missing him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
missing him
3
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 7:27pm

before I start, I know I have offered some of you advoce, but I am really bad at taking my own, so other opinions is what I am looking for

Ok, I am going to really try to make a long story short. I was married when I was 24 to "J". A few months after we got married, he said he wasn't happy, and wanted to get divorced. Well, we, or should I say "I" tried to make it work, but he wasn't working at it, after a few months, he started cheating on me. It was over for a long time when we finally got divorced. Well, my ex issue is not with him. It is with my boyfriend who I started dating just before my divorce was final. My issue is, is that I really really miss him and want to get back together, but am not sure how to go about doing it. We have been broken up for 4 months. In that time, we have mostly done our own things, but have remained friends. We still talk on the phone a few times a week and spend the night together occasionally (sometimes we have sex, sometimes we just cuddle). The reason we broke up is that he felt like I didn't have time to get over my marriage. When we broke up we called it "a break". He wanted me to be able to get back to who I was, he didn't want to break up but felt like it was what we needed. At the time, I was more hurt and couldn't really understand where he was coming from, but now, I definitly think it was the right thing. We really did need it. But now, I feel like we have been broken up long enough and want to try again. The last time we talked about "us" he said he still has feelings for me, and I definitly still have feelings for him, but I don't want to bring up "the talk" -- we had it so many times in the first few weeks after we broke up that we talked it to death, and now I don't really know how to go about bringing it up. We spent a lot of time together last week, he was helping me move some stuff for my grandparents, and we spent the night together; we had so much fun, it was like it used to be, and we actaully spent some time together the next day too.

But there is another "twist" I guess. I met another guy about 2 months ago. We have kissed a few times and I like him, but spending time with him just makes my feelings for my "ex" stronger. I am not really confused about what to do, because I know what I want; I think I am just venting to get some opinions. Oh and FYI my ex did find out about the new guy--totally got jealous and tried to play it off, but I know him too well.

Any advice is welcomed. :)
thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
In reply to: kjgcls704
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:37pm
Um, tell your "ex" to get his head out of his... well, you know.
Seriously, though, if you're happy, and he's happy, who CARES about limitations about time apart? Or what you're supposed to do after a divorce/break-up/dog dies? Happy is happy. Period.
Maybe you can find out what's holding him back instead. I think there's some fear on his part that's he's not addressing because he used your situation as an excuse to slow things down in the relationship. Slow is good. Probably really good in your case, given the recent divorce (yeah, yeah, I know... another one of those what-everyone-says-is-best things, but probably true). At this point, though, his lack of commitment is HIS issue, not yours (and not because of a divorce or whatever). I hope you can help him find the answers.
My 2 cents,
~S
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: kjgcls704
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:20pm
Truthfully, I think you need to take some time to yourself without all this guy drama.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
In reply to: kjgcls704
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 11:00pm

ok, just so everyone is clear, my divorce has been final since July. I started dating my "ex" boyfriend about 2 weeks before it was final and we decided to be "exclusive with each other" about 4 days after that.

The last 5 months have basically been us taking time "apart" to figure things out, kinda for both of us, but really for me. But in the last 2 months or so, I have finally been feeling normal again. I feel like the person I used to be before all of the marriage problems started. That is the thing that I really want him to see, because that was the basis for our whole breakup. I miss him, I mean, I still see him but I miss US. I really want to try to get it back, but am not sure how I should go about it without him thinking that I am faking it just so we can get back together.