marriage counseling? Really just venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
marriage counseling? Really just venting
3
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:58pm

My husband of 9 years left me on the 21st of Jan., came back on 23rd, and left again on the 31st. It's been 6 days since he left. We've had some sort of contact almost each day. We've sent emails, text messages,he's been over here to get his things, and had one phone call (I think). I think there has only been one day with no contact. Today he got the last of his things out; I even helped take them to the truck. He asked me if that was it, and I said yeah, I guess. Then I came back inside.

I don't know what he really wants to do. He says that this will be better for the both of us in the long run. He never has said that he wants to separate for a while, or a trial separation. He just says he doesn't love me anymore, and wants to separate. I've asked him if he wants a divorce, and he turns it around and asks if that is what I want. When I tell him no, he says fine, I'll file then. But I feel he said that in anger because of me asking those endless questions that he doesn't want to answer.

He hasn't said that he wants to give it a while. He just left because he's not happy. He's gone back to finish school (finally) and wants to concentrate on that. I didn't realize I was somehow stopping him. I've asked if he plans to see other people (since he suddenly claims he's single on his myspace site), and he says not right away but eventually. So of course, me getting angry with him finally, I respond with "Oh, wait. You've already tried to start a relationship with someone else, and she turned you down." He was pissed, but that was my point.
Last wed. I found emails from him to this girl that he plays Everquest with (online game) from Jan. 19th, where he tells her how much he likes her, and all this BS. She didn't respond the same way. The night he left, I ended up emailing back and forth with her for 4 hours. It was like talking to a girlfriend I've known forever. It was weird.

anyway, so I've wanted to start counseling for myself. Should I ask him if he would like to go with me? I should probably just leave it alone right? I know that I should, but I want him to come back. I don't want a divorce. One point I think he does (like when he tried to change the power co. account into my name, but they'll only do it if I pay $280 deposit), but then the next minute he's sent me an email for some reason or another (usually to do something nice for me like set up cable modem since he lowered the service). He seems to be setteling in at his parents. He's upgraded their internet so he can play his stupid game, and he's asked them to put him on their gym membership.

What should I do? Do I ask him now for counseling to save our marriage? Do I just leave him alone? I know I should, but it's hard. And to stop myself from sending him another email or text message, I keep searching the internet for the answers to putting my marriage back together. I feel overwhelmed and obsessed! He finally changed his email password so I can't check his email anymore (probably don't want to), and I deleted my myspace site so I can't check up on him or her that way either. I keep checking the bank account though, and everytime he eats out, or goes to the store for something (Target today), I get just a little mad. But, his paycheck is in the bank too, so it's not like I am desperate for money. It just irks me that he seems so ok with his decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:19pm

Hi mberber,


::so I've wanted to start counseling for myself. Should I ask him if he would like to go with me?


My advice, (though I posted a reply on the other board) is go to counseling for you and if at some point he misses you, wants to talk about things, then invite him to one of your sessions.


My best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 4:56pm

In addition to what itwinflame has said, I'll add the whole rubberband theory in here (go with me on this):

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 6:16pm

I know I need to leave him alone. I realize that everything I want to do just pushes him further away. That's why I posted on here. It kept me from doing anything stupid. I'm just really wound up. It hasn't hit me yet that he's gone. Yes, I cried the first day he left, and for the next couple of days. But I haven't really cried since Saturday. My voice has broke, but I haven't let the tears fall. That's how I get. I try to hold everything inside, and then I'll explode and cry for hours. I just hope it doesn't happen at school.

I love your analogy though. It's too bad that most of my 7th graders wouldn't get it though.