Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure
5
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:05am

Hello all. This is my first post and I need some advice as to how to proceed in this relationship. I'm a gal in my late 20's who's been engaged to a man in his mid forties for about 5 months now. We've dated for about 4 months before he proposed to me. He moved in with me weeks after the proposal.

My fiancee has been married twice before but he doesn't have any kids. My fiancee is very good looking and he has an excellent personality. He's a people's person that everyone loves. All my friends say that I am extremely lucky to have such a "good man." He truly loves me and cherishes me and sometimes goes overboard with all the loving and cherishing. Like I've said before, we've been together for 10 months now and there hasn't been a weekend where we weren't together . . . .

So why am I unsure you might ask? Well first I feel a little rushed as my fiancee wants to get married next year and wants to start having kids within 2 years. I have extreme cold feet about marriage that probably comes from prior failed relationships and my parents' divorce.

Moreover, I'm having a really hard time believing that my fiancee doesn't have any children! I mean, he's in his mid-forties, he was married twice before, and according to my fiancee he and those women were fully capable of having children. Plus, my fiancee's biological clock is ringing loud and clear now as all he can think about is having children of his own. Why did he wait so long?

I asked my fiancee why hasn't he had children by now and he said that he simply didn't feel comfortable having a child with his first wife of 10 years and his second wife of 4 years simply did not want to have children. Sometimes he talks about these failed marriages in detail. As far as the first wife, that was a marriage of convenience of sorts as my fiancee stated that he married her to make her a US Citizen. That women later left my fiancee for his best friend but before that happened, that same woman pulled a knife out on my fiancee during an argument. My fiancee can never recall what the argument was about but he always talks about the knife incident and ends the discussion by saying she was crazy. My fiancee also told me that he made his first wife abort their baby before they got married because, at that time, he wasn't ready to be a father. He also said that if that baby was alive today she would be in her mid to late 20's.

Similarly, my fiancee describes his second wife as being insanely mean and unreasonable and often talks about how she destroyed his personal property and medication during an argument about something my fiancee also cannot recall. On another occasion, my fiancee stated that this same woman told him that, if they had kids, she would make sure that he would never see them. I cannot understand why these women would get so enraged at him or why my fiancee doesn't remember what those arguments were all about? He really seems like a nice guy not only to me but to his family, my family, and to our friends. In fact, his long time friends of 20+ years would do anything (and I mean anything) for him!

One more thing - a few months ago a picture of a little girl of about 8 years old fell out of his wallet. I could tell this was an old picture because of the background and the girl's clothing but, in any event, the little girl did resemble my fiancee. I asked my fiancee who was she on several occasions and each time my fiancee said the little girl was his cousin. He even showed me the contents of his wallet and the only other picture in his wallet was one of his mom. I can understand the picture of his mom but why would he carry around an old picture of his cousin?

Sigh . . . . How can I get to the bottom of all this? Should I keep the engagement and work through this or cut my losses now and leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:34am

You are looking for reasons to get out of this engagement already. From what you wrote, nothing he said is unbelievable, why don't you trust him? If you are not ready for marraige/childeren then get out and let him be, because he wants a family. And there is nothing wrong with you if you want different things, you both are in different stages of your life.
My advice: If there is something inside you that is holding you back, whatever it is, untrusting, or too good to be true, or cold feet from past failed relationships, then don't do it.

By the way, do you even love him? you didn't mention it once in your post. Good luck with your decision

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:51am

Ok this is my two cents. I have old co dependent stuff so take this for what it's worth. You hardly know this man and are engaged. TAKE YOUR TIME. You have red flags and an intuitive sense there is something not quite right.

If you are really suspicious, hire a detective. Do you know his family or friends? What insight can they shed. Did you ask him point blank, "who is the kid"?

Take your time..just the fact you are here says you are wary. GOOD LUCK.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:31pm

Hi and thanks for responding. I'll try to answer as many posts as I can.

Yes I've met his mom, dad, step-dad, brother, aunts, cousins, best friend, second best friend etc. I've never had a one-on-one conversation with any of them so how would I go about initiating that? And, yes, I did ask him on 2 occasions "who is the kid" and each time he said it was his cousin. He even said that he forgot that picture was in his wallet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:37pm

What is your gut here..what do you suspect? Who in the family are you closest to?? Can you gently bring it up to someone you trust in the family..what are you comfy sharing?

Is past with women concerns me..bad luck or what?? His side or a tainted view of the truth..who knows.

Do you feel at peace with him? Is he the one??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:28pm
I'm not close to anyone is his family as this relationship is still new and I'm still getting to know everyone. I also don't know if he's the one because of these unsettled issues.