Looking inward, questions....
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 11:18am |
Okay. So this weekend was a fairly good one, but since my great epiphany of last week, I have looked inward a lot, trying to focus on myself and not think too much about the ex. 4.5 years together and when he broke up with me he told I had done nothing for him to want to break up with me, but that this was something he needed to do, he loved me, but he didnt' want to be with me right now.
Okay. So looking inward, I started seeing some things that I definitely did wrong, I pressured, only because I was pressured and I wouldn't listen to him and his fears, I only saw him saying he wasn't sure he ever wanted to get married, and immediately I though okay he doesn't really love me or else he would want to marry me, right? WRONG! I know he loved me, I know he probably still loves me. He was just scared, he saw his parents go through a rough marriage and an even rouger divorce and he was scared. I didn't want to see this before, I wanted to believe I was perfect, well I'm not, no one is. I don't think anything I did necessarily caused him to break up with me, it was just something he had to do.
I have apologized to him already for the way I treated him sometimes, and he told me that I did nothing that I should have to apologize for. I'm still feeling great, don't get me wrong, focusing on myself and taking this time to really see how I acted and how I can change for my next relationship or for my ex (if we were to get back together) again.
I actually saw the ex Saturday, just driving down the road though, I didn't actually talk to him. I don't even know if he saw me or not. I hope he did, and I hope he was wondering what I was doing out on a Saturday night (I'm normally a homebody). I know vindictive talking, but hey he can wonder, right?
Anyway so back to seeing him. It was kinda hard, but it was actually okay. I didn't cry, I actually laughed because it brought me back to all of the time it had been he and I in his truck driving around together. Good memories! At least he was alone and not with some girl, then I would've been upset.
I guess the real reason I wrote this post was because looking inward, I realized that eventually I will want to see him and talk about all of this. When we broke up I wanted to get married, and he wasn't ready, well now I've realized that I don't need to get married, I only thought I did because of all the pressure from society, my family, and friends. Now I know I would be happy just being with him. I want to tell him that, but I'm not sure if its a good idea, I don't want to tell him right now, but one day in a few months maybe, any thoughts?
~Amber~
P.S. He also still has some of my things (lingerie), that I couldn't take with me because I'm 21, still live with my parents (working on remedying this right now), and my parents are really religious. I would like to get my things from him when I do move out, which won't be for a few months, but I don't want it to look like I'm trying to get back with him, I just want my stuff eventually.
Edited 7/10/2006 11:41 am ET by manno001

Amber...
Very simple solution (from Pianoguy) as to how to get your stuff back.
You write the man a short note indicating that you'd like him to either MAIL THE ITEMS or MEET YOU AT A PUBLIC PLACE TO RETURN THEM IN PERSON! Include a list of what you'd like him to return.
"Thank you" is the only phrase you have to utter once your possessions are back in your hands!
Pianoguy
I too was in a long relationship (5 yrs total, 3 yrs living together) so I know how you feel. I want to point out one thing that you said: "When we broke up I wanted to get married, and he wasn't ready, well now I've realized that I don't need to get married, I only thought I did because of all the pressure from society, my family, and friends. Now I know I would be happy just being with him". Would you really just be happy "being with him"? I just want to make sure you are not changing how you feel because of the way he feels. I said the same thing when I went through this with my ex. I wanted to get married and he wasn't ready, so I told everyone that I wasn't ready either, what was the rush, what does marriage really mean anyway, etc.. I didn't realize it at the time, but now that I can look back and be honest about how I was really feeling, I really DID want to get married. I was trying to convince myself that I didn't so that I would match what he was feeling and then everything would be *fine*. But as time went on, I realized that it DID matter to me and that if he didn't know after 5 years whether he wanted to spend his life with me, well then that was my answer right there. Sure, I could have spent the next few years with him to see if he *decided* I was the one, but that was too risky for me. I'm not saying this is what is going on with you, but don't be afraid to be honest about how you really feel. If you really feel that after 4.5 years you want to be on the path to marriage with him, there is nothing wrong with that. Don't convince yourself you feel otherwise so that you can be with him.
I understand what you are saying completely and I'm going to look into it. The funny thing is, you might be right. I do want to get married one day, but I know now that right now is not the time and wasn't the time. I want to finish school first. He always seemed to think that I was saying right now though. But I only wanted to work towards marriage I didn't need it right now. After 4.5 years I deserve someone who at least knows they wanted to marry me eventually, but he was scared to say that because as he put it "I don't want to promise that, and then have it not happen." He is/was a great guy and he hated making promises that he wasn't sure he could keep. Whoever he does end up with is one lucky woman! I wish him the best and I hope he's happy no matter what. Whether that entails me in his life or not.
I guess he didn't really see what I was saying either. I don't know if I will ever get the nerve up to ask him to sit down and talk to me about all of this because I know that what he needs right now is space and time to figure out what he wants. The funny thing is if and when he does decide that he wants to be with me it might be too late and that scares me.
The future has endless possibilities, and we'll see what happens.
~Amber~
I completely agree with abcd2girl and will say that you should make sure what you say you want about marriage
Thanks for your advice, you always say just the right things.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Having thought about this some more since abcd2girl's answer I know now that I do want to get married one day, though I want to wait until at least I'm done with school. Marriage is important to me, but not as important as it once was. My ex said he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married, period. He said it wasn't me, it was him and his thinking about the whole thing. I don't know exactly what made him so scared of it, but I know his parent's divorce had a big part of it.
