Of love and rejection
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| Sun, 03-20-2005 - 12:56pm |
Here I am 28 years old, and alone again. Not that this is new to me. I've been alone quite a large portion of my life. Some reason as I got older I stopped making friends. Don't ask me how or why I couldn't tell you. Just know that I isolated myself for some reason unknown to me. Well I did a good job of it.
But I'm getting away from the topic I wanted to talk about. That is being dumped. It's never been a pleasant experience even at it's best it's still rejection. Oh but your better then that, she/he doesn't deserve you blah, blah. If I'm so good why did I get dumped? Funny thing is I asked what was it about me that she didn't like. Never answered. Does it matter what the reason was?
I think so. I'm finally to the point in my life were being alone isn't alright anymore. I wanted to know what about me was so unappealing. I mean we all have our faults but I think for the most part we are oblivious to them. So dumped, and I don't know whats wrong with me. I can only guess as to what what it is.
I mean I wasn't good enough for her, but the guys before me were, and of course the guys after me. I shouldn't care right? I mean I'm a wonderful person with so much to offer, and blah, blah. Yeah aside from all that it's her I wanted. She was a wonderful person, she was kind, funny, beautiful, so alive. She had her faults of course but she wasn't cruel or abusive or anything just wasn't into me.
It happens right? We are supposed to get up and dust ourselves off and keep moving. Oh but don't dwell on the pain, or the sorrow or the loneliness. Just ignore the huge gaping whole of emptiness that is there now. Toss a band aid on it, and lets go out for lunch. The truth is we should embrace the feelings instead of trying to distract ourselves with going to the mall or cleaning or listening to music. I know it hurts to explore it but if we are to learn about ourselves we should.
I certainly don't want to experience this again. So I'm left in a difficult position. Do I change? As a person I'm very open with my feelings and thoughts, I'm very sensitive, and compassionate. I love to love! Whether it's people, ideas, or faith. So do I close myself off like every other hurt person out there? Just put a no trespassing sign over my heart? I don't know but it doesn't seem like such a bad idea if I can avoid going through this again.
Guess I just wanted to vent and get these things off my chest. I'm sure of you will disagree with me or analyze me (I get such a kick out of those) thats fine. I'll be ok eventually we all will be but, the question is will we be the same person as before? No. Every time we go through something like this I think some part of us dies. *smiles* I know a little dramatic but I think it's true. Can you honestly say that after being rejected by whomever your the same person you were before?
I just want to apologise for any and all mispellings, and grammatical errors. All my thoughts just poured out all at once really didn't have to time to go through, and filter everything. Thanks for reading.
Lonny

Hey Ascendent
I know how much you're hurting right now and I completely agree with you that it sucks ass. This is the first relationship process I've ever been through and, though I knew the potential for hurt was there (which is why I avoided intimate relationships like the plague), I had no idea how deep the pain really goes, especially when you're in love. Being rejected by that person you're in love with, in a word, blows. While I "understand" why we broke up, I am still utterly baffled as to how my ex could happily take every shred of myself that I gave to him and then just...toss me aside. And I'm even more perplexed b/c he still loves me (as a person), says I'm his best friend, would still be intimate with me if I was comfortable with that, wants to be in my life "forever", hopes that there may be a second chance for us years down the road (no) blah blah blah. No matter how much I think about it, and intellectualize it or try to make sense of it all, I still just don't understand.
But you know what I've come to realize? That it doesn't matter. Screw it. Honestly, there are some things in life, such as matters of the heart, that we are just destined to be unable to make any kind of sense of. It is what it is. And this doesn't mean that I don't still hurt, because God, there are still some days where I feel like my chest is going to collapse from the weight of the love that I carry for this man I cannot have. It doesn't mean that you "slap a band aid" on the pain, or ignore it, or pretend it's not there. You accept it. Embrace it. Let it wash over you when it's there. And then, as the moment of agony subsides (as it always will), you move through it. And that's the important part--to move through it--because otherwise you're just wallowing in the pain and letting it bring you down.
