at a loss for words
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| Wed, 04-04-2007 - 12:11am |
tonight i called my bf/ex-. he said he would be as honest as possible as to why he wanted to end the relationship, other than the reason that he was not in love with me anymore.
he said that he didn't feel it was right to keep me in a relationship with him when he felt that he didn't want to commit to me when he hasn't had a change to "slut it up" in his life. he said that he had everything he could possibly want in a woman right in front of him but still felt like he was missing something, that he constantly wondered "what if" about being with someone else, because he's only been with 3 other people besides me. he said that he would be constantly wondering what it would be like because he fears i am the only other person he will sleep with and wants to feel the chase and what it is like to be with someone "new."
i felt like i was grasping at straws, but i suggested that since he already ended our relationship, that perhaps we both take 30 days to see what being with other people may be like. that since we are separated, that it is not cheating, and that we can each sleep with one other person of our choice, one time. no contact is to be applied and once the time period is up, we see if we actually want to be together again.
i am devasted. i think i have made the wrong decision. i know that i can go the next few months without even having to sleep with anyone else, knowing that it is only him that i want in my bed. why is that he is not satisfied with having just me?
i feel like this is an itch he has to scratch and that since we aren't together, i really don't have any say, other than not to go back to him in the end.
i feel like crying. howling at sky and throwing things at the walls.

ccheckers...
It's clear (to Pianoguy anyway) that your former b/f's agenda doesn't match yours!
Take the 30 day break and don't communicate!
As badly as you're feeling right now, you've got to learn to 'function without a partner' and move forward. I realize this is EASY for PG to say...because he didn't experience a recent breakup like you did? But when either sex puts too much of their own personality into any relationship...only to see it go sour...THE CHANGE WILL DO YOU GOOD!
While most of us would like to have a loving, caring, soul-mate for life...you can't expect the people you're in love with to "match your feelings note-for-note!"
Muster up a little courage and pat yourself on the back. You're a good person and did the best you could with the EX...but NOW...it's time to MOVE ON!
Pianoguy
I think he was honest with you in the very beginning, but you haven't been listening to him because it wasn't something you wanted to hear.
In your very first post, almost the first line of it was that he'd broken up with you because he wanted to be free to date other people, that he didn't want to answer to anyone, and that he wanted to be single. And oh by the way, he'd also lost any attraction for you. He knew that ethically, having these feelings while still dating you was wrong. He's not changed his reasoning this whole time.
I know that had to be very hard to hear again.
But you have to listen to it this time, you have to believe it, and you have to actually do no contact. I went back over your posts, and almost every one of them was about how you'd broken no contact and pleaded with him somehow yet again. So you're going to need to get friends to help you overcome that. Call a friend, go running, go shopping, take a walk, take a shower or bubble bath, so many things you can do besides call him
Read the post How to Break the Compulsive Calling Cycle, because you definitely need it. While you're at it, read the posts Zen of Doing Nothing, Breakup Do's and Don'ts, and How to Get Over Your Breakup. You've been offering yourself to him ever since the breakup, even showing up at his house uninvited to climb in bed with him and you're about to sell your soul by coming up with this free sex for a month thing (because you want to be the one who gives him what he wants) and thinking that it won't affect you. Just from your posts, I can guarantee you it will, and then you may be trying to blame him for your hurt feelings later, when you're the one who came up with that brilliant idea. Don't do it. I don't care if you've already agreed to it, that's a BS agreement and you don't have to follow through. He may have hurt your feelings with the breakup, but you're the one making it destructive.
It's only been a little over two weeks since the breakup, so I know it's still fresh and raw, but you've got to pull back from this whole thing for your own good. You're still grasping at him so tightly that he's getting strangled in the chokehold, which will only result in him trying even harder to get away from you, and you're hacking away at any self-respect and self-esteem you might have had, not to mention his level of respect for you. Stop self-destructing and start the no contact now. You've got to get yourself out of this vicious vicious cycle, you can do it.
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
ccheckers,
Here's your posts to re-read:
what will taking a 30 day break do?
devastated, so confused!
You wrote:
He said he wants to be single and not have the responsibilities of having to answer to anyone or check in. He wanted to be free.