Miss Him So Much Right Now
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| Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:25pm |
It's been 4 months since my two-year easy, happy relationship ended because he (33, me 27) said he did not know what he wanted and thought was afraid we had gone as far as we were to go. No contact or plans for it. It was sudden and scary and horrible. He walked away from it clean slate; refuses to talk about me or us with our mutual friends; bought a new home and is just continuing on with his great life without me. It wasn't mean or malicious. No other girl in the picture. He just couldn't do it and left. Soldiered on with his crazy work life and social plans. As most of you know, it hasn't been such an easy transition for me.
I am most certainly going through (another) quarter life crisis. I was so sure I would have this incredible future with him, an amazing man who was successful and settled and brought out the best in me. I loved him so much, it felt beyond words at times. I pictured us living together, being married, our children. Everyone did. My parents, his parents. Our friends. Now I could not be further from any of that. Compound me being unhappy with where I am in my career, living in an expensive city on a very modest salary (about 25% of which is spent on wedding shower and baby gifts -- seriously!), being dumped and completely surrounded by happy friends and colleagues who are married with gorgeous homes and babies. And I am almost 28. Just another few weeks. I am dreading it. It. Has. Not. Been. A. Great. Summer.
I am trying....so freaking hard, to get away from this all with grace. I don't hate my ex, I can't even muster any anger for him. He did not wrong me, he was honest and respectful. But I was still crushed and completely blindsided. I still am. I have been working to get a better handle on my life and try to find more happiness. I have good friends and see them regularly. I am training for a 10K and go to the gym each day. I play tennis and golf each week, joined a book club, am trying to go out often and meet new people. I am expecting an offer for a very challenging new job soon. So, I have some things to look forward to and be happy about. I am trying to be a self-sufficient, happy, don't-need-a-guy girl. Trying to be busy and active and fill my life with good things. Been on a couple dates, but nothing great. I still miss him so terribly. I still cry a few times a week, some days a couple times.
This weekend has been especially hard. I am pretty stressed with the career stuff -- this new job will be huge. We're working out the details of the offer now. It will be a promotion, a great salary bump, but also a ton of responsibility and I feel already that it will be way over my head and overwhelming. It's a totally new company and new set of colleagues and clients. I'm leaving the familiar behind. He is supposed to be here, helping me with all of this. He was my biggest supporter, my confidante. I went to him for advice on work things, I valued his opinion so much, I wanted to make him proud of me. He was so supportive and I felt like I could do anything with him. I am excited about this work opportunity, but I am also so scared. So petrified. And I have to do this alone. It makes me so sad that this is me making a big step and he won't even know about it. He will have no clue. But it's a step, and also a step further away from him. It is something else that separates us, something new he is not a part of. It just furthers the distance and magnifies that I am alone doing this without him.
My birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I'll meet friends for dinner (no family in this state) but I know it won't be the same. I dread it. I just want to get through it and over with it. At the same time I wonder if he will remember, or if he has tried so hard to forget me and the past that it won't even enter his mind.
It is a hot end-of-summer weekend. I am sure he is out on the boat with friends, the same we we spent every weekend for two years. But without me. I've been busy -- going to the beach, lunch with a friend, working out, doing errands. But it is time filler. I drove home from the gym last night, ready for some mindless TV and a quiet night in and all I wanted and wished for was him. His arms around me. His voice in my ear, his smile, his words. But I was alone. Again. And he is far away continuing his life without me as easily as ever.
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with this sadness. I am still mourning him and what we had. It has been hardest mourning what I thought would happen, what I thought we would have.
I know that it takes time and there are setbacks. I write that to other posters here, even. But sometimes I am just so inconsolable and so down. I loved him with everything. I doubt anyone ever could love him more. That anyone else could ever mean so much to me. And at the same time, while not malicious or mean, it just wasn't enough for him, he didn't want it, didn't want me. And I can't help but feel like I did when he broke up with me -- insignificant, unworthy, not good enough. I hate that I gave him everything and was rejected in the end. And I hate that he is still all I want. It's been 4 months and I would kill to be with him. But I don't even register to him.
Sorry for the long vent. I'm just a stressball of emotion right now and having a poor time. Thanks for reading.

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Thanks for being so honest. I am going through a fresh break up myself with someone that I still love very much and who loves me. Sometimes it just doesn't work out and it sucks when you don't really have anything to blame the problems on.
