love is just wasted time
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-16-2007 - 4:46pm |
every major change in my life, every emotional schock i go through i come to you guys.my pride prevents me from going to anybody else. not even my mom. i dont want her to see me cry. so i come to you, complete strangers, for a little bit of comfort. I love ivillage :)
so tired of love...so tired of life in general it seems happy moments are are so far an in between and i get so lost in them that every time they pass my by i find it harder and harder to breathe.
in 2003 a guy i deeply loved broke up with me because of long distance. it was so very hard to get up every day and get on with life as usual and it took me about a year to get over it.
its 2007 now and again im about to go through the same bull*. I have been dating this guy for about 5 months now and fell in love with him. And of course, when you love all reason goes out the window. Pride...all gone. Free will...all gone. You feel so wrapped in this feeling and you are on such a high when you are together. Worst of all, you love without holding back because as cheesy as it is I believe in that 'love like youve never been hurt' and I give unconditional love. I am just a very emotional person and put my heart in everything i do and in every friendhsip and relationship i have.
Anyhow..fast forward to tonight. Without any details I just realized that my heart will be broken again this time. He is a nice person, cool guy but has issues. Past relationships, life in general. He is also pretty young(27) ...not nearly ready to be in a commited relationship, jelous, and for some reason likes to hurt me. Unintentionally or intentionally I don't know. It's small things. You know when you realize hey, maybe i calculated it wrong again. And I stay because there are good times as well. And every hug erases every tear I cried the day before.
It's just that I am so afraid that I will never open myself ever again. When I do all I get in return is heartache. Not sure what it is I do wrong. Are you even doing anything wrong when you are being yourself. And objectivelly, I am a pretty cool gf. I am not overly jelous, I am generous, I am not overwhelming, do not call too much or too little, express my feelings but am not clingy. And still I seem to always end up with emotionally immature guys. So tonight I just want to say to hell with love. When I am finally able to rip this guy out of my heart I swear I will never let myself love again. If that means being alone for the rest of my life so be it. I'll just adopt a kid and if it is a girl I will never read her any fairytales cause all they did was mess me up.
I feel like my heart's overflowing and there is just so much I wanna say but my tears are blurring the letters and the screen. So I-ll just go listen to some music and then off to dreamland. Only place where anything is possible.
Thank you all for listening

Ok, I wasn't going to answer this one until tomorrow because it has a lot of parts and pieces to it and I personally get emotionally drained when it gets to be a lot in the day, but I saw on another board the very typical (read: bad) advice you got so far and since I don't want any chica who comes across my board to remain typical after they leave, here I am, coffee in hand. ;)
I'm going to post your other post I found, because it gives SO much more information than this one did.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmrright&msg=6845.1
From here on out this is for you, nikolina, and all you ladies out there who give too much to your man, enough to lose yourself completely, because niko's post could speak for a whole lot of ladies out there......
Frankly, you're tired of love because you haven't yet learned how to give it, at least not in a way that is enriching and satisfying. This post of niko's only gave me a very small glimpse of what you were doing to yourself, which is giving too much, but my little suspicions were confirmed when I read the other one. Aha!
You're going to need to do a lot of work on yourself before you can get into a good relationship, and I can totally understand where you'd be feeling disillusioned and frustrated now because well, it's sucked for you so far. But it really doesn't have to. And it doesn't necessarily mean you have to enter a whole bunch of therapy either. What it does mean is that you have to start getting a new attitude and ***block out*** any and all negative, typical, stereotypical, angered or embittered thoughts, beliefs, opinions and habits that don't celebrate who you are as a person and most importantly, as a woman. It's good to be the queen!
Believe me, once you start thinking, believing, and living positive beliefs about yourself and your role in your own life as a woman, any of that negativity that you see flying around as "empowerment" will sound harsh to you, you'll back away from it and the people who spread it, instinctively.
So let's get down to love. (Sounds like a Marvin Gaye song)
What you haven't learned yet, apparently, is that until you love yourself fully, you won't ever be able to love or be loved fully. How about that? It's true. Another person outside ourselves can only love us as much as we love ourselves. Why? Because of this crazy little thing called self-esteem. If you don't have it-- and you can only get it by loving yourself-- the hole that exists in its absence can never be filled from the outside. It's impossible.
