looking for input

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
looking for input
4
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 9:41am
Hi there,
I need some outside opinions and advice. We have been married for 5 years now and I am afraid of making a decision that will leave me with regret. This is both of ours 2nd marriage and when I think back on why my first marriage (of 3years) failed I know now, what I could of done differently but I was young and immature then. (I am 40 now)
My husband now is a great person, he works hard, he loves me and would do anything to keep us together. The problem is he does too much for me, he agrees with everything I say, he doesnt have and doesnt want his own hobbies he'd rather do whatever I do. If I go outside, he follows, if I go do laundry, he follows, if I go to the store he wants to go, etc. I have told him I need more space than that and he tries to allow me it but he cant do it for long without feeling hurt. He has no motivation at home, we have a "to-do" list but unless I bring it up, he'd rather ignore it. I am into fitness and he is into couch potato. I work out at home and when I do, he watches tv. I crave intellectual conversation that he cannot provide, all he can talk is sports. We dont have much of a sex life because thru all of this I dont find him as attractive as I used to. I have told him this and I have told him I am not "in love" with him but I do love him. With all of this said he still swears by his love and that he will never leave me, that leaving will have to be my choice. I know what you are thinking is why didnt I see any of this before but we were different, as most people are in the beginning. Things have changed, as they do. My biggest question is, is this typical of a relationship that just needs work or is it time to end it? I dont want to make a mistake, I cant handle more regret but I want to be happy too. What gets me is he is not happy with parts of the relationship but he is not ready to end it, so what does that say about me? I mean, he doesnt go to bars, he doesnt cheat on me, he allows me to do what I want, so why cant I be happy? By the way we have no kids involved, thankfully. Any suggestions?

Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:29pm

bostongirl06..

Question from Pianoguy:

"Would you and your husband be willing to get some professional help (aka counselling) before you toss in the towel?"

If I was in your situation (which thankfully, I'M NOT)...I'd want to 'exercise every option' before just ENDING EVERYTHING?

It sounds like the man you've been married to REALLY LIKES TO BEING IN YOUR COMPANY? It doesn't matter whether the activity is food shopping or just 'hanging out at home'...HIS comfort zone is YOU!

On the flip side, you seem to have the desire for a little space...or perhaps a partner who can match YOUR NEEDS (like intellectual conversation)...BETTER than your husband is capable of doing?

I could be totally off-base here, but it sounds like you're trying to find a few reasons to 'dump your husband?' The reason I say this is because I'm sure there are at least one or two ivillage ladies who would LOVE to have a man who constantly agrees with...and wants to be around them ALL THE TIME?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:45pm
You are exactly right, I know there are plenty of women who would love to have a man like that, and that is why Im looking for input like yours to maybe help remind me of what I really do have. Like I had said previously, he has so many good qualities, including willing to do anything to make this work that I dont want to give this up, thats why Im still here. You are also right about the fact that he just likes my company, he says that exact thing to me. Sometimes I just need a little space without feeling guilty about it. I work from home, and dont have much of a social life so Im thinking that has something to do with it because I dont interact with many people other than him and I dont get my daily dose of reminders of what I have. Believe me though, when I hear of the cheating and the BS that could take place, it makes me think harder. Thanks for your input.

Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:45pm

I agree with Piano Guy. I would love for my ex to have been into being with me. That is truly a partnership. I think, however, there is usually one person who is more independent in the relationship.

I would not dump him. You may just be having a 5 year itch. Why don't you do the therapy, and start planning a fun vacation together. Trying new things together spikes endorphins, which in turn makes things feel exciting, and it will be an out of the routine thing.

I would be careful you don't end something you regret ending. Obviously you would not have been with him 5 years if there wasn't common ground, right?

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:33pm

This is really interresting that point about working from home. I do too and in my relationship with my ex I often felt like he needed my company more than I needed his. Maybe it was actually me that wasnt having my social needs met and thats kinda sad if that comes down on him in some way. Anyway, I would definitely try counseling before giving up. Just make sure you find the right counselor. And then I also agree with galblondie - find new things to do with him. Thats most likely to spark a conversation. Good luck.


One Little Ladybug