I'm 29. I'll be 30 in October and I honestly believed that I'd found the one. At this point we haven't been together for a month. It's hard. But life does go on.
Thanks for your post. I am sorry you are going through this, too, Tanjelo. How are you handling it all? Are you in contact?
I know it does get better, because a few months ago when we first broke up I was just so sick. Physically not well, emotionally exhausted, totally hopeless. I am more funtional now (the first few weeks were just torture, seemed like I was floating above my body watching things happen) and I am still obviously working through the emotions of all this. It is tiring. It is hard work. It is frustrating.
It's hard to remember that it will get better, especially when you have low moments when all feels hopeless. You hang in there, too.
Hello there,
Today is a better day. He and I did talk on Saturday and you know what? The more we talked, the more I realized that he is just really confused, playing games, or just trying to by time until he decides whether or not he wants to be with me. But the more we talked and he talked in circles, I realized that he is slowly driving my crazy and that it would only get worse if I continued to talk to him and hang on his every word.
Basically, I've decided that if after 2+ years he can't decide to be with me OR not to be with me, I had to make a decison to just move on. He is not the last man in the world and if he doesn't love me enough or want to be with me, then someone else will and can. While I don't doubt that he does love me (he says that he does and I believe that he does) I just believe that he just doesn't know if he wasnt to be with me. And I can appreciate that. However, it's not an excuse to try to keep me wrapped up into him until he decides on what he wants to do. I need to make a decision to make this choice for myself. I think I was subconsciously waiting for him to make a decision as opposed to me taking control and making this decision for myself.
We have to make a decision to take control of our lives and NOT let men dictate to us what they want without takinbg our own feelings into consideration. I had to realize that he is lookingout for himsef and that I need to do the same. Our current situation is not making my happy and so I decided that I want out. Mind you, I 2nd guessed myself and felt bad and wanted to know how he was feeling ... but you know what? If he wants to be with me, he would be with me. He isn't here and wants to "be friends for right now" (aka, "I want to run around with whoever I want until/unless I decided that I want to commit to you again" OR "I'm not sure that I want to be with you, so let me decide while you're miserable and MAYBE we'll get back together and MAYBE not."
No thanks. We've broken up. I need to cope in order to get over and no better time than the present. I'm determined to get over this!!!
How are you?
I am going through seemingly the same thing (2 years together, everything seemed better than fine and I thought I knew he was "the one"). Every time we spoke after the break-up, it was the same "I love you. I need time and space to figure this out. I don't know if I made the right decision". When he would tell me that, it left me feeling vulnerable and with a desolate feeling of hope. He broke up with me over 4 months now, and finally, two weeks ago Saturday, I asked him not to contact me for a few months. I really recommend initiating no contact, it left me with a feeling of power and decisiveness, and I think he respected me for that. I am trying to get into the frame of mind that you are finding now, that I deserve to be with someone who KNOWS that they want to be with me. Your post reminded me what I need to work on, thanks. Best of luck getting though this.
Bridgid
you were not butting in ... and thanks so much for your comments!
You're right. It is empowering. After our convo Saturday I didn't initiate contact at all, he sent me a message last night to tell me that he was thinking about me and wated me to know it. Then he said he was doing ok "all thing considered."
Whatever.
If he was so miserable and broken up, he'd be talking to me to see if we can work it out. I am absolutely positive that even though I'm sure he does love me that he's not spedning his days, nights and weekends crying in his soup. He's out there doing whatever it is that HE wants to do. That would include possibly seeing other people. So ... if he's not sure that he wants to be with me, then I'm positive that I'm not going to sit around stalking him and wishing we were together. I'm taking some time to get my head and heart into a stable place and then I am going to open up my heart to the possibility of love again. I want to be with someone, want to be married and want kids. I'm 29, I'll be 30 next month. I'm not going to waster precious months and years chasing someone while I'm sure that there is someone out there for me who is going to cowboy-up and make the commitment of a lifetime.
Ladies, we have to start seeing ourselves as valuable, something to be treasured. Just because 1 man doesn't see your worth, doesn't mean that they're are not many others who will.
So ... maybe my guy will come to his senses. And if he does, then we can TALK about the POSSIBILITY of us getting together if we agree to do so. But if not, I wish him well and I'm looking forward to something new!
man, i just made myself feel better, LOL!
Good luck. Please keep the emails coming. You guys are helping me out and I hope that I'm doing the same...
Edited 9/12/2007 11:32 am ET by bridge73
Excellent.
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