Made 30 Days NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Made 30 Days NC
7
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 10:42am

Just feel like I have to post this to inspire anyone else struggling.......I made it to 30 days and you can too. I am really proud of myself for doing it - at least I can say I retained my dignity outwardly no matter how bad I am feeling inside.

For me, the easy part was literally not making any contact -- I just set it in my head that that was the ONE THING I would not do for 30 days. He left me a message about a week in, and I just ignored it. He hasn't tried again so far.

Now that I am here, I think it is for the best that I move onto 60 days. Not because I don't want to contact him (believe me I do!!!) but because nothing good can come of it when I am still in sooooo much pain; like I'd rather assume that he has a new g/f than have him tell me about it. Plus, now that I am past the shock/denial stage and am realizing that this is indeed my life (aka without him) I have to find a way how to live it and breaking NC would go against that.

If anyone has any advice on how to keep going, please share it! And thanks everyone for listening - this board is so helpful to me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 11:47am
Hey congrats on your 30 Day NC. I am trying to work towards the 60 day NC too. My only problem is... He WONT leave me alone. I've told him three times that I needed some time and that I would talk to him in the future... when Im ready. He has completely violated these wishes by calling and IMing me for the past three days. Does anyone have any suggestions? More than anything, I want to move on and he is making it very hard for me to do that completely. I've gotten to the point where I've privatized my myspace profile so he cant look at it and I've taken him off AIM. Still hasnt stopped him. He doesn't understand that I can't be friends right away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:00pm

CONGRATS!!!

Thanks for posting this success, I love reading this kind of post. I'm on 22 days, so I'm gonna post my own 30-day success next week...

Even though I have my moments when I'm really thinking about him and miss certain things about being with him, all in all I think I mostly feel ok...better in some ways, still in a lot of pain in other ways.

Keep posting about how you're doing. I know you'll make 60 days!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 12:53am
Congratulations! My breakup was 3 weeks ago, but i've been doing no contact for just 7 days. I know what it's like to want to contact him, but I just think about how hurt i'll be if he doesn't answer, respond, or says things I don't want to hear. I would really like to be friends with my ex someday, but I know I need to wait until i'm really ready, otherwise it will only hurt much more than it will help. If you just think about how badly contact could go, it might help you to not do it! Best of luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 5:15am

Hi There,

It's hard and good for you for staying strong. I do have some comments and some personal experiences but no specific advice on how to keep going.

I do know that since March 11th, that was the last time I emailed my ex gf. The last time we actually spoke was Feb 21st when she casually told me she was "seriously dating" someone who "wants the same things". Broke my heart. My past posts tell the story.

But since that time, I've run into three times and left immediately upon seeing her at our dance club socials. I've seen her at the gym and walked right past her.

She did write to say "You don't have to avoid me..."

Steven Carter in his book He's Scared She's Scared says it's important to commit to a set of feelings and stick to them. Don't get angry when they're being hurtful, then turn understanding when they turn regretful. They hurt you regardless of the label you put on their behaviour or character. You have every right to be angry, hurt, confused, so don't succumb. It's a sign he says of our own conflicts that we can understand theirs. It's not good for us and not good for the relationship to cave in like that.

Now with time, I'm starting to see our relationship in its perspective. Some things now drift into my head that I ignored at the time---like the time we went to a party and she gave her card and email to the manager of the club who was clearly hitting on her. She did that in front of me because "he could be a friend...." Uh yeah. Clearly this manipulative behaviour only caused me to withdraw more and not want to fully commit even more. I had doubts after that. Could I trust someone who would do this?

So things like that STOP me from actually reaching out.

Another thing I've done is written angry replies to her emails...and sent them to myself. Then I've read them when I've calmed down and felt better and grateful I DIDN"T send them. I think..if I was a conflicted individual who received a note like that I would 1) roll my eyes at how immature my partner was being 2) be relieved I"m not with someone so angry. In other words, they leave for their own conflicted reasons and justify their exit. Any CONTACT only serves to fuel their egos but little else.

The goal is to reach that inner peace by seeing the person for who they are, not who we wish they were, or for who we want them to be.

Also, commit to accepting that it's over. I tell people it's over. I now meet new people and go to parties and circulate. I have a few casual dates lined up for coffees with women I've met while out. I think it's important to circulate. I'm not ready to get into a "serious relationship" right now and would make that clear if it comes up. But it helps me to know I'm still attractive and desirable even though my ex gf jumped into another relationship so quickly without resolving any outstanding issues.

I look also at what I've learned. I see my ex gf as lacking in self-esteem and character. For someone to jump into another "serious relationship" and then tell me "please don't tell anyone" is lame. It's hurtful. It's insulting. I learned that you should never take someone for granted in a relationship.

Love is for those who value INTEGRITY. You can be with someone or not be with them, but don't toy with their emotions or patronize them. They have feelings. Don't downplay their sadness to justify your choices. That's been hardest for me. To see that despite the gushing praises she heaped on me, she could move on so quickly and say "I honestly didn't think you'd be so upset."

Be real and be self-protective. Good luck on the next 30 and the next 30... Please let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:22am

Congrats on the 30 days...that is great. I made it 45 days (from Jan 1 - Feb 14)...then he put a box of Valentine's Day candy on my porch and I started contact (mostly just to thank him, but then we got back together and it was a mess).

Since then, we've broken up - AGAIN and FOR GOOD THIS TIME - and the last time I spoke to him was Friday. I usually make it 5-6 days and then come up with some lame ass excuse to call him. And I can't figure out what prompts me to do this - especially when EVERY TIME I am on the phone w/ him, I am miserable and upset and crying...

I'm working very hard on KEEPING the 60-day-Hetox (no contact) rule this time. I'm on Day 4 and I'm hanging in there. It's hard - mostly because I miss him alot...but, I think I'm gonna be alright. I'm making a lot of changes in my life so that I DON'T have to focus on him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 12:28pm

hi!

Hang in there. Please stay strong. I've broken contact in the past with others...and it's always been a disaster.....

The women have been looking for some way to justify their exit. In my case I got a gushing not talking about how wonderful we were together, how we had such great chemistry and now we had a great friendship...this was AFTER she told me she was "seriously dating" someone.

Ummmmmm.....what??? If we're so wonderful together...then...ummmmmm why aren't we still together?

Oh, that's when the nastiness came out...a relationship with me is "hopeless" etc etc....I did't know her age because she hadn't told me---implying she was too "old" for me...all sorts of crap like that.

No...don't break NO CONTACT. Read Steven Carter's book He's Scared She's Scared. There's a section at the end for recovey for passive and active partners.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:11pm
YOU GO GIRL!!!