Long distance relationship is over =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Long distance relationship is over =(
31
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 2:11pm
My long distance relationship with my boyfriend just ended a few days ago. We met online five years ago and started a great friendship. We just met eachother in person a year ago and we fell in love immediately. However, he just told me that things weren't working. He said that we argued on the phone too much and that he was sick of having a relationship with a telephone. I don't like having a long distance relationship either, but I want to make it work. When we first got together, we had talked about marriage and eventually living together in the same city. I had asked him to come to where I live, but he said that it would be better if I moved to where he was because I liked the city more, which is true, but only after we were settled financially. Plus, if I went up there he wanted us to live in his parents house. He said that he did not want to get an apartment because he does not like to rent. We are not engaged or married and I told him that I would not be comfortable living at his parents house unless we were either of those 2 things. I would have gone up there and gotten my own place, but with the cost of living, and paying the rent alone since he does not like to rent, I would not be able to afford it. If he came down here, we would live in my apartment. I refuse to ask my mom to take us in, especially if we are not married. I just don't feel comfortable living at my parents house with my boyfriend and it surprises me that he does and we are not engaged. I last saw him in December. I flew up to see him, I was there for almost 2 weeks. As soon as I returned, it seemed like he had changed. Usually when either one of us would return from seeing eachother, I would want to schedule a flight for the next time that we would see eachother. But this time, when I would ask him, he would say that he did not know. I would get worried because the later that we wait to see eachother, the more expensive the flights would be. For me, I could not go any longer than 2 months without seeing him (we live 1,200 miles away from eachother). He would tell me that he felt the same, but only if I asked him. It would hurt my feelings because it made me feel that he did not want to see eachother anymore. What confuses me now is that when he was breaking up with me on the phone, he said that he would call me in a couple of days to see how I am doing. I was surprised that he said that, but now it has been 6 days and I have not heard from him. I asked him if we could be friends but he said that because neither of us spoke to our ex's, it would be hard to do that. I told him that if we wanted to be friends with me, it is possible, we just have to make an effort. I want to call him, but I know that I should not call him because he ended the relationship with me. I am so sad and hurt. I have known him for five years and he was always the one that I would turn to when I needed advicce or just someone to talk to and now there is nothing. I did not want our relationship to end, but as I spilled my heart out to him, he was just quiet. Now, I miss his phone calls and hearing his voice. In the back of my mind, I hope that he will call me and tell me that he was wrong and wants me back. But I do not believe that is going to happen. He said that he had talked to other people about our relationship. When I asked him why he did not come to me first, he said that he didn't know. What should I do? I miss him.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 3:48pm

Oh, my gosh, ladies! Hold it right there! I will be back after a while. It may even be after I watch my U of Memphis Tigers play in the NCAA tournament tonight, but I have stories!

I already have the cats ~ 6 ~ so I am not sure what stage that puts me in. I know it did run off one guy who was highly allergic to them and wanted me to get rid of them on the third date. Can you imagine? Six cats for one guy? Not a fair trade at all!

You all are helping me keep my sanity now. Thanks for being there! We can help each other.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 5:40pm

Yes, you will know when you really come out of it and are ready to date in a healthy way. It's like suddenly one day you come out of the clouds like an airplane does and you feel content and healthy.

But in the meantime, aghhh! I almost am tempted to raid a divorce recovery class because it seems like you have to grab a decent man so fast before someone else does. But no way would I do that because those guys are so messed up and have so much baggage, that would be insane. Talk about picking through the sales rack!

My few experiences with dating have only served to make me miss my Ex all the more, and wonder just how he is so ready to marry! I know he is not; he is just off in la-la land, but I sure do get jealous sometimes. He is now someone else's problem, but I miss him so much.

I wasn't even looking for anyone and a guy found me on the internet, convinced himself within two weeks he was in love with me, but thankfully he is long distance. I have met him and he is a nice guy, but already he has picked fights with me about three times on the phone. Give me a break! I talk to him and listen to him, but I don't think this is heading anywhere.

When I am not crying, I am in my angry state, but I think that is helping build my self esteem back. I am just worried that when I am completely whole again, there won't be anyone out there for me or I won't be able to find them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 7:36pm
Honey I am so sorry it didn't work out for you.
My fiance and I just broke up this past Sunday and we, too, met online 3 years ago. I am from Massachusetts but moved to Texas to be with him because I loved him so much. I am sticking around until early May because I can't move back home til then. I am staying with him and it's so painful. My heart aches because I love him so much and sometimes I just want to run to him but I can't. I am fine when he's not home but when he gets here all I want to do is cry.
Hang in there. Go out with your friends and try to do things that you like because if you have too much time to focus on things you shouldn't be focusing on you will feel even worse. I keep telling myself that if we really are meant to be, fate will bring us together ( although I don't think it will happen )
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 1:26pm
Thank you for your kind words. It has been a week now and each day does get better. Also, I started reading this book called "It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken" and that has helped me as well. Given, I am barely starting the second chapter, but so far so good. As far as your fiance, it is his loss that he can't realize how dedicated that you are to making your relationship work and you should not have to wait for him to do so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 1:31pm
That's a good book. I have the first one "He's Not That Into You" and it was awesome.
I might get the one that you have since I am broken now. :-( lol
Life goes on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 1:44pm

Yes, you should definitely read it. Another site that you may want to check out that helped me tremendously the morning after he had broken up with me was http://www.ehow.com/how_13305_over-breakup.html

Reading everyone's tips helped me, just like reading the message boards here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 3:34pm
omg girl, i totally feel your pain. the same thing just happened to me! i'm soooo hurt, it's been exactly 3 wks and all i do this think about him and i can't get over him. i wish my phone would ring and i can have one more conversation with him. i miss him so much. i'm miserable and don't know how to get over him and move on. he's the one who ended it, and honestly, it really is his loss and better off for me. but i feel so rejected and still want him in my life :( i don't even know what to do anymore. as much as i want to pick up the phone and call him, i know i shouldn't! i want to talk to him soooo bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 4:18pm
Start working out - Run, walk and have a friend go with you if you can. Try kickboxing, that is a great way to release some stress and anger. And don't call him, call a friend to hang out or have dinner with or go to a party. It is time to re-release yourself into society, just have fun and be careful. It will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 5:06pm
One coming out of a divorce isn't quite so good either.. That was mine. Well, honestly, two divorces and 1 psycho gf (his words which I now question)
Add to this mix two young children and the fact that him, the last ex wife and the two yk's are all living together in the same building.
Great recipe huh?
So, are there actually any decent unscrewed-up guys left? I feel like running back to Europe and hiding out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 5:37pm
Wow! Thank you for the site... I've already bookmarked it. Very helpful.
I must say, If you have ANY photos of him on your cell, Delete or save elsewhere IMMEDIATELY... I have just received a photo of him from myself which really doesn't help my head at all! I can't even think when I did that or why?
Some of those tips on the site were a little, I-don't-think-so, but the rest were very helpful.
This place is helping me immensely. I don't have any friends around here to hang out with. They are either married, live too far away, or have issues of their own which really just makes me feel worse.
All I want to do tonight is go out to a play opening up and then a bar to laugh with people.
If I stay in these four walls for the weekend, I will lose it. But I don't have transport to go anywhere, which is making me feel as if I've been sent to prison. Especially when I think of the fact that HE is out there having fun with HIS friends.
Yes, it's now the Poor-Pitiful-Me-Party, Part 3.