The weird thing is that he used to be the one that wanted to get married, but we were right out of highschool and I thought it was too soon and I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married, and now the tides have turned. Ironic isn't it? He is the guy who taught me that it is okay to fall in love, to want to get married. I didn't believe in love before him, I didn't ever want to get married, and I didn't want kids. Now I want it all, all because I fell in love with him. Now that's a lesson I realize I learned from being with him, and I'm extremely grateful.
Your right about him being scared more. I'm sure he is scared and I feel sorry for him on that end. He loves me, but yet he doesn't want to be with me, there's got to be some really depressing feelings going on there. I told him that he might regret breaking up with me some day, and he told me that he probably would, but he might regret it more if he doesn't do this and just jumps into marriage without having some time to himself to be free (I guess). I guess I'm scared about it because I don't want to have to break his heart like he did mine. I don't know when the time will come when I will say enough, I'm never going back, but that time is definitely not right now. I still believe in our relationship.
Thanks again for your advice and wisdom on my situation.
~Amber~
Edited 7/10/2006 5:10 pm ET by manno001
Hey Amber -
You've got some really great advice from the other posters here. I'm debating mentally if I should say it all again (in my own words) or not, but if you've ever read any of my posts, you probably already know I'll ramble on with my thoughts on your situation. Sorry or your welcome - depending on how you look at it.. ha ha
Yours is a really tough situation because you're still just starting out in life and you've probably defined who you are (and who you hope to be) by this relationship. It's extra terrifying when someone is all you've ever known to realize that it might not last a lifetime.
(in the following story, I am your ex and my ex is you - if that makes sense)
I was engaged once (only once - so far!) at 17 to my childhood sweetheart. He was so wonderful to me - really loved me etc. My family even had an 8X10 framed picture of him in the family room! He was everything that I ever wanted and I loved him, but the idea of settling down scared me - don't know why - so we split. It was brutal, but I told him that i needed to understand who I was before I could commit to building a life with him. We kept in touch but still tried to move on - see what life was like without each other (we had been together for 3 years) and then a funny thing happened. He got over me. He met a girl - a friend of mine actually - and fell head over heels in love with her and they got married a few years later. Still are married and have a beautiful family and I'm so happy for him, because if we had stayed together, I don't know if I would have been able to make him that happy - I would have always wondered...
Now please please please understand that I am not justifying your ex's decision to split. It's just as likely that he'll see what life is like without you and decide he'd rather be with you than not. I'm just saying that having time apart is difficult and painful, but sometimes necessary, and not just for him - for you too.
Here's another story - (i'm big on them tonight). One of my best friends in the world always wanted to get married - to be married - to have the little house with the white picket fence. But she would choose these guys who were so not interested in all that and it frustrated the living h*ll out of her. I remember listening to her one night: she was saying that she'd decided that marriage wasn't all that important to her anymore and she was willing to give it up to stay with her beau and I remember sitting straight up and telling her that's crap (great friend am I huh?). I knew what was important to her - what kind of a life she craved and was not about to let her put all that aside for some guy who - quite frankly - was making her doubt all of it. She didn't listen to me (her right) and stayed for a few more months until he dumped her for another girl and she was devestated. But a couple of years later, she met the guy she eventually married and they have the most idyllic married life I've ever seen. I'm so glad that she didn't give up on her dreams and found someone who would move mountains to make her happy.
I don't know if these stories are coming across in the way I want them to. It's just my weird way of agreeing with the other posters and offering my support and letting you know that it's okay to want to be married. If it's important to you then it's important. 'nuff said. Some people say it's just a piece of paper, but it's not - it's standing up in front of your family and friends and letting them all know you commit yourself to this person forever. That's not something to be taken lightly by any means, but it's not something to feel badly about wanting either.
Anyways, i'll stop talking (typing) now and just let us know how it goes. The people on this board are great and generally more concise than I am (sorry again), so keep posting - I'll be thinking of you and looking for your updates.
L
Edited 7/11/2006 4:10 am ET by oryx72
I completely understand your stories and what you are saying. Right now I'm focusing on whether or not I feel that way because I really feel that way or because I just want so badly to be back with my ex. I'm more leaning towards the latter. I do want to get married one day, but when I was with my ex I was so focused on it being right now (stupid move), which isn't really how I feel, I was pressured by society (because we were together for so long), my family, and my friends, and I in turn pressured him too much.
I know that right now this break-up was the best thing for us, as hard as it is for me, it is the best thing. I have the chance now to really figure out if he is the guy I want to be with or not, and he can figure out if I'm really what he wants in his life. After almost three months I know I love him and I want to be with him, but it's not one-sided he has to want me too. This break-up has been necessary, and I know that life will work it's self out one way or another. If my ex and I are supposed to be together we will be. For now, I'm moving on with my life. That doesn't mean I don't still love him or that if he wanted I wouldn't try again, it just means I'm not sitting around depressed, and moping over him.
If he never wants me again, then it will be okay, I will find someone else who will love me and who I will love and I will have a good life. Nothing is going to stop me on that.
I do realize that a lot of highschool relationships don't work, but some do. You never know. The future is a mystery to us all.
Thanks once again.
~Amber~