LOST and can you EVER be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
LOST and can you EVER be friends?
5
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 1:39am

Two months ago my boyfriend of five years started going through a "quarter-life crisis"...deciding he needed to change his career. Then a month ago, after my constant pressure to talk about what was going on with him because he kept commenting on how much our relationship had changed, he said that he wanted to take a break. I'm not a believer in breaks, but I agreed to because we'd gottten through so much already and I recognized that he needed time to figure things out. The break was time-limited and we were to try "working things out" in a month. Well, the month passed (painfully) and his plan changed to "hanging out and seeing what happens" - this was not the initial plan. I forced the issue and he finally told me that his feelings for me had changed, that during our time apart he missed our friendship but not our relationship, that he just needed to be alone, that he couldn't make the commitment to the relationship that I deserved and wanted. This was a week ago.

I was devastated when we split. Before we got together I never planned on being in a long-term relationship, depending on someone, or getting married. After alot of work through the years we were together these ideas changed. Now, finally at a point where I thought I wanted to start thinking about getting married I am alone, which would've been alright for the pre-relationship me but not anymore. I've never been good at being single and was happy that I had all of that behind me. I feel like all my plans have been erased and I'm lost. I'm looking back and wondering if I did things differently if this wouldn't have happened, especially since he can give me no reasons about why his feelings changed. I feel like I don't want to feel better, I don't want to move on, and I don't want to hear that i'll be okay. Please...has anyone felt this way? Where do I go from here? How do I answer all these questions running through my head? How do I resolve all the confusion I feel?

An added issue is that he still wants to be friends. I don't think I can NOT be friends with him. He has been my best friend and constant support for five years and I don't think I can let go of that. I've tried not to talk to him over the past month and definitely over the past week, but I still want to and when I do it can at times return to a pleasant conversation. There's a huge hole in my life without him. I have heard over and over from friends and on this site that being friends with an ex is not a good idea. I've tried it before and it didn't work, but he was trying to string me along in case he wanted me back and I really believe this situation is different. I'm under no illusion that we're getting back together (and now that the initial grief is subsiding i'm acknowledging that I had my own doubts about whether we would work out in the future)...okay, there is a tiny piece at the back of my mind that wishes it, but its waning. So, may question is: has anyone successfully negotiated being friends with their ex?

I've read alot of insightful responses on this board and would appreciate any wisdom thrown my way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 11:53am

Hi there,

I can relate to your situation. Unfortunately I am the "perpetrator" (see my post "should I end long-term relation")

I can't answer your question about being friends with an ex because I haven't eperienced it. However I do think that in time (maybe once both of you are in good relationships) you can become friends. I can't imagine my DH (and his family)not in my life in some way. Of course it will be their choice, not mine.

One thing that struck me was that your bf sounds like he may have depression. I went through a similar experience. Wanting to "just be alone." One sign of depression is pushing away the people that love you. I know I have done it before (I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2000.) And I am doing it now. What I am trying to figure out is whether the depression is causing my doubt or whether my marital situation is causing the depression. There are no easy answers. In the meantime, you may want to try therapy - I prefer cognitive therapy because the goal is to change your thinking patterns to help you sort out all of the emotions you are going through.

I hope this helps a little. Take care :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 12:30pm


Namaste,

Even without the answer to can we be friends, it does help to know someone out there can't imagine not having their ex in their lives - especially since I have read your post and know you can relate to the best-friend-ex feeling.

You are very perceptive about his possibly having depression. I am doing my master's in counselling psychology, as well as having been through depression myself - so trust me, it was a major consideration and I explored it with him to its end. However, now that he's made some changes in his life he seems to have regained a large part of himself which is what has led me to the "quarter-life-crisis" conclusion.

PS - As I have been thorugh depression and am in the field of psychology, I have to note that I am very happy to hear that you are taking medication and are familiar with CBT. I hope that they are helping and that you are beginning to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel of depression. I know how crushing the weight of depression can be and wanted to send a ray of hope that this weight can be lifted and you are taking the right steps to do so.

I can really relate to your dilemma of whether you have doubt because you're depressed - I thought this was true of myself, that I had a negative outlook and may always have doubts. I am now beginning to honestly examine my past thoughts and am starting to think that I had doubts independent of my depression and that I was trying to deny them because he was my best friend and there was nothing outwardly wrong with him or our relationship.

Not that I would ever wish your situation on anyone, but because I can relate to your description of your early relationship and persistent doubts perhaps I can find solace that I did not continue, get married, and have children with him only to come to the realization that you have now come to. See yourself as a model of strength and an example of being true to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 1:42pm
I am actually going through a very similar situation. My fiance told me he does not know if he wants to be with me. The problem is that I live with him, and we were best friends before this. We are now trying to keep the friendship because we feel that our relationship did not work because we lost our foundation of that friendship. We did date when we first met also, broke it off and remained friends. We are now just trying to rekindle the friendship. I believe you can do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 3:19pm

Jade,

Thanks so much for your kind words. It does helps so much to see different perspectives. Though I don't quite feel like a model of strength, (I feel more like a complete failure - but that's my "all or nothing" thinking)I do appreciate your input. You are on your way to becoming a great therapist. Good luck to you! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2005
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 4:18pm

Hello,

I think I understand your situation because I have just been through it a few weeks ago. Now I am feeling better but deep down in my heart I still wish that me and my ex can keep at least our friendship. Well he told me that he still wanted to be friends. But in my experience I think that if you have not gotten over him as a lover yet, I don't think it's a good idea to be friends. Because everytime you talk or see him, it will only bring back memories of a past relationship. During the past weeks, I had the temptation to call him and said we could be friends but I tried to stop myself. It was hard but I know that if I tried to be friends with him when I am not completely healed then I just wasted all the hard time that I've been through to be single again. So please try to take care of yourself first. Anyway, that's just my thoughts.

Be strong, I wish you all the best.