The longes post in history.. got time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
The longes post in history.. got time?
16
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 9:48am

Ok, I am writing this in hopes someone can tell me if I made the right choice. I have mixed views on what I chose to do, through friends, family and co-workers. Granted I don’t tell the world my problems, when it comes to my immediate surroundings, but, I thought I could get a good consensus on the boards here. Maybe through the majority rules property, I can make a good assumption. Lol

Anyways, a little about myself, male, 40yrs old, engaged before but never married, centered life on my career, which did hamper some of my relationships. 9 years military didn’t help much early on in my life, then finding out the outside world doesn’t see military experience, (unless you are law enforcement or security) any experience at all, even though I have a technical background. So, starting over in the workforce I had to “get caught up in my goals” , hence the damper on a personal life.

Until 6 years ago, I met the most wonderful woman, lets caller her “J”.

We met over the internet, and on our blind date , I didn’t expect really much , just to sit down have drinks and nice conversation and just be on about our way, really convinced that she had lied either about her appearance, demeanor, or something. I am sure she was thinking the same. Wow, I was surprised, she was beautiful, smart, we loved the same music, we like to go out. She was also in the midst of a divorce , being separated and living on her own for about 6 – 8 months, I didn’t find that a problem, she seemed stable and over him. I even asked about him and how she felt about him and no tear was shed, she said she was not sorry it happened and just wanted the papers signed.

She told me she was very attracted to me and I had to say, I had fallen for her. We got along great.

A few months later we moved in together, right after 9-11, we both loved each other, we were both worried about the economy and after the attacks, didn’t really want to live apart either. I moved her out of her apartment and into my house, she didn’t have too much to bring over, so she moved in her most valuables, sentimental stuff , knick knacks and family heirlooms. The rest we rented a storage place for stuff I had to move out and the rest of her stuff she wanted to keep for when we got a bigger house. That is how it all began…

Here is where it gets interesting.

After about 2-3 months J starts talking about marriage, and I was not surprised, and well prepared for it. We sat down and talked about marriage , kids and future. I told her I saw a long a fruitful life together and not to worry , when I felt the time was right I would ask her. She convinced me she was very content with that, for I did well mean it, I was very much in love with her and we both were not getting any younger, and we worked together well and she was my queen , who treated me like a king. What more could I ask for.

We get along fine until in my lack of completely washing my past life from my house, she finds things from my past relationships. Pictures, letters, clothing and presents from women that didn’t really mean that much to me, they didn’t effect me like she had. Still my queen she was, I apologized from the bottom of my heart for my lack of a full combing of my house. Ahhh but that didn’t matter, I had pictures in my picture album from my ex fiancée, from 15 years ago, that was not going to work for her. Mind you , this was packed away not out on display either nor was there any nudes.

She told me to get rid of them, and I said, I didn’t expect her to get rid of her pictures of her marriage or past relationships, nor should she expect it from me, and that was a thorn in her side, to this day I think. I am sorry for that. The marriage thing came up again, actually threatening me with it, on how things will all be better with HER once we are married���

Then early 2002 my dad was diagnosed with cancer, it was the most devastating thing in my whole life. My dad, my hero, and my confidant on everything I needed to know about the world, is going to leave me.

J knew this was going to devastate me, she backed off a bit on the marriage, past life and future expectations of us and compassionately stood by me to support me. I was ever so grateful when she told me she would do all she could to help me through this.

Well, I started flying up every weekend to help mom and dad prepare the house the owned for 30 years. New washer, dryer installed, new water heater, roofing fixed, gutters cleaned, my dad wanted it all prepared for mom , when he was gone, so I went up and did the work.

J had a huge problem with this, said it took time away from us, and we had our own problems to contend with. What happened to the stand by me and support me?

I used up a considerable amount of my savings flying up there every month to do this, my brothers were no help, they still were asking my dad for money on his hospital bed.

January 2003, my dad passes away, no pain, no worries, just slept and never woke up. I was crushed, Even at 35, at that moment, I “grew up” so fast it hurt. I didn’t have that wealth of information to confide with, from construction, mechanics, to how to treat women with the utmost respect and gentlemanly like that no one on that earth has ever seen. Even through the worst of times my dad taught me how to deal with someone you love that can be hurtful to you.

3 days after the funeral I get home, unfortunately due to her job, J could not make the funeral, that was a bad time, I needed her so much. After the usual homecoming greeting of kiss, tears, I love you, and I miss you. The next words that come out of her mouth are “ well, now you will have time to spend with me.”

That was the dagger that split my heart, as you can tell, I have never gotten over those words and to this day, I can still hear her say them. For 2 months after that, there was nothing that she wanted to talk about other than marriage, and as god as my witness, it was 24/7. The issue of the past relationships and pictures came up numerous times, throwing them in my face, being very hateful about it. What did I do, I just came back from my dads funeral, and I feel I have no life in me. She went on and on , stating I spent most of my money to go up and help my family when she had to stay here and work. How it was not fair that my family got my help. Sigh

She even resorted to snide remarks, I hid in my computer room when she got mad, just playing games, I tried to deal with her on it, but, after a loss as I had, it was tough, and I was short tempered. Heck, after she started all this hurtful remarks , our sex life began to diminish , she even through that in my face , then right after that, expected me to be turned on and have sex with her, cause if I didn’t , she would leave.

What was I to do, she was my queen, I didn’t want her gone, I wanted her to understand my and our situation, and just ask to be patient. I wanted her love and support and to love and support her. That was not to be.

Then, one day, after another round of her constant remarks, I just snapped and told her she needs to move out.

Here comes the tears. “Why? What did I do? Please don’t do this!!” She had pushed me to the point, where I honestly thought I was going to physically hurt her and for her own safety and my own sanity and clean criminal record, she should move out.

