Losing one's sense of self

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Losing one's sense of self
4
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:09am

After spending the first week of my break up reflecting on the relationship with my ex, I realize that I lost myself while I was in the relationship. I am one of those folks that journal most every day. When I compare my writings from this past week to my writings one year ago, it’s frightening to see how ‘untrue’ to myself I became. I don’t know why I lost myself with him but I did. It’s frightening that I did because I am certain that I cannot have a healthy relationship unless I am able remain true to myself while coupled up. I’m not certain that I can ‘blame’ him for causing this change in me either. It’s true that he made life difficult and I switched my focus from myself to keeping the peace or protecting myself from him but that choice to ‘change’ was mine. (Not a conscious choice) It’s worth reflecting on. Maybe understanding this aspect of myself can be the one good thing that comes out of all this pain.

I’d love to hear from anyone else out there that has lost their sense of self to the relationship. How did it happen and how do you prevent it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:01am

i too "lost" myself in my last relationship, and i think it's great that you're bringing this subject up, because not many people talk about it...but i think it's extremely important. i don't think that you can truely be happy and have a healthy relationship if you are not "whole" and true to yourself(like you had mentioned). i'm still on the journey of healing from my break up (a year ago), but like i always say, what started out to be a journey of healing has turned out to be a journey of self discovery/re-discovery.

my relationship was for 4yrs(lived for two), and i lost myself i think right from the get go, and it just progressed throughout the years, especially when we lived together. i used to be really independant emotionally, mentally, financially, and as soon as we got together, i lost all that. before him, i had so many "bad" experiences with men, and he was like my "prince charming" and i just made him my whole life...it was such a slow but steady progression that i didn't realize what was happening until one day a few years later, i couldn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. i became very sheltered...because i didn't want to be around others, didn't want to hang out with friends anymore, just wanted to be with him, so i isolated myself from everyone because i just became so attached to him. also, he was like my protector..he liked playing that role too, i guess it made him feel like a "man" (he only had good intensions though). anytime i encountered any type of problem in my life, instead of turning to God(i was very spiritual before i met him) or turning and looking within and figuring things out for myself...i ran to him to "save" me, and that's probably one of the most damaging things i could have done to myself..a year later after our break up and i'm still working on that one..it's amazing/scary how damaging certain things can be to your "self" and at the time you don't realize it because on the surface it doesn't seem harmful at all. he also became my security blanket. at one point i had put on weight and i was very unhappy with the way i looked and was very self-concious. because of this i couldn't go anywhere by myself because i thought everyone would stare at me because i was so horrid looking...therefore if he was with me, all the attention would not be on me, and that's how he became my security blanket..honestly, i couldn't even walk down the street without him by my side. anyways, there was a lot more ways i lost myself..but that's the jist of it.

this is why i don't want to rush into another relationship until i'm ready and have fully "found" myself and am at a point where i know i will not lose myself again with someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 1:05pm

I definitely lost my sense of self in my last relationship as well.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 6:17am
i find it every time i lose my sense of self is when i have contact with him..i was doing so well for almost threee months without any contact and he did try to contact me once in between until this past friday he left me a message wanted me to call him back..and wanted to invite me somewhere ..well..i broke the nc rule..i hate myself for that matter..when i called him back ..he asked me if i would go to his engagement party..oh my god...i cant believe what i heard...it crushed me soo bad but i remain calmed..he told me he met her in sept and already gave her a ring? i know him for 3 years.he said a lot of hurtful things to me on friday..that this could of be our engagement..of how he loved me and still thinks of me...and if i am sincere about what i did was wrong he would give me 24 hours to call him and he wants to postpone the engagement party......he had lied to me b4 about other issues..why did he have to call me and told me all of these? i have been soo emotional since i spoke to him..i am soo hurt and have lost 5 pounds since friday..good way to lose weights..lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:39am

My heart goes out to you!! How could he be so callous!?! That was so cruel of him that I am speechless!

How could this man who claims to be in love with you cause you more pain than I would be capable of - me a perfect stranger? I don't have any clue who you are so I feel no obligation towards you and yet my personal sense of decency would never permit me to cause such pain to anyone, let alone someone I actually loved!

This man is lacking some basic level of human decency. Not to mention how cruel he is being to this other woman who is ready to marry him. Can you imagine giving a vow to someone who claims to be in love with someone else and would be ready to cancel the wedding on a moment's notice?

Believe me - you have just motivated me to hold fast to the n/c rule! Thank you for giving me my daily dose of motivation.

Stay strong. You will get through this and one day find a real partner!