How do you move through it? Well I suppose that each person has to find his or her own way. As for myself, I have both external and internal techniques: Externally, aside from just continuing with my daily activities, I specifically work out and journal to move through the pain...Internally, I recognize that this pain is coming from an extraordinarily deep and profound love, one that I had never felt prior to this relationship, and that I am so grateful to God for being given the chance to feel this--all of this--and share it with someone amazing, if even only temporarily. I find both peace and joy in the fact that I loved deeply and loved well. That, and knowing that I am the only person that I "need" and that I am a beautiful, strong, capable and independent woman.
Is it easy? No. Not at all. But it's getting better day by day. Am I ever going to be the same person that I was before all of this started? Of course not. And that's okay. Change is okay (scary, but okay). We learn and we grow when we weather life's hardships.
Everything that you're feeling is okay. Don't berate yourself for it or think that there is "something wrong with you" because this girl didn't work out. If you really feel like something is lacking or amiss in your life then take time to work on yourself, love yourself and be completely happy with yourself, by yourself. Maybe even go see a counselor to really help you see deeper into yourself and work through anything that needs to be worked through. Be free.
Edited 3/20/2005 3:16 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
You have to keep in mind that the person who leaves isn't rejecting you as a person, they're rejecting the dynamic of the two of you as a couple. And that can be for many reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you doing anything "wrong" or being a loser. Sometimes, they realize this isn't the right time to try a relationship. Sometimes, they grow and change so that the things they were looking for when they got into the relationship are different from what they're looking for now (I married my high school sweetheart, and that's why we ended - me post-law school was nothing like the me from high school, when I used to float around like some hippie gypsie without shoes, writing poetry; the kind of aimless, slacker, deep-thinking songwriter I was drawn to at that age was so the opposite of the hard-charging, adult lawyer me that it was like we were from different planets; we grew apart).
Even when I have ended a relationship because a guy did something "wrong" that upset me, or disappointed me because of something he did, I didn't leave him because he was a loser, I left him because I needed something different from a long-term partner. I still respected him as a person, but recognized that he and I were not a good fit for each other, and I always regretted that it had to be that way. I always left with the expectation that we would both be better off, in that he would be able to find someone looking for someone just like him.
For example, with my marriage, we both fought endlessly and there was a lot of stress in trying to reconcile our different identities and different lifestyles. I know there's someone out there who would think him being in a band and writing poetry was just amazing, and exactly what she was looking for. I was looking for someone comfortable in a tie who wouldn't harangue my lawyer friends with Marxist theories about how immoral their decadent capitalistic lifestyles were. Ultimately, that breakup was for the best, for both of us, despite us having shared good times for many years. My "rejection" of us as a viable couple was not, in any sense, a rejection of him as a person. It was an acknowledgment that we, together, were not meeting each others' needs and didn't stand much chance of making it in the long term.
Similarly, some people are perfectly happy never to have children, some never want to be married, some are happy to live like Woody Allen and Mia Farrow did, in separate apartments across Central Park, even after years of being together. Some people are looking for deep emotional support and understanding, others are looking for a primarily sexual and companionate bond. We all have different needs and expectations. Sometimes, those don't mesh with our partners. Sometimes, they aren't capable of meeting our needs for romance, emotional support, hot passion, long-term commitment, whatever. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with that person, it means that we're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole trying to force the relationship to work when it isn't meeting our needs, and that's not ultimately fair or healthy for either partner in the relationship.
That's all that relationship "rejection" is, it's a byproduct of the quest for a good fit between two people's needs and expectations. It's a rejection of the fit, not a rejection of the person. You have to keep your self-esteem and realize it doesn't diminish you, or you're likely to attract a string of failed relationships, in a romantic Murphy's Law kind of way.
Wonderful responses. I'll take what you both said to heart.
Lonny