We continued to see each other ,in living separate arrangements, maybe to give me time to mourn my loss, doing this alone sucked, but, she was not there for me, even in my time of tears. Maybe this was to show her I was not going to put up with the remarks and bickering when I was there to love her , and in hopes , she would love me, through thick and thin… etc. God knows I loved every inch of her. God also knows I am not perfect, and its not all her fault we didn’t get along sometimes.

So, about a year goes by and things seem to be ok, we are getting along well, we move back in together, all is well. I am all about second chances and I thought this was going to work. Mind you not all our problems were caused by her, but, I didn’t expect much of her, really all I wanted from her was to be nice, and, well, sometimes she didn’t want to be. Plus I asked for something else , as you will read below.

During this time we had been living apart she started going out with her friends more. Of course her friends don’t like me, cause I am the BAD MAN for what I did. As she goes out with them, she starts drinking more…. And driving……..

So, while we live together, she goes out with her friends, that is cool, everyone needs a girls/boys night out, not a problem. But I tell her if she needs a ride, call me. What does she do, she drives home drunk… and I will not put up with that. I have lost friends to drunk driving, I don’t want to lose the one I love, from either dieing or killing someone else and going to jail or something. Oh wait, did I mention that makes me controlling?

So, now, to her, I am controlling her, cause I don’t want her drinking and driving. She fully thinks that its ok, she used to do it in college, no problem, she drives fine that way.

So, here it is, now I am controlling, my past life effects her, I don’t have sex at the exact moment she wants it, I spent my money helping my mom get ready for losing my dad, her friends don’t like me cause of how she tells them I treat her, and I have already kicked her out once.

So one day, and I remember this well, after about 5 hours of her snide remarks about how our life sucks because we are not married, I could feel that feeling of the brink coming , she comes back with a “you know we aren’t going to work out if we keep going this way?”. My immediate response= “you’re right, pack your stuff and start looking for another place to live.” I went cold. Once again I felt that it was hitting that point of getting out of hand, and I was really questioning her love for me, or just her desire to be married, and just to BE married, and not particularly to me. For the longest time, she said she wanted to be married, yet, she never said she wanted to be married to me.

Ok, now that you have heard only ¾ the story, there is much more… the real horror and heart break comes later after we are living apart again.

My question to you is….

1) Do you think I was in the right to ask her to move out? Whether it be the first time or the second time , please comment.

2) Do you think its right we are not together?

3) WHY CAN’T I GET OVER HER? I love her so much, at least the side that treated me so well…. Yes I cant let go…. we have talked, but both knowing we are broken up, but I feel that twinge of how much I love her and want to hold her again.

Thank you… I am sorry this is so long, but I felt I had to tell the whole story.
BnT

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 1:49pm
Thank you , I will look into those books... and thank you for your opinion...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 4:21pm

I won't say whether you're right or wrong, but I'll perhaps put it in from her perspective? I have to admit, her actions as described, do seem sort of childish, but I too have been there and sometimes we react or say things without thinking or realizing the impact they have.

In terms of helping the family. You're right in that you DO have an obligation to help your mom. I think from her perspective it seems unfair that your brothers contribute nothing and you have to do everything. Furthermore, did you ask if perhaps she'd go up with you? I know my ex and I often fought over the fact that his mother and his friends never treated me like his partner. Often more like an accessory that they had to 'put up' with because he was dating me. And everytime he went home or went out to one of their parties, in my mind, it he was advocating their behaviour towards me. Maybe that's a complete tangent, but perhaps she feels as if you're leaving her out of an important part of your life? Her words were way out of line, but I wonder if she realizes that.

As for the drunk driving thing...I have nothing to say. If she's dead set on seeing you as controlling her, there's nothing you can do other than change your approach. Perhaps with "I care deeply about you and it worries me when you're not careful with your life.."

As for the marriage issue. Perhaps I haven't felt that biological tick yet, but I personally think Ann Landers said it best "Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him. Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. He is yours. Plan your future with confidence."

That's not to say that YOU are to blame in the break up or not, only a different perspective. And when I read this post...sometimes I remember how sick I felt when I realized I was willing to try everything...only to have my ex thwart me at every turn. A great relationship going down the drain because one person couldn't be mature enough to pull themselves out of the victim mentality.

Good luck to you.

Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 6:07pm

Thank you for answering...

Yes, I did ask her to go and she did a couple of times, but her job required her to be at home most of the time when I would go up for 3-4 days and then fly back. Believe me , I tried to take her as much as possible, my dad and mom loved her, especially my dad, he thought she was an angel.

As for the drinking and driving situation, I tried to put it as many different ways as possible, yet, it still didnt sink in, I didnt want to lose her in any way....

I think you hit the nail right on the head.... its just hurts so much she wouldnt just sit down, look at what was going on, realize I ment only the best for both of us... I love her very much, but, alas, she is bitter, I am the bad man, and I am afraid , its beyond saving, no matter what I do. Now I think I have to resort to the NC list and follow it. I get the urge to call her everyday cause that is what I did when I was working an early job, call her to wake her up and say good morning and I loved her.... sigh

thank you again for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 1:23pm

She sounds selfish, manipulative and controlling. You did absolutely right by getting rid of her. I dated someone like this; they care for nothing but themselves and their wants. Be glad she is out of your life. Imagine bringing a child into it who would have been used as a pawn eventually....

You deserve better than this. Trust me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 1:27pm
Oh, and demanding that you throw away photo's of old girlfriends? Big red flag. That is your life, your history. It has nothing to do with her. As long as it wasn't in her face she has no right to tell you what to do with your memories and personal belongings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 10:17pm

thank you, I have been told that before , from friends, family, even a pastor.... but, i didnt want to believe it... she was my everything.... wish love didnt make you blind...

thank you

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