun it is to project forward in a relationship and dream of how things would be "if only." But I've found in life that when that fantasy becomes reality, it's never quite as good as you imagined it. Yes, I fully believe you can find someone in your zip code who will treat you the way you want to be treated. It may not be this month or next, but it will happen if you open your eyes and your heart. Once I got my head out of fantasy-land with this one guy, it was amazing how many other men I saw. One of them I probably passed 100 times and never noticed and the other... He works at a restaurant I go to all the time. I noticed him but once this other guy was gone from my life, I told my friend I was interested in restaurant-guy and she went in there with me and helped me get to know him better. You'd just be surprised how much this other guy has blocked you from going on with your life.

Steph
http://www.myspace.com/stephfaris

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:39pm

You're right. The more that I think about it, I would feel worse than I do now if he sends me anything that was intended as a gift for him from me.

I will wait to contact his cousin until I am stonger.

It is so weird, I have good and bad days. Yesterday, I was fine with sending him a letter asking how he is and wishing him the best and today I cannot even fathom doing something like that.

Thanks again for the great advice. I really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:52pm

You're right. Maybe he was 'holding me back from living life' (those were his exact words). By him breaking up with me and not wanting to work things out, it is a prediction of the future that we could have had together.

I do want to meet other people and go on dates. But as much as I want to get out there again and date, I also dread it, but that is a part of life. I have give myself time to where I am over the pain of this breakup, hating men, and last but not least I have to be happy with myself and my surroundings. I hope that once the dust clears, I am ready to move forward and that I am approachable to potential suitors. Thanks.

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