low self-esteem. need advice!!
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 01-20-2007 - 4:25am |
Hi,
I finally ended my 3 year relationship with my bf about a month ago. We probably should have ended things long ago (more like a year after we started), but somehow, we remained together. (why do men stick around if they are unhappy?) This relationship is really different from any other I’ve had in the past. Maybe men in the past have been kind to me, but this man was always very unreserved in pointing out how horrible of a girlfriend I am. In the past, he has told me that I’m self-fish, spoiled, bratty and my “behavior” have caused a lot of problem in our relationship. He never apologize and I always have to. Historically, I’ve always been a great girlfriend to other guys and his comments completely sends me in shock. I was so confused by his comments that I stuck around attempting to fix our relationship. Unfortunately, I was growing resentful by his comments, so things just became worse and worse.
About a year and a half into our relationship, I started graduate school. I got tried of him critizing me so I began to put school as a higher priority. On the day when he told me that my “decision to go back to school is ruining our relationship,” I stop trying to fix things all together. The latter half of my relationship with him was simply filled with even ruder comments and name callings. If I was only brave enough to end things… but I was really scared to leave. Thinking back now I wondered why didn't he just break up with me if I'm so horrible?
A month ago, he told me he needed to go away to get away from all this argument, and I told him I felt the same way. An hour later, he moved everything he owned out of my place and we broke up. At first, I thought I would feel better once he left and I won’t hear his critizism anymore. However, now I realized how low my self-esteem has become. Everyday, I’m tortured by this terrible guilt that I should have devoted more time in treating him better instead of school. I keep telling myself that he left me because I negelected him. I keep wondering if I was truly as terrible and self-fished as he described. He has not contacted me since and that fact only assures me that I was as horrible as he said. I truly believe he was not good for me because I was really unhappy. However, I just don’t feel confident and attractive anymore after this relationship. Does anyone have any advise as to how to heal from an experience like this? I’ve never felt this way after a break-up before. Does this mean I still love him and want him back? Is there a good book anyone can recommend on healing my low-self esteem?
Thanks so much for listening.

su328...
Pianoguy read your post twice and came up with the same question:
"Why would this woman invest 3 years of her life in a man who basically told her how INADEQUATE SHE WAS?"
I realize there are some women who feel that verbal abuse represents some sort of a strong male character trait! Personally...I think it's just a way for a guy to BULLY a woman!
Having said the above...you know better than any of us if you're "selfish, spoiled, bratty, too-demanding and have a behavior problem?" So if ANY or ALL of these categories apply...FIX YOUR PROBLEM before the next man enters your life!
When a man tells a woman that he needs to "go away"---and the 2 of you are sharing space together---make sure you get his keys before he leaves!
One more PG observation...and this applies to ALL WOMEN:
The beauty that any woman shows a man on the outside...has to BEGIN on the inside!
Best wishes and warm thoughts during your healing process...
Pianoguy
Do not beat your self up over an AHOLE I am sorry but he is one you didn't do anything wrong he is the one that started to compare you to the perfect girl which does not exist and its not your fault turn your negative thoughts into a postive ones such as
That ex BF of mine was such a loser now I gain someone else that will treat me with love and respect for I deserve it
That ex Loser of mine used to make me feel bad for advancing in my career and school and he was just jealous for he was not doing the same and he was never kind or supportive of
me Alleuia he is gone
Listen my ex hub did the same crap to me but guess what he was insecure selfish miserable man that wanted to bring me down after he left I started to have my self doubts too but you know what I am much better off without him and now I am finally dating a better kinder and supportive man
all is not lost your a wonderful person and start writing 5 good things that you like about yourself such as for me I am known to be witty kind loving caring and very goofy as well as smart and know what I want out of my life thank god that loser is out of your life be strong
Thanks everyone for all your support.
Thinking back now I didn't know why I decided to spend 3 years of my life with someone who never made me feel good about myself. I guess that is exactly why I realize I have low self-esteem issues and needed help. I should have walked away much early on but I kept doubting if he could be right about me. He just seems so confident that I'm horrible. How can you not doubt yourself when the other person seem so sure of himself? I'm scared I'll be stuck in similar situations again, so I think I need to work on elevating my self-esteem. I have friends who believe they only deserve the best. What is their secret to such confidence?
I'm surprised to hear so many similar experiences from you guys. He also was never supportive of my academic career. The funny thing is he never had time for me when he was finishing up his PHD, so I thought of all people he should understand. Wouldn't it be a good thing that a women is making good money to help support the family too? He is the PHD, it's not like people would think I'm smarter than him. why would anyone be insecure and jealous over that? He always told me he is extremely secure of himself. I guess not.
Thanks for the tip, I'll try the "writing 5 good things" method. Glad to hear you girls have found people that make you feel worth-while again.
Thanks for letting me vent. :)