lookin for someone who's been there

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
lookin for someone who's been there
6
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:00pm
I just got out of a relationship with a man who was younger than me by 11 years....I am 36 and he is 25. I was very leary of getting involved because of his age but once I started talking to him the age thing didn't matter so much anymore. About 4 months into the relationship he decided to clear the air on somethings he had been keeping from me...namely the fact that he has some recreational drug habits. I have a 14 year old son and I tried to explain to my bf that with the age my son was I could not allow him to be around my child using or even talking about using drugs because he is at such an influential age. Bf assured me after about a week of arguements about it that he would quit but he started spending alot of time with an old friend he had recently made contact with who also happened to be one of his old "party" friends. It eventually got to the point to where everytime I knew he was with this person it would start a fight. He blamed it on my wanting him to be with me all the time and being jealous of his friends. I tried to get him to realize that it wasn't him being with his friends that I objected to but his choice of friends and what he did when he was with them. Even more than that the fact that I knew he was lying to me constantly to try to avoid fights. The whole time that this was taking place he was begging me to let him move in with me. Finally I decided to call his bluff one night and tell him he could and the next morning instead of my usual "good morning honey hope you have a good day" text message from him I got one that said "i can't do this anymore, I am confused and I don't want to talk about it". That was over a month ago. I haven't talked to him at all since and don't want to. I know I deserve better than a text message break-up after 5 months. I also realize it was ONLY 5 months and I am not heart broken and devastated over this. I did have feelings for him but we hadn't been together very long. I guess the main thing I struggle with is questioning myself over the way I handled it. I should have listened to my head in the beginning because alot of the problem can be contributed to immaturity on his part. But there are times when I think maybe I was overreacting to his use of drug's. I don't think I am because it wasn't just a once in a while habit, it was pretty much an everyday thing, but maybe that is just me not wanting to admit it could be partially my fault.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:48pm

Welcome to the board dixiegirl71,


::But there are times when I think maybe I was overreacting to his use of drug's. I don't think I am because it wasn't just a once in a while habit, it was pretty much an everyday thing, but maybe that is just me not wanting to admit it could be partially my fault.


I want you to put those thoughts out of your head. You are NOT, I repeat NOT overracting to his drug use.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:59am

Whether you think you overreacted or not is kind of beside the point, what's done is done and you acted in the way that was most natural to you at the time. You have a son to think of and that's just what happened.

What I'd like to get across to you hopefully, so that something along these lines doesn't happen again, is the understanding that no matter how many ways you slice it, no matter how many different arguments, discussions, crying fits, ultimatums, whatever, you cannot make someone change who does not want to change. And it really isn't your right or anyone else's right to try and change someone from what they are, you either accept them as is, or you don't.

However, and this is crucial to understand, you can *influence* change. But first you have to change yourself.

So from now on, anytime you come across a character trait, a behavior, etc, that just doesn't do it for you, you tell them this: "I understand that this is something you do/believe in/or act, however, I have to tell you I don't agree with it. You have every right to lead your life however you want, but understand that I also have a right to not have that in my life." And then step back and let the person make a choice. You can use this for almost anything. This also entails you staying strong and not sacrificing your personal values. You'd be surprised at what a person will do when they're given the space and freedom to do it, and how much this all accomplishes without drama or argument. Bonus: you establish yourself as a person who won't take crap, but who does it without creating unnecessary (and all too common it's pitiful) drama.

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 9:48am
I know what you are saying. Believe me I learned a long time ago you can't change a person. That really wasn't what I was trying to do with him. I kind of left somethings out of the story to keep it from being too long. The biggest that applies to what you are saying is that I knew he had these habits in the past but he told me he stopped using when his son was born 3 years ago because he realized he needed to grow up and be responsible. I told him straight up at that time if he chose to do something like that it was his choice but he could not be with me and use. That was within the first week after we met. He was using the whole time we were together and always telling me how his friends can't believe how he has stopped partying when he talks to them. So I kinda felt like when he came clean that he thought I would just say well okay you go ahead and my feelings about it don't matter and I just couldn't do that. Like I would be too attached to him to let him go or something. I know I should have just gotten out as soon as he confessed, but I did have feelings for him and like I said he promised he would stop and against my better judgement I gave him a second chance which is something I normally do not do. Usually you get once chance to be honest with me and you break that you are out, no exceptions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:29am
Thanks for the support. I don't really think I did either. I was really honest with him from the begining about the fact the my son comes first regardless. Bf felt like that just because he wasn't doing it in front of him it wasn't a big deal. My feelings were that as long as we were together he was a major influence on my son whether he liked it or not. Plus at 14 he is not a baby anymore and would have eventually figured out something was going on and how could I as a mother tell him something is bad when he knows that I am with someone who does it. He did in fact suspect the drug use, after the BF and I broke up I sat down and talked to my son about it and he said he thought something like that was going on because they have talked to them at school about drug use and signs and he noticed how the ex's eyes were always really red and bloodshot. To be honest it was his dishonesty about the whole thing that bothered me as much as the drug use.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:15pm

You did the right thing, for sure!

That's the last thing you need is someone using drugs around your child.

Pat yourself on the back and don't feel bad about what you did, at all!

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:32pm
The drug issue would be a deal breaker for me. You deserve better than that and so does your child! Save yourself for someone more worthy.