See, you have this notion that all women are the same, where you ask, ....."why is it that we align our lives with those of our SOs and they seem to always keep their habits intact?"..... not all women are like that. In fact, the most healthy women do NOT do that, they KEEP their lives and their schedules and don't "align" themselves completely to the man in their life. He's IN your life, he's NOT your life. Major difference you haven't noticed or acted upon yet. So that's one way you've been hurting yourself and sabotaging your love life.
Here's another way you've been hurting yourself: ....."The problem I have though is that every relationship I am in I always seem to invest a lot emotionally, financially..60% of my energy is channeled to that person and a lot of my day to day activities involve the guy I am with."..... I know I always ask the women of the boards why they would do that, and they sometimes come back with, "because I love him" but so what? Because you love someone you're going to give up your life for him, become half a person, give up your interests and your personal goals, dreams, or aspirations? What has he done for you lately, to quote Miss Jackson (if you're nasty)?
You go way too long in between relationships and dating. While it's great to take time in between relationships to flesh out your life, there's no reason to become an emotional hermit. So you have relationship, have relationship, have relationship... boom! No relationship, no relationship, no relationship... boom! Jump deep in relationship, deep in relationship, deep in relationship---- That's exhausting, don't you think? And the new guy becomes OVERWHELMED by just how much emotion and sexual energy has been pent up over the last however long, and he runs far far away. And then *he* ends up looking like a jerk becuase well, you were "just loving him." That's what I call opening the walled-up heart dam and letting the emotional floodgates loose to kill the tiny little village below.
Just because someone isn't as emotional as you are (I know I'm nowhere near being close to that) doesn't mean they are emotionally stunted. That includes guys, hell, that includes me. Everyone is different. I think for you it's going to be a matter of learning to let the emotions out a little at a time without allowing them to either overwhelm you or overwhelm the person you're with. You should definitely be yourself, but ask yourself this: Are you being your BEST self? Because if you're not, then your not-best self is the one cruising for all the dates, and you're going to end up with whatever is attracted to what she puts out there. Are you sure you want that?
Think about it.
Hey Sandra,
EverySo, when you mix all the above you get am emotionally unstable psycho :)
Yesterday was a turning point really. He is going home (neighbouring country) for the weekend and yet once again hasn't invited me to come with him. He goes quite often too and not even once did he ask if id like to come. Everytime I go home I offer him to come especially cause I live on the coast so I know he enjoys coming along. So yest night I tell him 'come on over, spend the night' which in itself is psycho (as I now just realized) cause we spent the night before together. And he txts back saying 'dont feel like it'. So i call and say 'hey all cool? why dont u come I wont see you for a couple of days' and he says smth like 'oh so what now you cant be without me even for a few days'. Then I realize I've given too much into this relationship. Tears hit, I start walking around like a caged lion, send him a text 'never mind, its cool no need to come see u when u get back', I go online and the rest is history :) He did end up coming and it was as crapy as can be. I was of course in a lousy mood, no sex, he was in a lousy mood as there were some candles on my balchony so again (happened a couple of times already)he thinks I had a guy over or smth (i never cheated, he has trust issues). Fast forward this morning, we wake up, no cuddling or anything, he gets ready to leave, is about to leave, we hug, he steps out the door, we hug again...and im observing this like it's movie scene thats being played out in front of me and I can see I am very dear to him but I also realize that that's it. That's all.Nothing deeper then that. And as I leave the appartment to go to work I look up in the sky and I say 'God, if you can help me stop caring about this guy I will become a nun if need be'. :)
You reminded me of smth I knew before but seem to have forgotten. I obviously have such a deep need for people to love me that I give my all until I know I've won them over. I don't know where this stems from but it's a problem and I need to get rid of it. I don't believe in sitting on a couch type of counseling. Instead I come here..you all are my psyciatrists. And I will listen to your advice and finally get a hold of my life but man, it's going to be hard. It has become such a habit to give my all that it will take a lot of will to switch just to the normal mode, let alone to the mode where I do not compromise my desires and dreams.
Having you reply meant a lot Sandra. Thank you once again.
Niko
p.s. what is your story?
Edited 8/17/2007 4:51 am ET by xnikolinax