Make or Break
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| Wed, 08-25-2004 - 4:48pm |
well that was 3 months ago and he still won`t do anything, he doesn`t like me trying to get intimate with him, and just acts like a mate or lodger as though nothings wrong it`s so frustrating I`m at a loss,I`ve said that at the end of the month he must move out unless he decides to sort something out, I haven`t seen him for a few days he just goes out drinking with his mates on his days off, I don`t mind but a show down will come soon, I don`t want him to go as I love him so much but this situation is killing me,
He says if he goes he wants to remain `friends` but I don`t think that would be a good idea, which is so sad as we were the best of mates for ages before we had a relationship. Am I doing the right thing, I`d never force anyone to make a drastic decision like this without trying every option.

Lots of people give lip service to remaining friends, some because they don't want to be seen as the bad guy in the break up, if you agree to be 'friends' with him, then he can't be all that bad, can he? That's how he might look at it.
You feel more for him then he feels for you, (that's what I get from reading your post anyway) so for you it will be extremely painful to remain friends, because you really want more than that. I think it's good that you are setting boundaries and taking the steps to move forward with your life. Love is not enough if both parties aren't in agreement on where the relationship is headed, what the issues are and how to deal with disagreements and what to do if one person is not getting their needs met.
An article for you to consider:
Can We Just Be Good Friends?
by Ian McNeice
"Can we just be good friends?" How many times have you heard someone say that whilst telling you it is all over? There is an easy answer people - No you can't. Not in a million years so don't waste your breath.
How many of us have heard that hopeful little phrase "can we be friends" from a soon-to-be-ex partner mumbling and stuttering before heading out of the door with their suitcase at 1000 miles per hour. And how many have replied "no"! Very few I reckon. How many more have agreed to this new instant friendship? Yes its true, the departing party thinks that it gets them off the emotional hook to suggest that you can be friends moments after damning your relationship to eternity whilst telling the bare face lie that so many of us have found to be untrue. Can we be friends? Of course you can't. So wise up instantly.
What are you going to do , are you both going to do all the things your best friends do, are you going to party together, laugh and cry together, pick op the phone at 3am because you need to chat? No you aren't and the person who just suggested the idea already knows it.
Its one of the brutal truths of dating but at least 60% of all people who leave their lover have said it and the rest of us have had to find some kind of reply. Inevitably it is "yes". We say yes because we want to keep knowing the person who is leaving, we don't want the happier times to end and we certainly do not want to stop seeing the person who has just told u we are finished. But the reason I write about this subject here is because the person saying it in 99% of cases does not mean it, never did mean it and has no intention of honoring the concept. You don't want to accept it perhaps or you are nodding in agreement that I am right, but I stand by it. Anyone who offers friendship as a mediocre present whilst retracting love deserves no respect.
I am afraid that our friends are the people we have known from school and college, those we have worked with, those we have met along the way and stayed in touch with. The person breaking your heart isn't your friend, that is the person who is busy telling you all the reasons why it won't work between you, the reasons why its over and the reasons why they are leaving. The crux of the statement is linked to the person who is saying it , rather than the person it is being said to. The person who says it is the person leaving. They are also the person who feels guilt. And it is this guilt that is responsible for the utter garbage dialogue we must endure. At least for a short time.
Now I know all this sounds harsh and you know that the person you are splitting up with could really be your best friend and it does happen believe me. But and its a big but, its so rare its almost impossible. The fact is you now have an almost unbearable legacy, your ex-relationship and this will act as a wedge. The water from your salty tears will lubricate this wedge and drive it between you as you slip further and further away. I wish I could say that when an ex asks if you can both be friends that it would work. But it won't.
The way we all deal with the traumas in our lives is through time and time alone. Though the comfort of true friends and loved ones helps too. But we must all settle the past before we can move forward and to do this, the best thing we can all do when someone we love leaves us is simple. We put them behind us - and that takes time too. The thing that always strikes me about someone who asks if "we can be friends?" is the sheer audacity of the statement. It is an unnerving ability to tell a lie at the moment when honesty is most called for, it is an attempt to console when doing harm, it is the domain of the person who wishes to deceive. Wow, I am sounding gloomy here.
I came back and added this section after I re-read this article. It is worth pointing out that one of the reasons why we must say no to the request for friendship is because it is being asked for all the wrong reasons. Often the person leaving is scared and unsure of what they are doing. They don't really want to burn their bridges, well they are not sure they want to. They therefore try and keep a lifeline by asking if friendship is a possibility - in doing so they are retaining a very small path back. Of course the point is that very few people who leave us can actually sustain a friendship afterwards even if we can. Friendships take contact and contact is the most painful aspect of leaving someone. Therefore the reality is that distant friendship may be a possibility but near future friendship is not going to happen.
Okay, the thing is, I have heard that question too many times and never once did it stand to be true, never. People who have left have offered friendship whilst taking everything with them. The fact is, by not agreeing to such a mediocre offering, we retain our dignity, our calm, our composure and our peace of mind. We do not want reminding of someone who left us every day, so why begin down that road - why try and be friends? Instead, hold your head up high and show the person the door, after all, your true friend is the person you will one day choose to spend your life with, not the person just leaving.
http://www.topdatingtips.com/just-good-friends.htm
Carrie
Hi
I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through such a difficult time. Deciding whether to break-up or not is never an easy task. It sounds like you two have been kinda "stuck" in this relationship for so long, and no one is happy. However, the options of moving forward are painful, and definitely heartbreaking.
The only thing I can offer is that it takes two people to make a relationship work. If he's unwilling to work on it and try to make things better, the relationship stands no chance of surviving. I know it must be hard to let go, especially considering the fact that you two were once so close, but staying in a miserable relationship is also very emotionally draining. It might be better for you and him (mentally) to break up. But in the end, it is your decision.
As for remaining friends after the relationship is over, the same rule applies here too: it takes two. If you don't feel comfortable remaining friends, then don't. You can read all the relationship advice articles on this topic all you want, but in the end, it's an individual decision, and everyone is different. I know lots of people who have broken up and remained good friends. At the same time, I know an equal number of people who have broken up and hated each other with a passion. So it's up to you. There is, of course, that other option of breaking up and becoming friends gradually through time. If you two were really great friends before the relationship began, who knows what could happen in the future? Perhaps one day you'll be able to put all this hurt behind you and be friends with him again?
But no matter what, do what's right for you in the present.
Good luck to you.
Warmsox