losing my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
losing my best friend
2
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:01pm

I met this guy my 2nd week of college. The moment we met, we became ridiculously close. I didn't really think of him as boyfriend material (one, because he had a girlfriend, two because it was my freshman year of college, and three because I just was not into him in that way). We were, however, attached at the hip. Then comes our sophmore year. He broke up with his girlfriend, and one night, he makes his advance on me. I thought to myself, hey, why not give it a shot. Well, we have incredible sex. And after that, I was totally into him, although he said he wasn't ready for anything serious (at least that's what he said, but his actions were quite different). We practically lived together. We had sex multiple times, every day. But when it got too serious for him after a few months, he would freak out, tell me he no longer wants to hook up, but we still remain attached at the hip. Then a couple of weeks later, we start again. This goes on until I graduated.

As soon as I graduated, however, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We were great together. Our parents love eachother too (so much so that when I went to his sister's bridal shower without him for the weekend, his mom and sister told me I should come without him more often!) We had our issues, considering our rocky past, but we were willing to work on them (we even started couples therapy). We moved in together,adopted cats and eventually we planned on moving from DC to NY (where I am from and my family is from). When it was close to the move, he asked if we could live in seperate places, because he felt that we rushed in to moving together. After a couple of weeks- I warmed up to the idea, as new york would just be a nice fresh start, and we were young, so we could always move back in again. Every day he would tell me how much he loved me, how happy he was with me and how excited he was to start a new life TOGETHER.

We move into my sister's basement so we can save some money and really take the time to look at places to live. We began getting ready for his siters wedding (which I've been helping with for the past two years) and we buy her china together, he buys me a $400 dress for the wedding. I ended up getting a great job, which took us both on a trip my first week, all expenses paid, really romantic. He did not have a job, and was going on pointless interviews. When we got back from the trip, we got into a stupid fight, which ended rather quickly, and after he told me it was because of not having a job, living in my sisters basement etc, not about our relationship. The next day, he moves all of his stuff out of our storage space using my car while i was at work, picks me up from the train station and tells me right there that he wants to break up with me- not two weeks after moving up. He also tells me he never wants to see me again. But he still loves me- so much so that we end up having our usual amazing sex that night, but the next morning his dad came and picked him up. I'm baffled and miserable and I feel really stranded- we had so many plans and moving to new york was a more important thing for him.

It's been two months since he broke up with me. Last month he came over and told me how much he missed me, wanted me and we end up having sex and laughing and having a good time talking after.

Three days later he emails to say that he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. When I asked for my stuff back that he has (important stuff, like tax info and car insurance, etc) he continues to be nasty, telling me i'm a psycho for keeping in touch with his mom and aunt (both I called to say goodbye, both told me they wanted to keep in touch with me).

I miss him so much too- we slept in the same bed for 5 years! WHat is his deal? I do want him back, issues and all because he is my best friend, and everyone goes through rough patches.... I feel really lonely and lost wihtout him, especially considering we just moved up. And after 5 years of being attache dat the hip and really enjoying eachothers company, how could he say he hates me and never wants to see me ever again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 1:11pm
Damn woman, you definately have your hands full. Well, I am also on a break with my bf - we've been best friends for 6 years and dated for a little over two ( I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT BEING ATTACHED TO THE HIP) First of all, How dare this guy, no matter how much history the two of you have together, how dare he tell you that he hates you. Why are you letting this guy break your heart over and over again? I know it's so hard to get angry at him now because the wound is still fresh, but be good to yourself! If he tells you he hates you, you can ask him why; how does it go from the two of you laughing together to 'he hates you'. That's crap girl, I would not put up with it. Does he get some sort of relief by telling you this? It sounds like he's getting his cake and eating it too. You need to stop with the sex, the contact, all of it. If he 'hates' you and he wants his space GIVE IT ALL TO HIM. As for the family thing... I have plans to meet with my ex's mother for dinner tomorrow night. THERE'S NOTHING PSYCHO ABOUT THAT. When you've known people for so long you can't just break ties with them. It's you and your ex that can't see each other, not his family - they have nothing to do with this. My ex's mother is like my other mother and she was the one who said to me, "No matter what happens I still want to see you." So that's what we're doing. My ex doesn't have to know what we do, or even that we're hanging out, he lost that privlage when he took a break from me. So now, the future is up to you. Obviously hanging out with this guy hasn't mended anything. He sounds a little controlling, so hot and cold all the time. Why does he get to make the decision when the two of you speak or see each other. Basically what I'm saying is, you're a new person now. It's time to become best friends with yourself, it's time to leave the past in the past. Don't hold on because it's the only thing you know how to do, trust me on this, I'm going through the same thing. Hold you chin high and know that you are so much better than all of this bull. Never let anyone take your dignity away. Be strong, and know that for that one guy that has broken your heart, there are more I promise, that would and could NEVER do that to you. We're women, we're meant to hop back to our two feet and say f*ck it, I'm going to start my life over with a clean slate. Not many women get that opportunity. "Down came the rain...AND OUT CAME THE SUN" Have faith in yourself and the best of luck sweetie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:25pm
He's young, jumped from one relationship to another, takes advantage of the friendship/history with you. My guess, it's just not ready to be in a long-term committed relationship. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie