me (guy)-hard time coping w/ breakup
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| Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:06pm |
Well, here is my first post, and need some opinions about my recent break up. I have been dating this great girl for about three months(very short time...I know). This is the first time I have dated someone 10 years younger then me(I am 35).
When we first started dating we got along great, and I knew we had something fantastic going on. We both agreed that we should not waste each others time and both want the same thing. We spent some great quality time together and she has done many things to please me and we have both introduced each other to our families (I never bring anyone around unless it is serious). Unfortunately the girl I was dating is clinically depressed and on medication to treat her depression. She is extremely insecure and has been in some very mentally abusive relationships. Like everyone, she has been burned by a significant other that took advantage of her kindness and heart. I am very independent and have a great job and am very financially secure. She on the other-hand is more dependant on her family. Initially everything was great, but quickly things turned into arguments and misunderstandings. I have been more then understanding and try to never argue, but simple phone conversations turn for the worst. She tends to get over-excited and yell, and I remain calm and try to calm things down. It always seems to her that I dwell on her negative comments and she gets upset and wants to change the subject quickly, and she misunderstands what I am trying to communicate to her. If I voice my opinion or thought, she always takes it the wrong way and thinks I am being sarcastic. I admit that I am a very stubborn person, but many times I want to voice my thoughts about things...considering she does and she is "never" wrong.
Basically my question is what should I do since I care about her well being and know she is not herself most of the time. I have fallen in love with her (I know it is a short time), and know she has a loving heart, but very hard to get to. She told me we are not compatible because of the arguments, but I think there is/was still some hope left between us. We still email on the regular, but I always tend to call her to see how she is doing. This is the first time for me that I have dated someone who was this insecure about herself, but this strong about her opinions.
Also I know 100% it is not about another guy. It is about her insecurities.
Edited 2/4/2007 10:11 pm ET by md911tt

This is so strange, because really I feel that I can relate to your ex. I'm going through alot of the same things as she is. Especially the insecure part, and really hun. I'm not the best in helping other's relationships when mine seem to screw up so easily, but dose she let you in? Dose she tell you what she wants? Or dose she push you away because she's afraid you might reject her? Another reason could be, because she is younger then you are. But what I feel is that she's afraid. You may try to be there for her and you may tell her that you care about her, and it helps. It really dose, but it won't soothe her fears completely. You feel as though you both could have another chance.Then give it a go, it wouldn't hurt. Just DON'T push her into telling you/or talking about some certain things if she is not ready to talk about them. Like you said she is insecure and you can't seem to get into heart, so if you do push her into something....You may end up pushing her away for good, and that is not something you want. You have said that you tried to be there for her and she just still will not listen to you and she tends to fire back by yelling. Let her know, sit her down and take her hand in yours- and talk to her in a calm but gentle voice. (Because of how fragile she is) And let her know that you're there, that you won't push her into something she isn't ready for and you'll always be there for her no matter what. Also because of the fact that she suffers from depression, it makes it a bit harder on a girl with the medication and all, which I'm sure you know. So theres my advice for you. Just be as gentle and loving as you can, no matter how stubborn you start to feel yourself become. She may not admit it, but she needs you too. And hopefully in time she'll be able to let you into her heart...It takes patience, but I have hope for the both of you.
-Brit
Hello Brit, and thank you so much for your response. As for your questions, in the beginning she was very open minded and invited me in. We had great conversations and both agreed about so many things. She never really pushed me away, but I knew she was holding back on her emotions. She has told me that she has had two very serious relationships and that both guys were extremely controlling. Her last b/f from two years ago was very condescending towards her and controlled her so much that she said she felt trapped. She said at the same time when she was with him, she was very lonely being with him since he was consumed with his job.
After these long term relationships, she dated guys and started to like them and she told me that after she slept with them, they stopped calling and ignored her. So when we started dating, I never pressed her into sex, and let her become comfortable and ready. She is also extremely insecure about her body (she is very slender and has a wonderful body). So once the time came, about two months into our relationship, we had an amazing time experiencing each other...but unfortunately I think she had many regrets and felt "guilty". So since she had bad experiences, I tried to reassure her that I care about her and am there to stay and not leave her. I have been there to support her and show her how much I do care about her and that I want a long term relationship.
So about a month after we had made love, she has decided that we were not compatible. We would argue on the phone and I would complain about her lack of effort in trying to see me. I made many plans and dinner dates, but would be disappointed when she would call the day of the plans, and cancel. Then she would not commit to any plans knowing that she would already disappoint me.
I have tried for the past couple of weeks after our break up to give her time to think and have some time for herself. I have told her that I want to still make things work and that I care about her. But she keeps telling me that we are not compatible with no real explanation. I am the kind of person that does not give up easily, and since I know she has insecurities, I want to help her and be the person in her life that can/will take care of her. Also wanted to note that initially she did so much to try to make me happy. She went above and beyond what she needed to do to try to keep me. At this point, do I let her go, or just give it more time until she is ready. Thanks.
Hi md911tt,
Welcome to the board.
Hi md911tt,
I'm sorry I hadn't gotten to this one sooner, you wrote me offline to take a look at it and I have been giving it some thought.
I realize you love this woman, probably felt a deeper connection with her than with any other person before her.
Sorry that you're girlfriend (ex) is having depression problems. It's an on going issue for those that have them. They need to take thier medication regularly. If not, things go very bad fast. I've had several friends and family member who had minor issues but when off the meds it's not good.
If you care about her as much as you do, you should talk to her when she's in good spirits, let her know that you want to make things work, but you should also let her know that as much as you love her, she has a responsibility to take her medications so you both can enjoy each other to it's fullest.
If she can't promise that, then you really.. for your own heart ache, let it go. it's not something easily dealt with and will cause years of problems.
I hope you resolve this, i can imagine how much you are hurting.