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| Wed, 10-31-2007 - 4:16pm |
Hi, folks.
I'm a little down today. I don't get down much anymore, maybe crying once a week. Today is a down day. This morning I found myself thinking about my ex and his family, and how much I miss them. My sadness has carried through the day.
The sadness today is accompanied by these old programs, as I call them:
"What did I do wrong?"
"There's something wrong with him."
"Why did he leave me?"
"I need to be with someone to take away this pain."
All of that is rubbish, of course.
Sometimes I just feel grief and sadness. Sometimes, though, it is accompanied by what I think of as "insane thinking" like the above. Usually I think positive, optimistic things. It is days like these that I almost feel like my hormones or some chemical is whacked and has taken over my brain.
I feel that part of my brain grasping to indulge in company that will distract me, but the wise part of me says that is just putting off the inevitable. Fear and sadness are inevitable. I have a busy night planned, but I think the easeful thing would be for me to set aside a little time tonight to cry and grieve and feel my feelings (without indulging the crazy thinking). The frightened part of me wants to fill up my night even more and try to avoid what I am going through.
I could use some support right now.

BIG HUGZ!
sorry you're feeling bad.
hmmm. my program goes something like...
"what's wrong with ME?"
"why did i date him, knowing he wasn't trustable?"
"why did i chase him, wish i could do that over again."
"v. embarrassed he saw that side of me. wish he hadn't."
"how do i avoid it happening again?"
i've found out for me, there's an ideal blend of forgetting about it & dealing with it. usually i need to do something to keep my mind off him and then go home & cry afterward. then i'm left with a nice memory of fun with friends, but still have time to process the grief out.
either one without the other tends to keep me stuck in the grief mode for way too long...
i kinda pretend like i'm sick sometimes when i'm breaking up. what i mean by that is, for a while when i'm getting sick i fight it really hard to try to stay well. then, once it's inevitable, and i'm really fersure sick, i just give in and baby myself all the way. i tell myself i really deserve it now, look how sick i am! then i get better ok. i found if i never stopped fighting being sick, i didn't get over it as fast. giving in to it helped me get well faster.
it's a cliche, but time does heal hurt feelings. sometimes all you can do is just wait things out until the next thing happens to put some mileage between him and you.
hope you feel better soon!
I know how you feel. Some days are semi-normal and happy and others it feels like the breakup is starting all over again. But perhaps you've seen enough of these come and go that you realize it's a phase and it's not a permanent feeling. I looked over my history the other day and the average time for me to be more or less back to normal after a breakup is two to three months. I'm at just about two months now, and somehow this is tremendously comforting to me. Do you have a breakup-grieving pattern? If so it might be good to reflect on it. Also, I've had that thought too that when I get home I'm going to have a good cry but usually when the time comes I no longer feel like it. Love when that happens :) Take care.
i've been replaying those "old programs," too... i'd like to think that neither of us is insane ;) it's just part of the process of getting over and letting go of something that was such a big part of our lives.
i totally feel your pain. hang in there.
Thank you for your note. I had a rough evening, and reading this helped.
I am fortunate to have some extremely patient, loving friends. One of them spent some time with me last night. The rest of the night, I just cried.
I finally went to sleep with this thought: Acceptance is a journey, not a destination.
Thank you for the note, devuchka. There is a lot of wisdom in what you wrote. I cried for almost two hours last night, and if I hadn't had a trusted, supportive friend coming over, I might have cried all evening. If I had filled up my whole evening, I woulld be bursting with pain this A.M. The balance of the two is such a help.
Also, resisting the pain and loss, the "sickness", as you said, is painful. As frightening as it is, giving in and taking care moves me forward much more quickly.
Thank you for these reminders, devuchka, and hugs back to you.
Thanks for the note, pixchan.
I do have a relationship pattern, but it is a scary one that drags out a ton and involves lots of desperation and contact. So, when I think of where I am in this experience (a month and a half of NC starting immediately after the break-up, mostly feeling good and optimistic most days), I can really pat myself on the back! I'm clearly on the right track, even if I'm a bit low now.
Even those past experiences that dragged out eventually ended. It helps to remind myself that these sad, angry, confused feelings are not permanant. They are what I am experiencing now, and it's important to let myself feel them, but they will pass.
Thank you again for the support.
"i'd like to think that neither of us is insane ;)"
I'm usually steady and accepting of the process and see these thoughts as natural and normal. It's only when I'm whacked out of my mind that I think I'm insane. :p
(Couldn't resist).
Thanks for the humorous reality check. I'm still sad this morning, but I definately am more accepting of my feelings, and that is making them way easier to cope with.