lookin for someone who's been there
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lookin for someone who's been there
| Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:00pm |
I just got out of a relationship with a man who was younger than me by 11 years....I am 36 and he is 25. I was very leary of getting involved because of his age but once I started talking to him the age thing didn't matter so much anymore. About 4 months into the relationship he decided to clear the air on somethings he had been keeping from me...namely the fact that he has some recreational drug habits. I have a 14 year old son and I tried to explain to my bf that with the age my son was I could not allow him to be around my child using or even talking about using drugs because he is at such an influential age. Bf assured me after about a week of arguements about it that he would quit but he started spending alot of time with an old friend he had recently made contact with who also happened to be one of his old "party" friends. It eventually got to the point to where everytime I knew he was with this person it would start a fight. He blamed it on my wanting him to be with me all the time and being jealous of his friends. I tried to get him to realize that it wasn't him being with his friends that I objected to but his choice of friends and what he did when he was with them. Even more than that the fact that I knew he was lying to me constantly to try to avoid fights. The whole time that this was taking place he was begging me to let him move in with me. Finally I decided to call his bluff one night and tell him he could and the next morning instead of my usual "good morning honey hope you have a good day" text message from him I got one that said "i can't do this anymore, I am confused and I don't want to talk about it". That was over a month ago. I haven't talked to him at all since and don't want to. I know I deserve better than a text message break-up after 5 months. I also realize it was ONLY 5 months and I am not heart broken and devastated over this. I did have feelings for him but we hadn't been together very long. I guess the main thing I struggle with is questioning myself over the way I handled it. I should have listened to my head in the beginning because alot of the problem can be contributed to immaturity on his part. But there are times when I think maybe I was overreacting to his use of drug's. I don't think I am because it wasn't just a once in a while habit, it was pretty much an everyday thing, but maybe that is just me not wanting to admit it could be partially my fault.

Welcome to the board dixiegirl71,
::But there are times when I think maybe I was overreacting to his use of drug's. I don't think I am because it wasn't just a once in a while habit, it was pretty much an everyday thing, but maybe that is just me not wanting to admit it could be partially my fault.
I want you to put those thoughts out of your head. You are NOT, I repeat NOT overracting to his drug use.
Whether you think you overreacted or not is kind of beside the point, what's done is done and you acted in the way that was most natural to you at the time. You have a son to think of and that's just what happened.
What I'd like to get across to you hopefully, so that something along these lines doesn't happen again, is the understanding that no matter how many ways you slice it, no matter how many different arguments, discussions, crying fits, ultimatums, whatever, you cannot make someone change who does not want to change. And it really isn't your right or anyone else's right to try and change someone from what they are, you either accept them as is, or you don't.
However, and this is crucial to understand, you can *influence* change. But first you have to change yourself.
So from now on, anytime you come across a character trait, a behavior, etc, that just doesn't do it for you, you tell them this: "I understand that this is something you do/believe in/or act, however, I have to tell you I don't agree with it. You have every right to lead your life however you want, but understand that I also have a right to not have that in my life." And then step back and let the person make a choice. You can use this for almost anything. This also entails you staying strong and not sacrificing your personal values. You'd be surprised at what a person will do when they're given the space and freedom to do it, and how much this all accomplishes without drama or argument. Bonus: you establish yourself as a person who won't take crap, but who does it without creating unnecessary (and all too common it's pitiful) drama.
Best,
You did the right thing, for sure!
That's the last thing you need is someone using drugs around your child.
Pat yourself on the back and don't feel bad about what you did, at all!
Rob