Major slip..HELP!
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| Tue, 11-28-2006 - 4:06pm |
Somebody, anybody please help me! I just had a major slip up, and so not only am i hurting so badly and just wanting crawl into a hole and never come out. It's been 8 days since the break up and i thought i was doing better, taking forward strides in healing, and in an instant i feel like it's all been washed away. I don't know what to do or how to feel, what's the "proper"/"healthy" way to feel? i don't know, what i do know is i hate this pain, and i hate crying, i don't want to cry anymore.
We haven't called eachother at all, and it's been hard for me not to call and i ache at times wondering why he doesn't call me. Any how, i have sent a few emails (3, first one right after the break up..not really nasty, but not very pleasant..2nd, just pure sadness..pouring out my heart how i'm struggling everyday without him and i miss him so much, and apologizing for the "not so nice" tone of the last email. and 3rd was yesterday, apologizing for ever judging why he behaved or not behaved during our relationship and now break up..and explained how that's where all my anger and frustration came from. I told him that i will never regret having him apart of my life etc..i guess i felt like it was "releasing", i don't know, i felt good at the time) I guess i was trying the "i'm not angry, positve" approach, since the "anger" approach wasn't working. Anyways, no replies to any of them. i tried to still stay positive and not take offense to it..tried the "understanding" approach. But all day today, i just seemed to be hurting more than the past 3 days where i felt i was finally taking steps in healing. Well, i singed onto msn just to see if he was online, because i never really go on(i know bad idea). Well he was on, and my heart just ached..seeing his picture, knowing that he's probably chatting to other women. Here's the big set back..i tried to talk to him(oh actually, i tried talking to him on msn on fri, and he completely ignored me) this time, i asked "did you get my emails", and he just replied, "Si" and that was it..as if he doesn't have a care in the world, like i never existed. I said "oh you're talking to me", no response!
I feel like i'm dying. I don't know what to do! I'm angry again, and i don't want to be because i don't think i'm suppose to in order to heal, but i am! he's angry at me? if anyone should be angry it's me!!!!!!!!!!! he hurt me, not the other way around. I don't konw what to do. I don't even know how i'm supposed to feel. Help me anyone?
How can my bestfriend who told me not too long ago that he couldn't imagine life without me, just suddenly ignore me and treat me as if i never existed. We were friends for 6 years! how do i move on without him. I'm angry that he's so Ok with this. Why is this easy for him and not me, it just doesn't seem fair, and i wish i could just ask God "why?" why does he get to move on and i don't? it's not fair.

Me 31, DH27, married may2008 went off b/c at that time, no af, PCOS since 17. MTHFR factor. HSG clear, 1st round of clomid 100mg, 1000 mg Metforim late July 09, Waiting to see if O'd.
Start writing him UNSENT letters. Vent on paper. Do not send any more emails. The emails you sent already were kind of purging, you dumping on paper, like a journal entry, but you hoped for a response from him. He can't emotionally support you through this time. You have to find the strength within you.
If he was nice to you or responded, it would give you false hope of either getting back together, or give you an emotional lift to get through the day but bring up a 100 questions. Why was he nice, why did he say that, what did he mean.
Letting go is not easy. It takes time to heal. You can do this. Start again.
Carrie
Sorry to hear you are going through this but trust me when I say it will get better.
You need to initiate no contact. You don't have to tell him because he's not responding to you anyway. Take him off your MSN list so you can't see when he's on.
We've all been in your shoes at one time or another.
I'm going to share something with you to hopefully make you feel a little bit better.
My break-up was 7 months ago. We had been a couple for 4.5 years and had been friends for 1.5 years before we were a couple. So we've known eachother 6 years. He initiated the break-up because he wanted to be alone for awhile, figure his life out, he told me he still loved me, but that this was something he had to do, see we're very young. I'm 21, he's 22. At first I was devastated, and I called him at least once a week, and every single time I called him I would always end up crying to him asking for him back. BIG MISTAKE. I finally initiated no contact and I didn't talk to him for a month, during this time I realized that this break-up was for the best, and I started to work on myself and things that I needed to change in myself. I focused on my life and enjoyed being a more independent, confident woman. When I felt the time was right I contacted him again. When I contacted him again he picked up the phone immediately and we talked like old friends. He told me he was glad I had called him because he hadn't contacted me because he felt like I hated him. I told him that wasn't the case.
We then started talking about once every two weeks only over the phone. This went on for about 2 months.
Then one weekend in July my family and I went to Branson for a trip. And before this trip I had decided that I wanted to move on and not talk to him ever again. Well the day I got back from my trip, my phone rang (with his special ringtone), I debated on whether or not to answer it, I finally did answer it. He said he had been trying to come by my office to see me all week (this was Wednesday.) I said okay, I then decided to take a risk and realize that for some reason he was calling me and finally wanting to see me now. I told him that I would be there all day that day and he could come by then. He said great that he would see me when he got off work.
I will admit that I kinda got my hopes up thinking that he wanted to get back together, but I didn't let that affect me. When he got to my office I was upfront and asked him if he came by for any specific reason. He said no, that he just felt like the time was right for us to finally see eachother. We had a great time and ended up talking for 3 hours. Before he left we agreed that we would start hanging out, be friends (even though we both admitted to still having feelings), and see where it takes us (as neither one of us was ready for a relationship again yet.)
That was 4 months ago. During these four months we've seen eachother at least once every 2 weeks, although most time it's once a week. I've moved into my own apt. (I was living with my parents), and he helped me move. We always have a great time together, and we've gotten closer than I think we've ever been, even though we're not together right now. We respect eachother and how the other feels, and it's been good. He's getting ready to leave for work for at least 2 months, which saddens me, but I know we'll get through it. And someday maybe we'll get back together, no one really knows the answer to that, we take it one day at a time.
Now, I know not all situations end up like this, but I told you that story to hopefully give you some faith, and to know that initiating no contact can be good for your healing. And to show you that if it's all meant to work out it will.
Work on yourself and your healing. You'll make it through this, I PROMISE. :)
HUGS and CHIN UP!
~Amber
P.S. I'm here to help or answer any questions you may have.
Wow. I agree with you all. I, too, have found these boards theraputic and, like many, I am going through a similar situation.
It's been two months of on-and-off. The first couple of weeks were hard since we did not speak at all. It was crazy trying to mentally process what had happened. I had to get through the anger, hurt and sadness with a great group of supporting girlfriends (and stop myself from calling him and sending e-mails --- even though he is "online").
Friends kept telling me he would call (guys always do, they said). I didn't believe them, you only see that in the movies...and I had to assume the worse to start the healing process. And I did heal.
Well, an unexpected surprise, he started calling again and we have seen each other a few times. We don't see each that much, once every couple of weeks. But I am mentally and emotionally in a better place now, so the dynamics of our relationship are different. I can see his "game".
I think, sometimes, it's the chase. Once guys realize that you're not coming back, they know what they are missing and the "chase" begins again. I know it's hard not to communicate (don't press the "send" button), but if you keep telling him your emotions, he may feel "pressured", keep running, and, in a sense, he has the upper hand.
What I have learned:
*TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. You will heal, in time.
*Like someone else mentioned, write letters to him and do not send. This helped me find my own closure.
*If you DO speak to him again, try not to set any expectations. If you have no expectations, anything coming from him will be an unexpected (and perhaps nice) surprise.
*Keep busy. The more busy you are, the less time you have to think about him.
*Do NOT let him win. If he knows you've moved on, he may be jealous and it's his lose.
Not sure if this helps. Just my two cents.