lost myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
lost myself?
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:10pm

Hello,

This is my first time here. I've been reading through some of the posts on this board but if I have missed one that you think answers my questions, please point me in the right direction. Thanks =)

I have been dating my boyfriend for now 4 years, with one 4-ish month break-up at the end of last year. We "dated" briefly at the end of high school (before our actual relationship), but it was not a serious relationship and at the time, I had no idea he had the feelings for me he had. I didn't have them at the time and didn't feel anything for him until we reconnected later on. He has always kind of held this against me (that I ended up dating someone else and didn't take our "dating" seriously), and I think I have been trying to compensate for it ever since I realized how much I loved him. Anyway, I initiated this break-up last year because I was unhappy with the way things in our relationship had been progressing... we went from rarely ever fighting and complete bliss (for the first 2 years our relationship was unbelievable) to basically hating each other. Communication was awful (which I can admit is maybe even mostly my fault).. he ignored me when I tried to talk to him about things that didn't directly pertain to him, refused to take any interest in anything I did, hated all of my friends, and put a negative spin on any single thing I ever did or said. So I shut down. I was tired of negative responses to any kind of communication with him. Things obviously from there fell further apart, until I finally broke up with him. He was floored and called me horrible names but tried to get me to reconsider. He was so bitter. And maybe I did not do the best job of breaking up with him, but I was so confused. I thought he was the one, and I couldn't believe he would treat me the way he had been. It was hard to let him go and I think I struggled to do that, so I said some things that I hoped would just end it faster so we could move on. I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about him and that I didn't think I loved him anymore.

When we first were apart, he called, text messaged, showed up at my house unannounced, etc., all the time. I was angry with him for the way things had turned out and for what he was now doing after we had finally broken up. I thought I was ready to move on but after those few months, I missed him. Now I'm not sure if I legitimately missed him or if I was lonely. During the time we were broken up, I ran into the guy I dated before him and eventually slept with him. Mistake, yes, but I did not cheat and at that point, did not ever see us getting back together or I wouldn't have done it.

Anyway, so we got back together and I eventually told him about the ex I slept with while we were broken up. He told me what a slut I am and said horrible things to me. He told me he hated me on several occasions and I finally told him I could not stand to listen to that any longer. How can someone who supposedly loves me so much say such awful things? He told me he would not say it again but that has never left my head... Things eventually sort of blew over and we've been trying to get back on track since. We have good days and bad.

So, we are sort of back to square one. Our relationship has now come back to this point where every day seems like a constant battle(did it ever leave that point though?). Some days will be ok but I feel like in a few days I will hear what I'm doing wrong all over again. I can never communicate well enough, show enough affection, and the list goes on. Beyond that, I feel like I spend all my time trying to figure out what to do next or how to make the situation better. I'm only 23 and I can't enjoy the simple things anymore...I used to feel like that was one of my better qualities. I no longer enjoy my job and finishing my degree becomes more and more of a chore. I see my friends less often because I've really become accustomed to spending time alone (and actually really relishing that time by myself). I used to love these things, but now I feel like I am consumed with trying to figure out how to make this relationship work.. or how to end it. After breaking up last time, I don't want to make it any worse than it has to be. I do still love him, but I'm definitely not in love anymore. I think we are both holding onto something that went away a long time ago (ghost of a good thing comes to mind). I think it's obvious the end is near but I don't know how to do it successfully after last time was so awful.

Thoughts? Thanks for listening, sorry I got long-winded and my thoughts are a bit scattered.

m