made 40 days nc..but still sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
made 40 days nc..but still sad
7
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 10:47am

I havent posted in a while...even though its been almost 4 months since my break up, I feel like Im going backwards all of a sudden!

I was doing OK/had stopped tearing up constantly/hanging out with new friends and trying to enjoy life. Yesterday I even achieved 40 days of NC (mind you, my first try failed after 32 days when my ex called me and I picked up). But NC isnt the *real* problem for me, its that I still love and miss him so much and wonder how he could just cut me out of his life after 2 years! I don't kid myself that he has likely been with other women by now and maybe even has a new girlfriend......but me? Although I have been out on a handful of dates, no one compares and it just makes me miss what we had.

Has anyone else ever had a long term relationship where the person just walked away and you never heard from them again? How do you deal with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 11:11am

My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. The relationship had some flaws, but to me they were all petty things and not a big deal.
All of a sudden, a week before our planned camping vacation to Colorado... he breaks up with me.
I didn't see it coming.

we haven't talked in about a month. I haven't made it as long as you... but I still feel like I will never be over it.

I think why it ended was because neither of us were exploring our own lives, and being ourselves. And I am trying to accept that. I have been writing in a journal each day about how I accept it, even if I don't.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed or sad I just read something I wrote or write something new and I end up feeling better until the next time I break down.

I don't know what will happen come a few months.... But all we can do is live our lives the best we can.
you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 11:32am

Hugs to you. I know exactly how you feel. It's been 5 weeks now for me under similar circumstances. Two years together, incredibly happy and in love, but he was unsure of our future together and of me. It was an unexpected, hard break and we have not been in touch since I went to pick up my things from his house two days after we broke up.

The NC is so completely excrucitiating. I do not know how he could just cut me out so quickly and seemingly so easily, as you feel about your ex, too. It makes you feel disposable and low, I bet? And that he just threw two years away so easily and hasn't looked back. I guess, with NC, you just don't know. You don't know what they are thinking or feeling, and you tend to think the worst.

Everyone says to stay busy, put yourself first. It's easy to comprehend the words but hard to carry them out. Hang in there and know you're not alone in how you feel. If nothing else brings you comfort, know that others are going through this too and can post their feelings and advice here that may help in some way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 11:47am

7 weeks and 1 hour, since he packed a few things and left, no note or anything, after 3 1/2 years.
Thought i was doing good, been taking advice off the board, getting out with friends some, visiting family trying to work on myself I have good days and bad days, past three have been really hard for some reason, I have fought with myself about sending him a letter or email, apologizing for my part, and wishing him well. Don't know why i feel that way, he is the one that left. I don't want bad feeling between us... is that so wrong?
I haven't even cleaned out his side of the closet yet... i just don't open that side :(. We just have to have faith that it will get better and that we will have little episodes, I keep telling myself that it is natural after sharing your life with someone. Just keep visiting the boards, they have helped me alot. Hope it gets better for all of us soon.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 6:55pm

I can completely relate with both of you. I am only going on day 8 of NC and completely broke down yesterday and emailed him. I was staying so strong, and this weekend was so hard for me....but then I thought to myself, we've been together 3 years. 3 years! I don't have time or patience to play these waiting games! He at least owes me another conversation to tell me where his head is at now, after a week of complete silence. Especially since I was showing him respect by respecting his needs and wishes and agreeing to no communication for a week. We basically left it at, he needed some time to sit with his thoughts, but he definitely wanted to have another face-face coversation soon. He didn't tell me when, he just said he needed to not have me around to understand the whole "you don't know what you have until it's gone". Which for me, is complete BS. I refuse to wait around for him to "come to his senses". I gave him his week of silence, and in my opinion, that should be completely enough time to figure your thoughts out and know what you feel for the other person.
Like you, we had a really strong, healthy and happy relationship. We have the same circle of friends, and we have so much fun together - we genuinely enjoy spending time together. So many good memories, and SO many positives going for us. We just got back from Italy a month ago...had the most amazing time.
No major problems in our relationship (we don't fight, no one cheated, no one lied) - the only "issue" is, we just haven't been the same lately, or at least not as good as we used to be. It's like we take each other for granted and that spark we once felt seems like it's gone. Nothing either of us can pinpoint, but we both knew we just weren't feeling the same with each other. In my mind, that's a hump that any couple can overcome - it takes work to keep a relationship fresh and exciting -- but only if both people truly want to try to make it work. I know he loves me, and that's why this is so hard to deal with. I think he's dealing with a lot of issues internally - is unsure, doesn't know if "I'm the one", and feels like he should know after 3 years. But when it all comes down to it, I just want us to be together if we are both truly in love with each other. And that's what I don't think he knows how to answer to right now.

We're meeting for dinner at a place that's a semi-private atmosphere tomorrow night so we can talk. I have no idea what to expect. From his emails and lack of "enthusiasm" for lack of a better word when we talked on the phone today, I can only prepare myself for the worst. I know I'm probably reading too much into things, but how can I not? He didn't call me or email me. He continued to sit with the silence even though we both knew another face to face conversation was in our near future. I know I have to wait it out, stay positive and give him a chance to talk - I could be surprised. But I also have to protect myself knowing that he might not want this anymore - which is a harsh and hurtful reality to face.

This is so hard, I know. We just need to stay strong, and realize that we can't convince someone to be with us. They have to come to that realization on their own - and that is the hardest about it. Keep me posted on your situations and I'll do the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:17am

Wow - after reading everyones posts, I can see Im not the only person who spent years with someone only to be up and left like it was nothing.......

On the one hand, I feel like our exs just HAVE to contact us at some point - out of just human nature. Also I think the whole mars/venus principles say that it may even take up to a year before some men come "out of the cave" and make contact. But on the other, my ex has such an avoidant personality whenever there are problems in his life he just ignores them and doesnt think about them - which makes me think he will just push me/us/our 2 years together under the rug permanently.......Im rambling here....guess i just wish I knew what was going to happen. Yes, everyone keep me posted on your situations and I will do the same!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:17am
Hello there i cant tell you how to deal but i can tell you i am in the same boat and i have not seen him now for 8 weeks and it is killing me i just want to go back but i cant he does not love or want me....I know how you feel i would love to chat to you one one maybe we can help each other with talking...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 12:11pm

HI,

I JUST READ UR HEARTWRENCHING STORY AND I COULD OF WRITTEN IT MYSELF. MY BOYFRIEND OF 2 YEARS JUST UP AND DESERTED ME TOO. I'VE TRIED TO CALL HIM ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS TO NO AVAIL. HE JUST SAYS NOTHING IS WRONG. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THAT WAS EXPERIENCING THIS,BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG. THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE U IS THIS: U DID NOTHING WRONG,SO TRY NOT TO BLAME URSELF FOR HIS UNSETTLING SILENCE. THE BEST U CAN DO AT THIS TIME IS TO TRY AND LET GO OF NEEDING TO KNOW WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN U TWO. FOCUSING ON THE FINISH LINE IS WHAT KEEPS SO MANY OF US FROM ENJOYING THE PROCESS OF LIFE. YOU CAN'T CONTROL WHAT HE DOES OR DOESN'T DO. LETTING HIS ACTIONS DETERMINE UR EMOTIONS IS TURNING YOU INTO A BYSTANDER IN UR OWN LIFE. SO LET GO AND LEAVE THE FUTURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP UP TO THE FATES.TAKE BACK YOUR ENERGY,TRUST IN YOURSELF AND GET READY FOR THE NEXT ADVENTURE IN YOUR LIFE,WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE HIM.

PEACE & LOVE

BAMAZIBRO