Miss Him So Much Right Now

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Miss Him So Much Right Now
38
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:25pm

It's been 4 months since my two-year easy, happy relationship ended because he (33, me 27) said he did not know what he wanted and thought was afraid we had gone as far as we were to go. No contact or plans for it. It was sudden and scary and horrible. He walked away from it clean slate; refuses to talk about me or us with our mutual friends; bought a new home and is just continuing on with his great life without me. It wasn't mean or malicious. No other girl in the picture. He just couldn't do it and left. Soldiered on with his crazy work life and social plans. As most of you know, it hasn't been such an easy transition for me.

I am most certainly going through (another) quarter life crisis. I was so sure I would have this incredible future with him, an amazing man who was successful and settled and brought out the best in me. I loved him so much, it felt beyond words at times. I pictured us living together, being married, our children. Everyone did. My parents, his parents. Our friends. Now I could not be further from any of that. Compound me being unhappy with where I am in my career, living in an expensive city on a very modest salary (about 25% of which is spent on wedding shower and baby gifts -- seriously!), being dumped and completely surrounded by happy friends and colleagues who are married with gorgeous homes and babies. And I am almost 28. Just another few weeks. I am dreading it. It. Has. Not. Been. A. Great. Summer.

I am trying....so freaking hard, to get away from this all with grace. I don't hate my ex, I can't even muster any anger for him. He did not wrong me, he was honest and respectful. But I was still crushed and completely blindsided. I still am. I have been working to get a better handle on my life and try to find more happiness. I have good friends and see them regularly. I am training for a 10K and go to the gym each day. I play tennis and golf each week, joined a book club, am trying to go out often and meet new people. I am expecting an offer for a very challenging new job soon. So, I have some things to look forward to and be happy about. I am trying to be a self-sufficient, happy, don't-need-a-guy girl. Trying to be busy and active and fill my life with good things. Been on a couple dates, but nothing great. I still miss him so terribly. I still cry a few times a week, some days a couple times.

This weekend has been especially hard. I am pretty stressed with the career stuff -- this new job will be huge. We're working out the details of the offer now. It will be a promotion, a great salary bump, but also a ton of responsibility and I feel already that it will be way over my head and overwhelming. It's a totally new company and new set of colleagues and clients. I'm leaving the familiar behind. He is supposed to be here, helping me with all of this. He was my biggest supporter, my confidante. I went to him for advice on work things, I valued his opinion so much, I wanted to make him proud of me. He was so supportive and I felt like I could do anything with him. I am excited about this work opportunity, but I am also so scared. So petrified. And I have to do this alone. It makes me so sad that this is me making a big step and he won't even know about it. He will have no clue. But it's a step, and also a step further away from him. It is something else that separates us, something new he is not a part of. It just furthers the distance and magnifies that I am alone doing this without him.

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I'll meet friends for dinner (no family in this state) but I know it won't be the same. I dread it. I just want to get through it and over with it. At the same time I wonder if he will remember, or if he has tried so hard to forget me and the past that it won't even enter his mind.

It is a hot end-of-summer weekend. I am sure he is out on the boat with friends, the same we we spent every weekend for two years. But without me. I've been busy -- going to the beach, lunch with a friend, working out, doing errands. But it is time filler. I drove home from the gym last night, ready for some mindless TV and a quiet night in and all I wanted and wished for was him. His arms around me. His voice in my ear, his smile, his words. But I was alone. Again. And he is far away continuing his life without me as easily as ever.

Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with this sadness. I am still mourning him and what we had. It has been hardest mourning what I thought would happen, what I thought we would have.

I know that it takes time and there are setbacks. I write that to other posters here, even. But sometimes I am just so inconsolable and so down. I loved him with everything. I doubt anyone ever could love him more. That anyone else could ever mean so much to me. And at the same time, while not malicious or mean, it just wasn't enough for him, he didn't want it, didn't want me. And I can't help but feel like I did when he broke up with me -- insignificant, unworthy, not good enough. I hate that I gave him everything and was rejected in the end. And I hate that he is still all I want. It's been 4 months and I would kill to be with him. But I don't even register to him.

Sorry for the long vent. I'm just a stressball of emotion right now and having a poor time. Thanks for reading.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:33pm

I'm sorry for all the stress and emotion you're going through right now. I wish I could tell you that it's going to be over soon, but that's not realistic--it's going to take a while longer but eventually you WILL get over him.

One thing that I think could really help you right now is to let go of these thoughts about how things were "supposed" to be. When you find yourself thinking that, substitute something like, "yes, I thought that was the case, but I was wrong--obviously it wasn't meant to be and he's not the right guy for me after all".

And you CAN help but feel unworthy, etc if you choose to. Feelings come from thoughts, so again, it's a matter of stopping those negative thoughts and subsituting something else--maybe along the lines of "just because I wasn't right for him, doesn't mean I won't be right for someone else just as I am". Have a mental list of your good qualities ready to focus on when you start feeling that way.

