Meaningless drivel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Meaningless drivel
2
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 10:30pm

Today is seven days since the break up and no contact - in fact, one week ago exactly I was sitting in his living room, mouth all dry, ending things with the person I once thought would be the father of my children.

I know that I was only with him for 5 months compared to some of the people on here who were with their exes for years. I don't want to have to justify my feelings, but it's not often than one meets someone who so embodies (or appears to) exactly what I've always wanted and yes, I fell hard and fast.

I have my good moments and bad moments and the truly annoying thing is that they often happen within mere minutes of each other. I feel so great and self-confident about my decision and the future and then I remember some wonderful and random thing he did in the beginning (always in the beginning) and feel so lonely and headache-y and miss him again.

I thought about making one of those lists: the things I didn't like about him lists. Well - it'd be a short one as he was actually pretty great. Except that the few things that would be on the list were dealbreakers.

My sister said she thinks I'm really mourning the loss of the life I thought we'd have. I live a pretty solitary life, so having someone I loved and trusted was a big deal to me and he really did give me every reason to feel secure in that - in the beginning. I really wanted to have a happy ending - I really deserve the happy ending damn it! When I think about what she said, it's emberassing how right she is - I don't know if I was in love with him as much as the idea of what I thought could offer me - love, passion, security, family etc. Things started to sour and I would be direct and tell him what I wanted from him (come over sometimes - meet my family - meet my friends) and he still didn't come through I kept thinking: it's still good - we can salvage this - it was so good once - it can be again.

It's like a relationship 5-second rule - how long until you realize that that's never going to be any good anymore, no matter how delicious it once was or could have been and you just have to start fresh and make something else even though you're starving and getting light-headed from hunger. It's just no good anymore. I had to throw it out. And I don't want the 'had-to-scrape-it-off-the-floor relationship'. I want a banquet.

I think I'm a pretty kick-*ss person. I know I have a lot to offer to the right person. I'm just so sick of waiting for him to show up.

So I just re-read this post and I hope it sounds so strong and empowering because that's how I felt as I wrote it. But I still hope he'll call me.

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: oryx72
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:33am

Girl, you are awesome. I know that deep deep down you know that, but I also understand that it is hard to get past some of the emotions from your recent break up. For what it's worth, soon enough, those feelings of being sad, or angry, or frustrated will be overpowered by your sense of strength.

I went through a lot of the same things you are going through. In fact, I still think about some of the good times we had together, but instead of almost bringing myself to tears when I think about it (like I did when we first broke up) all I can think of now is how that one good moment either had something "red-flag-ish" associated with it, or about five bad moments overshadowed that one good moment. I think to how much fun I had during a certain trip we took, but then as the relationship progressed, and I learned more about him, I realized that some of the things he did or said, that I just overlooked, were really red flags I should have been paying closer attention to!

I also started to think that "second best" was the way life was, that relationships were like mine, and I had to put up with this stuff because, well, that's life. Now I realize that I was so stinking far from reality, and yes, it is possible to get exactly what you want.

That message wasn't meaningless at all, it was really powerful, and I'm really glad you posted it, because if anything, it made me feel a heck of a lot more confident too!!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
In reply to: oryx72
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 10:18am

I know just how you feel. My mood changes hourly. And like you I'm also confused about whether I'm missing the person or missing the future we'd planned together. And while I also want to move on I'm also hoping for that one drunken midnight phone call where he tells me he's a jerk, he loves me and I can't tell him NO.

What I'm trying to say is whatever your feeling is normal and many of us are feeling the same things and I think we're all Kick....ss women. What we need is the righ Kick...ss man who will finally recognize that. That's what we all deserve.

Be strong and remember there are alot of women to support you here.

K