Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)
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Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)
| Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:52pm |
Hello all. I've just discovered some disturbing news about my "fiancee." As it turns out, he is still married to his 2nd wife as on May 5, 2005 and he is in the process of getting the divorce. I have all of the fiancee's contact information. Should I contact her or just end it with my fiancee. Please advise.

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Yikes!
I am so glad you are here. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Why?? You were betrayed by him and for that matter, his family. Cut your losses and get out. If he lies NOW, what next? BAD NEWS...terrible way to start a new relationship. You must be reeling. I am so sorry about this revelation.
BTW, how did you find out?
Hey guys thanks for getting me through all this over the last few days . . . .
I ended the relationship about an hour ago. I started the conversation by asking him whether he has ever lived in my borough before and, of course, he denied living at those prior addresses listed on his public record reports . . . . .
I let that slide and went in for the kill by asking him when was his divorce to his second wife finalized. He said it was finalized in November 2004. Wait - I should tell you that he gave me all the passwords to all of his emails this afternoon and I found 3 email exchanges from him and this 2nd wife from about April 29, 2005 through May 7, 2005. Anyway, I proceeded to read those emails out loud to him. In those emails, my ex-fiancee was requesting their pre-nupt agreements and any other material contracts so that he could file the divorce. The 2nd wife was beside herself because she thought the divorce was already finalized. She also asked my ex to stop calling her mother's house to leave a message for her there. She basically said "once this divorce is finalized, please divorce my family too . . ."
Once I finished reading these emails, I asked my ex again when was this divorce was finalized. He started tap dancing and said that he had first thought that the divorce was finalized in November 2004 but then learned that it was not. He has since filed the divorce papers and the divorce decree was issued last month.
I began to explain to him that he lied to me and betrayed me throughout our relationship since he told me that he had divorced her 4 years ago - a flat out lie. So basically, I have unknowingly been living and sleeping with a married man for the past 9 months! I've introduced this man to all of my family, friends, and co-workers and have presented him to the world as my future husband! Hell, he continued to lie to me tonight by first saying that the divorce was finalized in November 2004 when (according to him) it was finalized in September 2005 (see above)! This man not only dated me, but he proposed to me and moved into my apartment knowing full well that he was still legally married.
After all that, I told him that the relationship is over and that he should make arrangements to move out of the apartment immediately. I hate liar and manipulators and I cannot live the rest of my life verifying every word he says . . . He agreed to move out of the apartment but after making a last ditch effort to change my mind by saying I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to loose you, I love you, I was dumb, everyone told me to tell you upfront, etc. . . . He even tried to ask whether this could be patched up and whether we could start again in the future and I replied "I need some space." I have spent every single weekend with him for the past 10 months! I need a break . . . .
He then asked me whether he could sleep here tonight and I told him "I don't know where you are going to sleep." So he proceeded to pack his overnight bag and bounced. But before departing, he tried to "Get a Kiss Goodnight" so to speak and I refused and requested that he return the house keys. I also returned the engagement ring and his check for his share of the rent for this month.
Hey...I am so sorry for what you are going through. But it sounds like you have been really strong and mature about handling it- so give yourself credit for that!
I can relate a lot to what you are going through. I broke up w/my ex about 4 months ago. We were roommates in a house when I first moved to a new city, and started dating about 2 weeks after we met. I thought he was so perfect- we had this amazing chemistry- he was cute and charming, and fit every quality I had been looking for in a guy. Things got serious pretty quickly- he was my first boyfriend and I'm 28 so probably a lot of it was due to my inexperience. He came home w/me for Christmas and met my family- EVERYONE loved him. We moved into our own apartment with another roommate in March. In May, things started getting bad. He had told me that his dad (who he works for) needed to borrow $30,000 from him in order to save their business, so he emptied out his savings account to help him. This was after he had supposedly taken a 40% pay cut. He had some pretty expensive spending habits, so I knew this was going to be a big deal. Because of him being so stressed out, we fought all the time- but it was always MY fault for not being patient and understanding w/everything he was going through. In June, we had a big fight and he told me he couldn't be in a relationship anymore- even though he still loved me. I was devistated- even though things weren't going well, I always thought we'd work it out.
