A long, long problem...help please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
A long, long problem...help please!
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 6:50pm
Okay...I am not sure where to begin here...me and my girlfriend were together for about 3 years...I actually broke it off with her, just a few months shy of our 3 year anniversary (we're both college students too). Anyways, the reason why I decided it was time to break up, was because I just wasn't sure if being with her was what I wanted...the last year of our relationship I found myself to be very conflicted...needless to say, things were extremely rocky...I was happy, but at the same time-I always found myself to be questioning. Not only that, but I had a lot of issues going on at the home front and I would say that, that hindered our relationship as well. I've never had to question my love for her, it's always been there...but one thing I used to always say to her was..."I wish I had met you 10 years from now or something...because then things would be perfect, and I wouldn't be so afraid of commiting to this, and you." However, that wasn't the case...I always wanted a life with her...but in my heart I knew I just wasn't ready for it...and at the same time, I couldn't understand why, because she is everything I could've ever dreamed of in a soul mate. So I guess I should get to my point right? After we broke it off, I expressed to her that I wanted some space, but she had an extremely hard time giving it to me. She always told me that she didn't want me to go through anything alone, and she always wanted to be by my side...at first I resisted...but every time I would attempt to move away from her, she would want to be closer to me...which made it extremely hard...I loved her still, and I hated seeing her in so much pain...so finally I gave in and we decided to be best friends...while I figured things out. Anyways, what happened next was that I ended up meeting someone on the internet...we probably started talking in March...but I didn't actually know that something was there until the end of May and into June...she also lives out of state as well. I continued to talk to this other girl, while maintaining my situation with the ex...my ex and I ended up staying extremely close...I even went on vacation with her and her family and a couple of my other friends...and I was very vocal with her on my views of the relationship, and commiting to her. Anyways, in the midst of talking to this other girl,(who knew the whole entire situation with my ex), I was also talking to her about Grad Schools...she filled me in on a few good ones in her state and said she could set me up, and I could visit them...so I thought it was a really good idea...so when I filled my ex in about the whole visit...I told her about Grad Schools but I was way too afraid to tell her about the girl I had been talking to...the situation between us was really sensitive, and I just wasn't ready...she confronted me about it numerous times...and she would do it in uncomfortable ways...one time she was like "Oh you're going to this state to visit your GIRLFRIEND." And I wasn't...I had made no commitment to this other girl, so I denied it the numerous times that she confronted me, because I wanted to be ready to tell her at my own discretion. Anyways, the remainder of the summer we stayed close...but not as close as we normally would...except the last week before I went to visit the grad schools...her and I had become extrememly close...closer than we had been the whole entire summer, as well as the last months of our relationship...it was amazing...and suddenly I was re-evaluating everything...things suddenly felt right with her...and I thought the whole idea of this other girl was absolutely crazy...still though, I wanted to make sure that this was how I felt...so I ended up going, and I talked to my ex every day I was gone...though it was extremely hard, because I was staying with this other girl...anyways what became of the other girl and I? We bonded, we talked a lot...we had a connection, but it wasn't what I felt with my ex...so I had gone there and found my answer...and while I was gone I had decided it was time to come clean with her as well...so when I came back...first of all she picked me up from the airport...and she was very standoffish, I think she had figured things out on her own..anyways the whole ride home the convo was very surface and I felt like the whole last week before I had left, hadn't even happened...well we didn't talk the next day...and then I called her and she confronted me one last time...and I finally admitted the truth...and she completely flipped out...she was so angry and hurt...claimed that I had been lieing about my life for the past 6 months etc...when I admitted to everything...needless to say it's been about a month since things went down...and things have been extremely bad since that night that i've been back...we had a lot of falling outs...finally I decided that it were best for us to have some space, to work on ourselves and to figure out what we truly want...this space has been so hard to deal with, she was my best friend throughout the relationship...we were always close and were very open with eachother (with an exception of what's been going on)...we've been eachothers rock...and it's so hard to live without...she told me she could never hate me, and she wants me in her life...and at the same time she admitted to me that I haven't been myself for awhile and she wants me to get back to being me, that is the person she wants in her life...she still loves me very much...as I love her very much...I told her I wanted to be there for her in her time of pain and she told me that she couldn't let me...and it's so hard to hear that, cuz all I want to do is make things right for her...she said she needs some time to do things by herself (cuz we've always depended on one another) and eventually we are going to talk. When things first went down, she was just so angry with me...and I was so scared that she just would figure out that she didn't want me around anymore...so that stuck with me for awhile...anyways I talked to one of my best friends last week, and she told me she had talked to my ex...she told her that she misses me a lot, thinks about me all the time and loves me very much...she wanted to call me, but wasn't sure if it were somethiing I wanted. That brought me solace because I felt like we were on common ground....anyways, since I knew she wanted to talk to me...instead of calling her...it gave me the incentive to text msg her..and luckily she texted me back...and we ended up talking via text msg for an hour last Wednesday...I kept the conversation very surface cuz I didn't want to make her feel unfomfortable...but at the end...I asked her if we could try email...she said 'yeah maybe' then I texted her back and said "Bad question?" she was like "No not bad, we'll see I want you to do whatever feels right." So I decided to email her on Friday...I kept it surface...but at the end I explained to her my reasoning to text msging her etc...and I explained to her how it's really hard not knowing what I can and can't do...this space has been very conducive...but at the same time, it's been extremely hard...cuz I never in a million years thought I would end up in this place. My friends keep reminding me that this is time to figure out what I truly want, because I wasn't happy prior to all of this...and I need to get back to that place, where I am thinking with my head and not with my heart. I agree with them, but my intuition is telling me that she is the one...and no matter what space or distance...I think that is what I am gonna find at the end...I knew it when everything first went down...but I felt like I wanted to know for sure...she's never had to question her feelings for me...she's always told me that I was what she wanted...but now she is playing it off like she is trying to figure out what she wants...though a part of me is thinking she is telling me this, just because she is putting her guards up...and not giving me the satisfaction of her true feelings...one thing i've noticed is since this whole process has began a month ago...she's had an extremely hard time being open with me...and I don't blame her...but I don't want her to shut herself out...or push me away when the time comes that we are communicating....the thing is I don't want to lose her...I know we can't salvage our old relationship...but I know we both have a lot of potential...we love eachother so much, but there has always been something getting in the way....like I said with this space...we have such an amazing connection...but I just feel so distant to her and it's the worst feeling in the entire world...I know we're gonna talk again...but I feel so lost right now...like what am I suppossed to do? We are at the point where we're not sure if we're gonna get back together...so that makes it even harder...I feel like if I knew...I could work towards something...but I just hurt all the time for hurting her the way that I did...I swear I broke my own heart....someone wanna help make sense out of all this? I have no idea which direction I am suppossed to go. I don't want to lose her...

Thanks-

Snowball