Some counseling with a therapist who uses cognitive techniques could really benefit you as well I think.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 1:32pm

Erin, Our situations are similar in many ways. The main difference is that I knew all along he wasn't going to settle down with me; he made it clear he wasn't looking for that in his life. Still, our time together was so special (yes, beyond words even) and I cherished it. I can't even think about being with someone else because everything was so natural and genuine with us.

But still. It sometimes helps me to concentrate on the things that weren't good. Like the fact that he always put work first (that always made me feel so bad) and of course, the most important thing, that he wasn't able/ready to commit.

I have the feeling that if I were someone else, this would have played out differently. If he loved me more, he'd want a future with me. But Sheri is right about how those negative thoughts are so harmful. In the end they are useless; the situation is what it is.

I admire you. You are doing the right things. It hurts right now, but it won't always be like this. Four months is not a long time (it's been 3 months for me). Even though this new job is scary, it will be helpful to direct your energies elsewhere. The future holds good things.

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 5:15pm

Hi Erin -

I, too, can relate to your situation. I posted my situation on here 2 months ago. A pretty good relationship that ended with him not wanting any contact with me and him cutting me out of his life pretty easily. The few times I was able to see him or talk to him, he left me with the impression that he might consider coming back to me. But those conversations were followed by silence. Although this man had many issues, I just couldn't understand the fact that this man who once adored me, would not pick up my phone calls and then eventually told me to stop contacting him.

I kept focusing on all the good stuff like you are doing right now, and yes, felt my self-worth plummet. After weeks of not eating and sleeping, having crying fits and missing days off a work, I decided to seek counseling. Well, after breaking the NC rules here and there, the thought of his birthday coming up was too much temptation for me, so I texted him a Happy Birthday message which he surpisingly responded back to (after no NC for 3 wks). Well, I fell into the trap again, and decided to reply back to him with an honest "I'm still thinking of you and hoping one day we can talk again" message.

Now here's the kicker....he sent me an e-mail 2 days ago telling me in no uncertain terms, to never contact him again, that he has a girlfriend now and that it was inappropriate! I was absolutely shocked. After only 2 months, he has a grirlfriend? Not just dating but an actual relationship? How could he move on so fast? Although I've been trying to heal, I now have "I have a girlfriend now" statement playing over and over in my head. While I've been sitting here pining over this guy, thinking that things could still work out, he's obviously been seeing someone shortly after we broke up or jumped into something very recently and made if official just as fast. Just 3 weeks ago, he was asking me if I hated him (he said he didn't and was still thinking of me) and was upset that I removed him as my friend on MYSPACE. Leaving me to wonder about this all and now feeling our 10 month relationship was a sham for him to be just be able to start a new life with someone else so soon. Although I'm heartbroken all over again. This traumatic incident made me really open my eyes and for the first time in weeks, I NO LONGER WANT HIM BACK!

Please be strong and do not contact him. If you must think of him, think of the not-so-good qualities of your relationship. Like you, I had a hard time of having hateful feelings for him, but if you're still putting him and the relationship on a pedastal, it just makes it harder for you to let go. And if you can't let go, you won't have enough space that is needed for someone better to come along into your life.

As you can see, I'm still dealing with this all, so don't let yourself get down if you do contact him or have the moments of I miss him so much right now. There will be ups and downs and you may take 2 steps back before you can take 1 step forward. It will get better.

~ERIKA

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:26am

"It's a totally new company and new set of colleagues and clients. I'm leaving the familiar behind."
Chances are, you've gone through the same thing when you went to high school. new friends, new job, new place, new standards. I bet you look back now and laugh at how worried you were on the first day and how much fun it was when you graduated. I'm sure it'll be the same this time around. Some things never change.

"He is supposed to be here, helping me with all of this. He was my biggest supporter, my confidante. I went to him for advice on work things, I valued his opinion so much, I wanted to make him proud of me."

oddly enough, a videogame quote comes to mind when I read your feelings on not having your greatest supporter here. Ever play Phoenix Wright? Anyways, one of the characters say that "I know the path I've walked. I don't need anyone to tell me". YOU are your biggest supporter, and everyone else, including him, is just icing. You worked hard, You deserve this, it's not over your head because nobody in their right mind designates important things to someone they don't think can handle it. Obviously someone up there thought you were pretty fabulous to give you this opportunity.

"But it's a step, and also a step further away from him. It is something else that separates us, something new he is not a part of. It just furthers the distance and magnifies that I am alone doing this without him."

We all get feelings like that. They go away. I remember...the first time I went to the mall without him. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd set foot in a shopping mall without him. Or going to watch Rataouille after we broke up, a movie that we'd planned on seeing together for a long time (since we're both foodies + pixar lovers), or having my best friend call me when I had to go to Montreal (where he lives) and he wasn't there to greet me for the first time. Things like this sting, but the farther you go, the less you have in common, and the less things trigger your emotions. It's more comfortable living in control of my emotions.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:23am

I just glanced over your post, and although we are so different, the "post-breakup" stuff you wrote....well, I almost went back through this board to find one of my previous posts to see how close it really was....word for word.

