in love with a married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
in love with a married man
6
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 6:27am

i have been involved with a married man for over 10 years. i am also married. it took five years to give in to intimacy. we started as good friends and, of course, didn't stay that way. i thought i was happy in my marriage before meeting this person and was not looking for a relationship. as we grew to know each other better, the chemistry was electric and we enjoyed each other's conversation and company. although he was the pursuer in the beginning, it is me who has more difficulty with the thought of not having him in my life. he cares for me more than he ever admits but lets it slip out every once in a while. probably just enough to keep me hanging on.

he broke things off last christmas and i was devastated. i thought it was permanent and cried my eyes out for two months. it was very hard at first because he was so cold and insensitive and acted like ten years of a close friendship meant nothing. by the third month he called out of the blue and wanted to be friends again. he said he missed me and wanted to earn back my friendship. i was elated and quickly slipped back into the mode of me wanting more and he wanting less. neither of us will leave our marriages but the closeness i feel with him is very important to me.

i haven't heard from him in ten days. i was waiting for a time to see him that he claimed he was working on and he let christmas and new years go by without even a call. he will call next week and act lie nothing happened. the old me would have just been grateful to hear from him but now i am trying to get the courage to stay away from him.

i have been on antidepressants since the last breakup which i give credit to this time that i don't cry nearly as much. my head knows i have to give him up, but my heart cannot get him out of my mind. as angry and hurt as i get, i still love him and five minutes on the phone and i forgive him for everything. he knows how much i care for him and takes advantage of that.

ten years is a long time. the rule i keep hearing is that it will take me 5 years to get over a ten year relationship. is this always the case? we have a lot of mutual friends and i notice that if i just see him in church at a distance, i start missing him all over again. i have never felt the pain of loving someone like this before. if i had better self esteem i would have dumped him long ago.

lost
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 3:06pm

You can get over a heartbreak like this, but you have got to stop letting him back in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 3:22pm

Hi Buddy2008


Wow, I don't know where to start. I have had several relationships with married men, and just as you said, they won't ever leave the ones that they are with. This is not 100%, but 90% of men that are married will not leave their significant others UNLESS they want to. Some men find pure enjoyment in being able to have more than one woman in their lives, verses having that ONE woman that they vowed before God to be with until death do them part, and or for better or worse. I feel that every individual deserves happiness on a consistent basis, not a part time basis. If he is the person that you want to be with, then divorce your husband and be with this man, because it's not fair to your husband whether he knows about this or not. And if the other person isn't willing to leave his significant other, in my opinion because you love this man so much, I would recommend that you just be on stand by until he does. The point is that it's not fair to the other two people in your lives that you've committed to.


You deserve happiness, and I wish you the best....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 7:03pm

Dear Starryeyedgirl,

Thank you for your response. I was not looking for an affair when I met the man I have been involved with for 10 years. We worked closely together on a project and spent too much time together. When the project was nearing it's end, I realized I had feelings for him. He also had feelings for me. I was not raised to do something like this and my family and friends would not even believe this is something I am part of. Also it is nothing I would ever consider doing again. He did make me feel special in a lot of ways but my husband is also a good man and has other fine attributes this man doesn't have such as generosity among other things. I grew to love my husband of thirty years but fell in love with this man. We just had so much more in common and enjoyed our conversations very much.

It is odd that we have not spoken for almost two weeks. We didn't have a disagreement. Our last conversation was that he would let me know when he would be able to see me again. He hasn't called and neither have I. Our relationship has waxed and waned over the years with many breakups; the longest being last year about 2 months (also at Christmas time). That breakup was much more emotional with too much drama back and forth. I was devastated and on anti-depressants and in counseling. I couldn't believe how cold he got and blew me off the way he did. Just as I was starting to see the light of day he called me again, made a lot of empty promises and picked up right where we left off. He promised not to hurt me again but somehow always does.

He is probably wondering why he has not heard from me these past two weeks; even to wish him happy holidays. I'm a little proud that I did not break down and call him. I hope he does stay away long enough for me to break this compulsive need I have to talk to him and/or be with him. Like others on this board, I let a lot of friendships go by the wayside in order to be available whenever he was. This past year I have tried to reconnect with old friends to widen my circle of friends again.

I know this is wrong and just the result of low self esteem that I have allowed it to take over me for so long. I don't know where my conscience is in all of this. I am also friends with his wife.

Sorry I am rambling. Thanks for your advice on ending this "toxic relationship".

lost
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 7:14pm

Dear Delawarediva,

Thank you so much for your response. Would you believe that I never wanted to divorce my husband and marry this man; nor have I ever wanted him to leave his family. We both have great kids and although his marriage was miserable when I met him; his wife got suspicious at some point and started treating him much better when she realized that other women may be interested in him. I had a better relationship with my husband and never considered leaving him. I wish things just didn't get so complicated and stayed to the point of just being friends and having good conversations on the phone. If I knew I would fall in love and have such a hard time breaking away, I never would have put myself in such a bad position. Nonetheless, I am here now and hope and pray I have the strength to break away for good this time.

It doesn't feel like the emptiness in my heart will ever go away or my thoughts of him will stop haunting me all day and night. We had more bad times than good and I always gave a lot more than he did, but yet I long to see and/or talk to him. I hope this will end soon.

Thank you for your help.

lost
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 9:45am

Hi Buddy2008


Believe it or not the same thing happened with me. The guy that I was dating was married, and miserable, but when his wife found out about me (seeing the change in his attitude/self-confidence), she quickly became interested in her husband all over again. The good thing with all of this is that it'll definitely get better. Alot of times we always feel that we'll never come out of something that we're going through, but eventually for the most part we do. Just stay strong, continue to pray, and once you get away from this man, mentally, physically, and emotionally, do not think twice about going back down that path.


I am so happy and over-joyed that I left my situation, and trust me it was hard, but because I know that he makes me "weak", I stay completely away from him. I changed my number(s), but prior to this, I wasn't accepting phone calls, not responding to emails, and again eventually he got tired, and quit trying. He is and was such a good person and I wish him the best w/his wife.


Good Luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 12:30pm


I have gotten much better as far as calling him. I don't feel the urgent need to call him like I normally would have in the past to "fix" things. I'm just not so sure I am strong enough yet to ignore his calls. I hope I can do this. I miss him and think about him all the time. I am trying to be realistic about the impossibility of this relationship, but am also losing my best friend. We talked about everything. He was a great confident and business advisor. He made me laugh a lot. I hate that I have to lose a great friendship because we went too far. Maybe in time we can be friends again but not until I am over him romantically. At least this time I don't feel the rejection and humiliation I did last year.

I would love to move on but right now all is see is emptiness and loneliness. One day at a time, I guess.

I really appreciate your input and understanding. It's not a very popular position I am in and shouldn't really expect any sympathy at all for the predicament I put myself in.

lost