Messing with my Mind

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Messing with my Mind
3
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 12:22pm
My girlfriend and I were together for a year, we broke up and got back together a week later, then she broke up with me again, and it's been a little over three months since then. My whole story is in "Please Help me understand". Anyways, when we hung out a couple days a week ago, she was touchy with me, she slapped my butt while we were making dinner (like she used to do), she even put a pillow on my chest and laid her head on it while we were watching TV (which she did a couple of times before as well). I was rude to her on the phone because she didn't call me one of the days last week even though she said she expected me to call. When we hung out this last weekend with friends I was distant from her and she noticed. We hung out yesterday, but before that, on Sunday, she asked me why I had been kinda mean to her lately. I said I didn't like how she had acted so affectionate towards me when she doesn't want to be with me. I told her it was messing with my mind, kinda confusing me. She said "slapping your butt was just out of habit." and "well, i still have feelings for you." then a little later in the conversation she said " well, i still have a LOT of feelings for you erik." I've been wondering lately if she's found anyone new, either sex wise or relationship wise. She's told me she doesn't want to be in any relationship, and if she had a boyfriend it would be me. But i'm kinda suspicious that she's having sex with or seeing some other guy. The thing is, her and I talk basically everyday and see each other about 5-6 days a week. MY question is: Would you guys keep contact with an ex-boyfriend like she has and still have time on the side for someone else? and my other question is: Are there any hidden messages in her words, or am misunderstanding what she's saying? Thanks very much for any comments you have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 1:12pm

It sounds to me like she IS messing with your mind...

It's unfortunate, but a lot of people just enjoy attention and can't stand it when they aren't getting any...and it is especially hard when you stop receiving it from someone who has given it to you in the past. I think your ex is just trying to hold on. This doesn't make her a bad person--it's something that I'm sure many people on this discussion board, including myself, are guilty of doing. Nobody likes to feel uncared about, or to be forgotten.

And I'm not saying that your ex doesn't really have feelings for you or anything like that. However, I think she is giving you a false hope that you two will get back together and that is NOT fair to you in the least bit. Tell her to make a decision--does she want to be with you or not? If not, you need to start having no contact. There is no way you can move on if you're still talking to & seeing her all the time. I know it sucks, especially since it seems like she is giving you mixed signals/flirting at times. And I'm sure you still care about her and will miss her a lot...but believe me, letting go is the best, healthiest thing for you to do. It sounds like your ex is just keeping you around until someone else comes along--she doesn't want to lose your attention/affection, and you deserve SO much better than that. It's far better to get out now while you still have your pride & dignity than it is to get hurt in the end when she finds the next guy--right?

Stay strong...good luck! Take care of yourself <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 5:33pm

Dear erik4444,

Do yourself a favor and get the book "He's just not that into you." Although it was written for women to understand men's "hidden meanings" behind their actions and words, it will be just as valuable for you since your girlfriend is pulling a lot of the same behavior. You can get it free though the library, but there will probably be a waiting list since it is very popular right now. Basically, the concept is that although it is painful to acknowledge to ourselves that our chosen romantic interests don't feel the same way about us, it is ultimately liberating. Instead of enslaving ourselves to a person who gives us mixed messages, we tell ourselves the truth and give ourselves permission to find someone who will treat us the way we deserve. Good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 9:16pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry about your breakup and with the kind of contact you've been staying in with you ex, it's easy to see why you're so confused. I wouldn't not act the way she has to an ex of mine....I would have to restrain myself because he isn't "mine" anymore. I really think you two should cut the contact (I know it's hard) until you're both over the other or at least cut down the amount of contact and set up some kind of guidelines on what is acceptable and wasn't isn't so you aren't so easily confused. I would reccomend no contact though because it's hard to get over someone when you're with them so much. Good luck no matter what you decide and keep us posted!!











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