Feeling unworthy; not good enough - My ex told me I was not "relationship material". He was seeing me "for fun" (he said I was lotsa fun), until he found someone who WAS "relationship material" - and he did. This was 2 months ago, and I wouldn't be surprised if they're married (because, I am desperately trying to stop breaking the 'N.C.' rule). I was with him 6 1/2 months, and he never grew feelings for me.....WHY? WHY? WHY?

Trying to get on "with my life" - yeah, what life. My ex broke it off the same day I got laid off from the 4th job in 8 months....so, I know there is a worse place then "rock bottom", because I was there. I do start a new job tomorrow, and should be in bed. Where am I, posting here, because I've been having a rougher than usual weekend. I should be excited and thinking about my new job, but I am just hoping that it will help me forget about him. I read and print all the advise off of this board, and it all is great advise, and I know that following it is what is best for me to get through this, and not doing what they tell you not to do (#1 BIGGIE - No Contact!!) is only going to make it worse. And it's COMMON SENSE. But when you're in this kind of pain, NOTHING makes sense. I feel like I'M NEVER GOING TO GET OVER HIM....and he probably forgot my name.

I apologize if this just makes you feel worse. I just want you to know, that I feel that pain that you feel....and, girlfriend...IT IS SOOOO NOT FAIR. I can just say the old cliche' "YOU ARE NOT ALONE" I pray everyday for it to get better....and hang on to the faith that all the wonderful people on this board swear to me that it will.

Tina Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:06am

Thank you all so much for your posts. I am so sorry so many of you have had similar thoughts and situations, and my heart aches for each of you becuase I truly, truly know how you feel and I am so sorry you have to deal with these emotions, too. This board has been really helpful, if nothing else to know that my inner thoughts and insecurities aren't totally nuts (for the most part).

Sheri, your advice is really nice. I have seen a counselor about a dozen times since the breakup. It's been helpful, but how much can you really talk about this stuff, you know? I've gone through every healing step except anger twice. Just can't get angry. This is a good man, a great person who did nothing wrong and was only honest and respectful, from day one to the day he left. How can I have anger for that? The therapist has tried to get me there -- tried to incite anger -- but I just can't do it. The closest is when I get so frustrated with things -- the stress of this career move, getting overwhelmed with sadness and feeling alone, putting together a stupid bookcase -- that is when I get frustrated with him not being there when I need him. But that's it. I feel mostly sadness for him and for me. And wishing I was different or had done or not done or said or not said things that would have made this situation different. When I first saw the therapist he said (and others have too) that the silver lining is that this could have been worse, it could have happened a few years later, after marriage, kids. My first thought -- seriously -- was that would have been okay because it would have given me more time with him, more happiness with him. Seriously? Yeah.

The whole happiness-is-within and it-happens-for-a-reason positive approach is something I admire, in theory. It's the practice of it that is so hard to adhere too. Maybe 20% of the time I feel like I'll be ok, I'll make it through, I deserve more. The other 80% tends to ruminate all of this and feel like cr-p every time I have to buy another happy engagement card at CVS or spend the afternoon at a baby shower.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:42am

Just to be clear...my therapy suggestion was not so much to talk to someone about it (although of course that can be a helpful part of therapy), but rather to learn cognitive behavior techniques so you can learn to change your thoughts (and therefore your feelings). Does your therapist practice CBT and has he/she taught you the techniques and the theory behind them?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 11:13am
No, it's more generalized discussion. LISCW, not psychotherapist or pyschologist.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 11:19am

The therapist I went isn't either of those (she has an MSW I believe), but the important thing was, she was trained in cognitive behavior therapy. That is my suggestion to you--find a counselor who is and tell them you are specifically there to learn some CBT techniques to help you change your thoughts.

You can try doing it on your own of course, but I found it was much easier to do with the counselor's guidance. At a minimum, do a google search and read up on CBT.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 10:37am

Thanks. I'll read up on it.

I just want to be better, I want to be happy and whole. But I still feel like I have a hole in myself, in my life. Like I am just a few errant pieces of what I used to be. Meanwhile, he is having a fantastic time with everything he wanted and nothing he didn't (me). On the other side, I don't have what I want at all. He's happily striding forward and I am sputtering here still, trying to assemble myself.

The thing with being single and alone is that you're left with yourself. I don't have family in this state. I have good friends, but most are married and starting families. They have their own lives. At the end of the day it is just me. Waking up just me, doing things by myself, having to deal with and entertain just me. And it's hard to do that when you don't really want yourself. Know what I mean?

I just want to be happy again. I had so much happiness with him. I felt invincible with him. I figured my RL was so great, so strong and we were so happy and blissful that things would work out. He supported and loved me, believed in me. I just don't have that net. It's just me.

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