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| Tue, 07-26-2005 - 7:10pm |
I am trying to do a very painful & difficult thing…break up with a commitmentphobe.
I will tell my story, but I really could copy the page that summarizes these relationships from He’s Scared/She’s Scared because that is EXACTLY what has happened.
He came on super-strong at first…was crazy about me, I was perfect for him, etc. And he’s not a loser or some desperate guy…he really made me feel like I had met the love of my life. And I was unhappily married for 8 years & hadn’t dated anyone I liked since the divorce, so I guess I was particularly susceptible. But once the relationship became more “real” he pulled back & the hard part started.
We have gone in circles that are so predictable now that I could write them in a script. We go through a close period, he begins to feel “closed-in” & pulls back, he does things to sabotage, I confront him, we have a big blow up with tears (from me), he says he’s not ready for something so serious & needs space. As soon as I give him space (this takes a maximum of 2 days) he throws it in reverse & starts being the guy I want again. Repeat many times.
To give myself a tiny bit of credit, he had pretty recently separated from his ex-wife when we met (little less than 6 months). Although he admitted to having a life-long problem with “closeness” (as he calls it), he blamed a lot of his uncertainty on the newness of that & just needing time. And that sounded very reasonable, and even healthy. I’ve tried to justify his behavior with that for a while. But for one, we have been dating for over a year now so it’s getting a little thin. And more importantly, I’ve finally realized that there is a difference between a relationship with a basically healthy person that needs to go slow for a legitimate reason and the endless circles of life with a CF. And the latter is what I have been involved in.
As with so many CF’s (and the hardest ones to break up with), he is not a jerk. Other than this he has never treated me with anything but kindness. I know that he loves me deeply, and is deeply sorry when he hurts me. He always calls when he says he will, never breaks a commitment, and has never let me down in any practical way. He knows that he has this problem & hates it, is even in therapy for it. His mother died a long, slow death from brain cancer when he was a child, it was the defining event of his life. It’s just so sad for something like that to be the root of a lifelong problem for him or anyone.
Recently we have been through a long “good” phase. It lasted 3 months or so, much longer than ever before. He let me into other parts of his life more, wanted to spend time with my friends, invited me to meet his dad & met mine. It felt like a normal relationship and I thought hey, he really did just need to get over his divorce & we’ve finally made it.
Then we went on vacation. We’ve been on vacation before & it went fine, but I guess we weren’t as close in other ways at those times & he felt more comfortable. Those that have experienced CF’s know that it’s a mysterious formula of things that make them “freak out”…no normal person can understand it. Anyway, it pushed him back to the old pull-away mode and we had a confrontation. I’ve finally realized that he is just not capable of sustaining a relationship, and that I have to end it.
I really “have it together” in every other area of my life, and I feel so foolish for letting this go on for so long and getting so attached. I have 2 great little boys who are well-behaved and thriving. I have a great group of friends who are the backbone of my life, and an active social life. I’ve done well in my career…have a nice house and am able to support the boys & I well. I am 36 but look years younger, I stay in shape and am still a size 4. Not that there are many guys in my age group to date, but the ones I run across almost always ask me out. I am civil with my ex-husband and we are good co-parents. I am close to my loving and supportive family. HOW could I have such a nice, calm life in every other way and allow myself to be involved in something so difficult???
I know I have to finally end this but it seems so hard…so painful & almost impossible. I do still love him so much & will miss him terribly. How did those of you that have gone through this do it?
Any advice will be appreciated, thank you so much for reading.

I would say "welcome" but I know you don't really want to be here!
You have to make up your mind and just do it. For me, it helped to decide what I wanted, and write down all the ways in which I was not getting what I wanted.
I won't kid you...it won't be easy. It took me 3 years to get over my c'phobic ex (we were together for 4) but that's in large part because I allowed him to stay in touch with me from time to time. Following the steps in the last chapter of HSSS should allow you to move on much sooner than that.
I would also recommend counseling...as a support system to keep you on track when you get weak (which you will, we all do).
I hope you'll keep us posted on how you are doing.
Sheri