MAJOR setback

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
MAJOR setback
7
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 7:23am

Hi everyone,

Well I had the worst setback of all setbacks. Here is a summary/reminder of my situation: monogomous LD May / Dec. relationship. I am his real first girlfriend. We had great love and some not so great stuff. Things were fine but two weeks before I was to reunite from a 4 week separation, he called and said things were not good, he was young and wanted sex. I said after 3.5 years it was time for us to part. We were both sad but we ended it so we could go our own ways.

Over the weekend I had a sick feeling and called Sunday asking if he had been with someone. He stated he had and went dancing and was kissing some woman. I was sick and upset and realized I needed to start to apply the NC rule. He was not happy as he wanted us to be together still but when we had our separations he wanted to have sex with women if the op arose. I told him I could NOT do that.

NC all week. Friday, a week after we split we talked again, I initiated it at 4 AM after another sleepless night. He told me he missed me and wanted to see me the 1st and was flying to meet me. I told him we should talk. Inside I felt I would end it but KNEW we would be together again one more time.

Once during the week he called and said he wanted me so bad and he missed his best friend and alluded to having a child together. I told him we would add that to our discussion the 1st. Inside I knew I could NOT due to age ect..

Last night a week before seeing him I called and long story short he revealed he had slept with the new woman twice but she meant nothing to him. I flipped, I mean flipped. We talked 4 hours about it. He reminded me we had split and he was free to do what he wished. He also said he was going to tell me this weekend as we had always been honest. Everyone, I was hysterical. Hyperventilating and all. I got wiggy and asked details. Some he furnished, others he would not. I finally calmed and told him I would never be with him again and to never call or try to see me.

After I got on the ground and wrote and prayed. I slept 2 hours. I am sick.

Please be patient and read this and send as MUCH feedback as you can. My ex is a sweet man, half my age. He is from a culture that allows mistresses and whilst he never cheated with me, he felt he could have me as his main love but have discreet safe sex with other woman. He said 3.5 years was a long time to be faithful and he could not anymore. For me, I cannot share my man with ANYONE. Funny thing it is sort of good about this woman. NOW it really is over. WHY DID IT TAKE this to make it final.

I am so sad so forlorn and in such dispaire. I will sit back and read your supportive words and pray.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: anahidrose
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 2:57pm

I'm sorry that it took hearing that to make you realize it was over, but perhaps you had to go through that to get to the point of really BELIEVING it was over.

So what steps are you taking to prevent him from contacting you, and to prevent yourself from contacting him?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
In reply to: anahidrose
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:19pm

Hi anahidrose,


I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: anahidrose
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:25pm

Thanks Sheri,

Your email helps so much. I love this board for clarity and truth...it's hard but I really need some tough love now. Enough's enough.

Well, we had our last talk today (he called) where he apologized for hurting me. He was FREE to be with her but still, it was so fast and well, it hurts to know that level of intimacy occurred with a man I have been with for 3.5 years. I was a mess but told him to refrain from calling or emailing. He agreed. I know he will honor this.

Oh, his last words were he was severing ties with this woman? Who the heck knows why..we are DONE.

I am trying NOT to ruminate. I am trying not to obssess. In the midst of this I question WHY am I obssessing on HER and wanting to know details of their two encounters and what she looks like ect??? Is that sick or what?

He will be in town for a week in 14 days so I will be scarce. I already told him NOT to come over. I doubt he will...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: anahidrose
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:36pm

I would still do what you can to block him from emailing and calling you. That's as much to help YOU as to prevent him...that way you won't be constantly checking your email and phone, hoping he's contacted you to say he's changed his mind.

Ok...so that's no contact from his side. What about your side? What are you doing to prevent yourself from having another moment of weakness?

As far as the ruminating...have you read the post on thought-stopping in this folder?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: anahidrose
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:46pm

Well Sheri, I am praying hard to God for strenght and doing lots of work with a workbook by Louise Hayes. Also reading a few other books. My pride will NOT let me call him and my pride and dignity are pretty strong right now since I was so quickly replaced.

Mind you all, I am NOT in victim mode. He had every right to do what he did. I have some old stuff from my childhood lurking..inner child crap. Abandonment / rejection themes hence my meltdown. And Sheri, it was a SEVERE meltdown. What a terrible feeling to lose control that way and feel such despair. I wish it on NO ONE. Yet many here feel it.

So, what can I do aside from trying not to call. Any tips?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: anahidrose
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:59pm

I may have already posted this to you (last week maybe?) but my best suggestion is to make a pact with someone you will not break your word to...a close friend or family member, for example. Tell them you will not call your ex for, say, 3 days, NO MATTER WHAT (the amount of days depends on what you feel you can commit to. Sometimes I have to do it a day at a time!). Shake on it or do whatever you need to do to make it your word that you will not break. Then, at the end of the time period, renew your commitment for another X days.

As Yoda would say, don't try, do ;-)!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: anahidrose
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 6:43pm
I tried the index card thing. Not working. I have two friends who are privvy to this and I have promised them no contact. Thanks Sheri. You are a wise Goddess.