lucky number 7...
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lucky number 7...
| Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:02pm |
Hello... Well, I'm seeking some real advice about what I should do with myself right now. My boyfriend broke up with me about three weeks ago... He is two years younger than me and we have been off and on for the past two years while he was finishing his bachelor's and I was finishing my master's. Anyway, though he broke up with me many, many times, we always kind of understood that in the end we'd be together. He's never done anything on purpose to hurt me but when we break up, it's usually because he needs to 'live his life'. So finally, we are both finished with school and he moved close to me to work, etc. It was - as he put it - the light at the end of the tunnel. He was here full-time for about one week and decided he didn't want the commitment or whatever and broke up with me again(this is the SEVENTH time). I know I need to move on, I even WANT to move on even though I miss him tons and wish things were different. I am trying to accept that they are not and that keeping in contact with him is asking to keep repeating this ridiculous cycle. The difficult part however, is that he always comes back. I could call him incessantly, or not. I could e-mail him, show up places where he is, send him cards and pictures, or not... it doesn't really matter what I do, he always (usually after about 2 months) ends up missing me so much and coming back to me. In the past, I've had faith that we could work through our problems but now I am kind of just fed up and don't really want to return to this broken relationship. I really don't want to embarrass myself with an eighth break-up. I swear, in all other aspects of my life, I am a strong, independent woman. It's so frustrating. However, knowing that no matter what strategy I use (moving on with my life, or waiting for him, or whatever) he always comes back... and it takes very little effort on his part to get me back because our good times are so, so good. I was wondering what kinds of things I should do and think to prepare myself for that and be able to stand up to him and say no when he does call.

Sorry to hear about the heartbreaking cycle. If you truly want the relationship to be over, you should tell him firmly and politely that you do not with to try again and you would appreciate it if he stopped contacting you. If he respects you, he will stop. If he continues to contact you, you will have to ignore them all. After that conversation, do not respond to anything because that will only encourage his behavior and make him think he can break you down again.
Everytime you go back to him, you are feeding his ego and belief that he can have you whenever he feels like it. You are not at his beck and call.
Best of luck!
I was in a relationship for 6 years, on and off, where we broke up
almost every year, recently for the last three months, every month.
After each breakup we took some time to separate, but agreed
to be friends, then we would start contact again
and get together to be more than friends. Again. I ended the friendship
and the relationship a month ago. No contact, no promise of friendship,
cold turkey, no followup. It was the hardest decision for me to make.
What helped me in the end was to only think about myself.
What do I want from life? Do I want on/off or a stable relationship?
Stable ones exist, too, it's a choice. Why am I allowing this person to not
treat me right by first hurting me by breaking up,
then disrespecting me by wanting to come back?
Why are my feelings not taken into account?
(I would want more stability, no breakups)
You are the one, who allows him to come back every time. He has no need
to ever change, because you will allow him back again. If you want change,
start with yourself. If he comes back, is he now different than he was 2 months ago?
Will he not breakup again after some time?
Hello,
I am in a very similar situation. I too have been in an on again off again relationship for 6 years. We actually broke up this evening. This time I came back being told and believing that he had changed. But, I never asked for concrete proof. He said he was in counselling, but he never was. Its so hard because you get caught up in the emotions of it all. I started counselling last week in hopes to regain some confidence and try to understand what is going on. That last posting is right- we have taught them to treat us in this manner. This doesn't excuse them but it does shine light on something we can control. That is our own abilities to make life decisions and be able to control our happiness. I think for me I am holding on to the good memories and ignoring the past. Perhaps, becuase I fear being alone or just want to be loved. Not so sure, hopefully counselling will help. Have you thought of that? Maybe an outsider's perspective could help. Good luck and take care. AM
..."He keeps coming back...."