marry 1 u love or marry 1 who loves u?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
marry 1 u love or marry 1 who loves u?
21
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 4:13pm

I've posted here before about missing my ex even though I am engaged to a wonderful person. What helped a lot was looking at his recent pics on the internet and noticing that he is turning bald and looks 10 years older than he really is! That really turned me off and now I'm completely over him!!

However, I am still torn whether I should marry my fiance. My biological clock is ticking and this may be my last chance of happiness. I never looked for other guys while dating my ex, but I find myself constantly checking out other guys while I'm with fiance. My ex only had a BS degree and I didn't care because I loved him so much. However, fiance is working towards a MS degree, but I still feel that fiance is not good enough for me, possibly because I don't love him enough? I have a doctoral degree and multiple prestigious fellowships.

Fiance tells me everyday that he loves me. He would do anything for me and has proven it. He cooks for me and helps out with anything I ask him to. I can trust him 100%. He has a stable job and a home for us. Our wedding is in 5 months but I don't feel estatic that I'm marrying the love of my life. He was a rebound guy who loved me and made me happier than I've ever been. He showed me what love was all about, yet I feel like I settled for someone because I was lonely and everyone expected me to get married.

My question is, will my love grow with time? Recently, I've found a network of scholars who are in the same "league" as I am, but I don't know if I should pursue these relationships. I haven't talked to these guys yet because I don't want to cheat, but I keep asking myself, "what if?"

Does educational level really mean anything? Am I being too superficial?

Would you stay with someone who loves you truly and hope that your love would grow? Or would you take the chance to be with someone with a better degree and higher social class, even if that person may not treat you as well?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 4:24pm

Hi firstlove, Please, please don't marry someone you don't love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 5:12pm

I think you're

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:48am

I agree with the advice to not marry someone you do not love. Your fiance may be a great guy, but just not the guy for you. If that is truly the case, you need to let him go and give him the chance to find the woman for him. My ex-husband told me he married me because I was "fun to be with", not because he loved me. Notice I said he is my EX-husband. I am still having a hard time almost a year later forgiving him for not giving me the chance to find a man who wanted to marry me because he loved me on top of all the other reasons he wanted to be with me.

To answer your question, I would never sell myself short and be with a man who didn't treat me well. How can that in any way be construed as love? Regardless of social status or education level, if the man didn't treat me well, then I would not be able to be with him much less love him. Life is too short to be with men who can't treat a woman well.

So you have to decide if you really love your fiance. If not, then let him go. If you do, then you should follow the other advice given to put the spark in your relationship...and realize that education level and social status is only part of what makes a couple work.

Best wishes!

Kim :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 5:28am
No no no no, please please please DONT MARRY HIM, it will make you MISERABLE and UNHAPPY for the duration of the *marriage*!!!!!!!!!!!!! Believe me, im talking out of experience.. There is only ONE reason for marriage - and that is true love combined with true lust combined with being 100% sure that he is the one. And i personally do not believe that such *combination* is possible in real life, so consequently do not believe in marriage AT ALL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 6:50am
Then help me so at least I understand, what advice are you giving her? Not to marry someone she doesn't love, or not to marry at all? Because to advise someone on whom they should marry while not believing in th concept of marriage, is skewed, to put it delicately.

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 7:02am

*puzzled* as to your need of *elaboration*..

I clearly advised her to not even THINK of marrying someone she obviously does NOT love, because this is exactly what i did long long years ago and regret it to this day and, as a side note, stated that i personally do not believe in marriage, thats all. Well maybe i should have added *to each their own* to my post at the end.

I guess i will have to work on improving my English somewhat, haha.

Rocklady.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 8:04am

'...The good news is that you can learn to create the rush of blood situations and create the in-love feelings over the long haul'

Ehm. With all due respect, no way in h*** can she do that.

I totally agree with Rocklady on both of her points. The OP should not even contemplate marrying someone who is a realiable solid solvent adoring 'rebound' bloke she feels nothing for to the point that she checks out other men whilst in his company. I personally wouldn't ever entertain the thought of even dating such a man, let alone marrying him. Point number 2: sadly, I too completely reject the whole concept and idea of marriage, and will never marry again, love or not. That isn't what the discussion is all about - so as Rocklady said, to each their own.

Yes, infatuation goes away. Yes, butterflies are not forever. It all fades and becomes familiar and real and solid (if you're lucky). But it MUST HAVE BEEN THERE in the first place for the relationship to work. I too speak from experience. I was married to a solid solvent attractive adoring highly educated very well earning man who I felt nothing for; I lasted 4 years. It was the worst form of torture imaginable - to be with someone who you have the sort of feelings you'd have for a dear friend, or a brother. He treated me like gold and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, and I tried for the first 2 years out of the 4 to 'learn to create the rush of blood situations and create the in-love feelings'. All my attempts failed, it was simply 100% clear(as it was from the very first time I saw him) that he was not my man, never could be, never would be, and I could no longer live with physical repulsion at his touch. I too was checkig out other men when we went out and dying inside feeling trapped, caged, suffocated, empty. Long story short, I left.

Bottom line, in my humble opinion, is this: I do not give a d*** what the man's education level is. I don't care what he does for a job. I don't care what he drives or where he lives or how much he has in the bank. I will push all those 'very important' factors aside for the simple pure feeling of lust and desire and 'wow is he really mine' when you look at him which eventually with time turn into 'calmer', more familiar versions of all those things but still remain. Needless to say that he would have to be a decent kind person and treat me very well, respect me, allow me to be myself and feel the same for me. Without that chemical connection, reaction, call it whatever you want, between a man and a woman, a r-ship is a farce. Respect and 'he is soooooo good to me' logic only strech that far. So do academic credentials and material goods he could provide for you. My soul was dead when I was with my ex-h. I am not prepared to live with a dead soul for any amount of money diamonds cars houses or boats or letters after someone's name. End of story.

Edited 3/6/2007 8:10 am ET by happychick1004




Edited 3/6/2007 8:13 am ET by happychick1004
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 10:43am

Amen to what you said Sandra--too many people confuse infatuation and lust with love and it results in disaster. It is not about how you feel about them but how they make you feel that should determine the value of a relationship to you.

Ladie, if you have a fiancee like the one she has hang on to him because there aren't many out there like him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 11:14am


So after having read the OP's post you have come to the conclusion that she should 'hang on' to the bloke? In other words, you are advising her to settle for a stable, comfortable, steady, dependable, loving person for whom she feels absolutely nothing - this could not be clearer from the post, and there WOULD be no post of that nature if in addition to all his positive qualities she actually wanted him the way a future wife should want her future husband - and spend the rest of her life lying to herself and others and putting an act for him both spiritually and physically - when intimate with him? This to you is happiness?

'...It is not about how you feel about them but how they make you feel that should determine the value of a relationship to you'

Ehm...how exactly did you work that one out? How do you mean 'it does not matter how you feel about them'? It matters an awful lot to me how I feel about a prospective partner, d*** it!! So, as an example, let's say you absolutely do not fancy a man, cannot bear to touch him, feel no chemistry or woman to man connection with him, do not connect on a person to person level either but he is a decent individual who truly loves you you should just 'take what is on offer' in fear of being alone? Or in fear of not being cared for and looked after and living the life of no financial worries? Would you care to explain? I'm afraid we think completely differently on the subject

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 12:19pm

I remember your 1st post. I remember everyone pretty much responding the same way that they did in this post- saying that

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