After we broke up, I found out that he owed me about $2,400- from bounced rent checks and stuff I had bought for him on my employee card when I worked at a dept store. He told me week after week that he would start paying me back, and every time I brought it up, there was some excuse as to why he didn't have the money. Then, he comes home with a new IBook. How is it you can't pay me back but can afford a $2,000 computer?
I finally decided to go through his filing cabinet and see if I could find anything that would help me figure out what was going on. I found an old checkbook with several checks written to his ex-girlfriend, which was really suspicious- along with a bunch of bank statements w/a lot of bounced checks on them. It's pretty humiliating to have to get to the point of going through someone's personal stuff, but I didn't have much of a choice at this point. I got along pretty well with his family, so I decided to ask them about some of the things I had found- and to try and figure out a way to get my money back. I met with his sister, and told her about everything. She said, "Be lucky it's only $2,500 that he owes you..." She started telling me A LOT of things that I obviously didn't know- but I discoved that he is basically a compulsive liar. The $30,000 thing was complete bull- I'm still not even sure why he made that up. He has a rather long history of stealing- from his parents, ex-girlfriends, ex-employers, and even his parents. He apparently almost went to jail for forging checks (his parents bailed him out, which was probably the worst thing they could have done). The real reason we moved out of the house we were in was because he owed our landlords $3,000 in back rent. He is also still being sued by his ex (whose credit cards he stole) for $6,000. His family told me they have been trying to get him help, but he refuses to go- I guess he doesn't think there's anything wrong w/him. I'm not sure there is any hope for him to get better at this point...
I wish I had gotten to confront him about everything I knew like you did with your ex. I wanted to say, "I'm not as stupid as you thought I was..."- because I felt so dumb that I blindly believed everything he told me. But, I wasn't dumb- I just trusted him. Why would you ever think that someone who really loves and cares about you is capable of lying to you? For me, that is the hardest thing to get over. It bothers me that I'll never know what was really the truth and what was a lie.
The biggest lesson I took away from this relationship was to trust your instincts. I always had a feeling deep-down that my ex was hiding things from me- but I ignored it because I cared about him so much. There were so many red flags- he was always so vague about his past and never seemed to talk about it unless I specifically asked, he didn't have any friends outside of a few people from work- weird when he has lived in the same city most of his life. Now it all makes sense to me.
I will tell you the same thing everyone tells me- thank God that you found all this out BEFORE you got married. I wondered if things had gotten any more serious w/my ex (because we were talking about marriage after being together only a few months) if his family would have warned me since they knew I didn't know about his past. I guess your ex's friends don't know the truth either, so maybe he's been lying to them too. Even if they- or his ex-wives had tried to warn you, you probably wouldn't have listened to them. He would proably have denied everything.
I'm sure it is really hard right now- I'm still struggling with everything and it's been 4 months. My ex just moved out this weekend so it was difficult to try and move on when we were still seeing each other everyday- I feel a lot better now that he's gone. I started seeing a therapist and it really helped me. My friends and family have been awesome too- hopefully you have people that can support you through all of this.
As angry as you are, you shoulf feel sorry for your ex- he will probably be alone for the rest of his life. You will eventually move on and find someone who really is everything you thought he was. Hang in there!
erica
Wow Erica I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. Yes I do have amazing family and friends and, like yourself, I'm considering therapy.
He's moving his things out tonight through this weekend so I will be experiencing something similar to what you've gone though. However, I will continue to keep you (and everyone) posted and I will continue to remain steadfast. Feel free to email me anytime.
Oh my goodness.....if there was ever a reason for breaking up.....
At least it's clear cut and obvious and you know you are making the right decision. I'm sorry that you were led this way and I'm sure it's hurts a lot. Good luck to you!
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