marry 1 u love or marry 1 who loves u?
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| Mon, 03-05-2007 - 4:13pm |
I've posted here before about missing my ex even though I am engaged to a wonderful person. What helped a lot was looking at his recent pics on the internet and noticing that he is turning bald and looks 10 years older than he really is! That really turned me off and now I'm completely over him!!
However, I am still torn whether I should marry my fiance. My biological clock is ticking and this may be my last chance of happiness. I never looked for other guys while dating my ex, but I find myself constantly checking out other guys while I'm with fiance. My ex only had a BS degree and I didn't care because I loved him so much. However, fiance is working towards a MS degree, but I still feel that fiance is not good enough for me, possibly because I don't love him enough? I have a doctoral degree and multiple prestigious fellowships.
Fiance tells me everyday that he loves me. He would do anything for me and has proven it. He cooks for me and helps out with anything I ask him to. I can trust him 100%. He has a stable job and a home for us. Our wedding is in 5 months but I don't feel estatic that I'm marrying the love of my life. He was a rebound guy who loved me and made me happier than I've ever been. He showed me what love was all about, yet I feel like I settled for someone because I was lonely and everyone expected me to get married.
My question is, will my love grow with time? Recently, I've found a network of scholars who are in the same "league" as I am, but I don't know if I should pursue these relationships. I haven't talked to these guys yet because I don't want to cheat, but I keep asking myself, "what if?"
Does educational level really mean anything? Am I being too superficial?
Would you stay with someone who loves you truly and hope that your love would grow? Or would you take the chance to be with someone with a better degree and higher social class, even if that person may not treat you as well?

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If I was a teen I'd say: I, sooooooooooo, like, tooooooootally agree that it's just like, WOW, I can't believe you said that, exactly man, WOW, how kewl is that!!!! (sorry for this silliness - I sometimes read the 20s boards). As a 36 y old I'll just say no wiser words have ever been spoken. I only hope the OP listens and does what needs to be done.
'...It is not about how you feel about them but how they make you feel that should determine the value of a relationship to you' Ehm...how exactly did you work that one out?
Happychick, carefully read some of the posts on this board—sadly a very high percentage of the women on this board are here over some cheater, liar, louse ect. Buuuuutt, they love them!!! But these men treat them like s**t, “but I love him."
The point of my statement is you can love a person to death but and be so totally in lust with them as well, but if they are not making you feel like the most amazing person alive then what kind of relationship do you really have?
Ire513,
'...The point of my statement is you can love a person to death but and be so totally in lust with them as well, but if they are not making you feel like the most amazing person alive then what kind of relationship do you really have?'
May I respectfully suggest that you re-read the OP's post and my response to her? She very clearly states that the bloke in question treats her amazingly well, adores her, will look after her in every way, and will do his best to make her feel like the best thing since sliced bread. She clearly states he is a great decent person - but she feels nothing for him. This isn't the 'in love with the cheater and liar' debate. This is the dilemma of settling for an all around great man who you unfortunately haven't got a trace of romantic feelings for. So, based on that, I responded to her the way I did. I hope that clears the misunderstanding.
I am trying to figure out a way to not hurt the nice guy I married but wasn't "in love" with. 8 years a house & a kid later, I can no longer "pretend". I am lost.
I have SO MUCH regret that I didn't let him go back then.
I do have love for him, & wish I could be "in love" so that he could get back from me what he gives, but I can't & it doesn't "grow" and you can't "create" it.
You can create the "illusion" of it, you can make it "seem like" you have it, but you can't make it really exist. I was good at it.
So good, that now my H can't figure out why I don't love him anymore.
He hasn't changed, it's not him, it's me.................
I feel sorry for him, & it's all my fault his perfect life is falling apart............
happychick,
I think you need to reread the original post--she never says I don't love my fiancee--she questions the degree and intensity of that love, and whether he is the "love of her life."
Her situation is a little different than yours because you clearly state you never felt anything to begin with for your ex-husband.
Quite honestly, if anything the original poster needs some serious therapy. The whole but he doesn't have the degrees I have attitude is absurd and I'm not entirely sure she doesn't have commitment issues to begin with.
With all due respect, I believe we are either reading a different post or interpreting the same words in completely different ways.
IMHO, 'degree' or 'intensity' of love if we're talking about a romantic relationship is a cop-out, cover-up for 'not in love', along the lines of 'I love you.. a little'. 'I love you..but not as much as I used to love my ex'. She is NOT talking about any degrees or intensities. I love my mom, my dad, both my sisters. I love my boss - he is the best. But I am in love with my boyfriend. IN LOVE. In lust. After 3 years and now living together for 3 months and having gone throuhg quite a lot - I am stll IN LOVE with him and I absolutely do not feel the need to post on a public message board asking strangers whether I should be with him - because I KNOW that I want to be with him - I am in love with him. Same goes for him. And he treats me amazingly well. And that is all I need in life.
However, this comment of yours: 'The whole but he doesn't have the degrees I have attitude is absurd' I totally and completely agree with, 100%, on all levels.
When you are with someone you can see the future with you know it, you feel it and you should be estatic
I think when its truely love the rest doesn't matter!
Let me just tell you that NO your love for him will not grow stronger over time. Your heart and mind are sending out warning signals and you need to listen to them. You also need to go with your gut and it sounds like your gut it telling you that this guy is not your soul mate.
I was in your same shoes and still am... the only difference is now I have two young boys and am trying to decided on whether I should stay with this wonderful man that I have no "deep love" for (and I knew this way back when)or go.
I know its hard to walk away from someone wonderful that adores you... but if the loves not there it won't be now or two years from now. TRUST ME. Walk away before you guys have a family and bigger problems to deal with. I know putting together a wedding is a big deal... but try having kids and going through a divorce. The wedding thing is minuscule compared to that. Hope that helped :)
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