Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)
17
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:52pm
Hello all. I've just discovered some disturbing news about my "fiancee." As it turns out, he is still married to his 2nd wife as on May 5, 2005 and he is in the process of getting the divorce. I have all of the fiancee's contact information. Should I contact her or just end it with my fiancee. Please advise.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:58am

So the ex came by last night to pick up some of his things and this is what happened:

He basically talked me to death for about 1 1/2 hours. In short, he said that he had been separated from his 2nd wife since February 2004. Around that time both he and she signed petitions stating that the divorce was uncontested and that each party waived all rights to alimony and so forth. He claims he gave his notarized statement to her and she was supposed to file the papers with the County Clerk's office. They were basically trying to divorce each other outside of court.

Fast forward to November 2004: Ex states that he never received any additional papers confirming the divorce and wondered why.

Early Dec. 2004: He goes to the County Clerk's office and discovers that the papers were never filed and that he's still married.

Late Dec. 2004: We meet. I asked him point blank is he divorced and he said "yes." I asked him how long he's been married and he said "4 years." I asked him how long has he been divorced and he also said "4 years." I continued to ask similar questions about the divorce for the next 10 months and kept getting the same answers.

The Ex also claims that he tried to contact the 2nd wife from January to May 2005 trying to get "marriage contracts" and other items to give to his lawyer so that the divorce papers could be filed. He stated that he left messages for her at her job, cell, and with the wife's mom but to no avail. He claims the emails I read resulted from his lawyer serving the papers on the wife.

The Ex then says that the divorce papers have since been filed and that they are awaiting the final decision from the judge.

Obviously he lied to me about his marital status from the very beginning and continued to lie about this and the status of the divorce throughout our relationship, even through last night (the divorce was not finalized in November 2004 or last month and is still pending). I gave him several chances to "come clean" and tell the truth but, instead, he decided to lie, lie, and lie. I told him that he could not be trusted and that he is a very selfish and deceitful person; a big perpetual liar!

He agreed and admitted that what he did to me was wrong but also claims that he did not have malicious intent and he did those things because he was scared of loosing me. He stated that he knew I wouldn't even talk to him if I knew that his divorce was not finalized. Although that outcome may have resulted, that's the chance he had to take as I am entitled to make my own decisions.

I told him that his intent does not matter, the fact that he lied about something so material and continued to lie while knowing the status of his divorce speaks volummes about his character. He can blame it on being scared, stupid, or whatever, the fact that he was able to lie, deceive and manipulate me for 10 months shows what he is capable of. My ex even said that other people encouraged him to just tell me the truth but still he decided to lie. And although he swore to me that he would never do something like that again and that I can speak to his attorney and check all of his email accounts to verify what he's saying is true, I declined his offer. It doesn't matter what the lawyer said, what those emails say, or his intent. Who's to say that he won't act the same way again when confronted with this type of crisis?

Bottom line I told him that I could never trust him again and the type of harm he caused me will probably never be repaired. He suggested that we go to counseling but, to be honest with you, I don't think any counselor would able to restore my faith and trust in this man. He F'ed up big time and he knows that. He can't take back the lies and manipulation.

As a last ditch effort, he brought up all the other positive things he did in our relationship like never sleeping with another woman, always being by my side, helping me with anything I needed help with, etc. Yes I agreed that he was good to me and that this was the only infringement I had with him. However, the fact that this problem is SOOO huge in my opinion is more than any white lie could ever be. He lied about his marital status and caused me to be engaged to and live with a married man! Hell, it's almost like he HAD to be good to me for committing such a HUGE SIN!

So that's what happened. We both agreed that I need my space and he will be moving his things out of my house on Saturday . . . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:04pm

I am so angry right now I don't know what to do. How about my ex now wants his computer back!

Basically, back in May, my computer died and I needed another computer ASAP because my job depends on it! I went to Dell's website to look for a new computer. He gave me a computer and said we can use that one for the house.

Well, on Wednesday, we broke up and I told him that I am on dell's website right now looking to buy another computer. He told me to don't worry about buying another computer and to keep it.

Now this morning he wants his computer back. What a jerk! Now I'm going to be without a computer for at least a week (possibly longer) until I can get another one delivered! I'll bet you he's upset at the fact that I was on yahoo IM last night and emailing my friends because he kept looking at the computer screen like "What the hell is going on here?!!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 2:41pm

I feel like a black sheep here I guess, but I don't get why you are so hurt. It's just a divorce decree, a piece of paper. They were not together and haven't been for a long time, and were legally separated. I'm sure he thought it was a technicality and would be done before now but courts and lawyers sometimes take forever. You seem super strong and so ready to boot him with little sadness what so ever, except now that he wants HIS computer back. I can understand him being angry and wanting it back. It seems he loved you and over a piece of paper, you are throwing him on the street with zero remorse. I'm sorry, I just don't get it??

If you didn't want to marry him, than just end it. Alot of women don't understand why one little incident or argument leads to a blow up and then a breakup. I think you were looking for a reason to get out.

Anyway, I must not be understanding, and don't mean any harm at all. ??? but good luck with your decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:23pm

Grace I feel used, betrayed, deceived and manipulated because he lied about the entire thing! I asked him point blank in Dec 2004 "Are you divorced?" He knew by then that the divorce was not finalized due to a technicality but said "Yes." I asked him "how long have you been divorced?" He said "4 years"

I continued to ask these questions throughout our relationship and for 10 months he continued to lie, lie, lie. Even before the breakup I asked him to come clean if he had something to tell me and he continued to lie about the whole thing. It was only after I gave him the evidence that he finally confessed - well partially confessed because he lied again and said that the divorce has been finalized since last month when, in fact, it's still pending.

The divorce decree and any other papers he might have doesn't matter right now because he lied in the first place. He tricked me into believing that he was single and I accepted a married man's marriage proposal! I've unknowingly lived and slept with a married man for 10 months!!! He had a duty to tell me about the divorce and I had a right to make my own decision as to whether or not to continue the relationship. Instead, he lied and manipulated me to stay with him because "he didn't want to loose me."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:24pm

So here's the update on the computer . . . I'm soo tired right now.

My ex just called me at my job and we were on the phone for an hour discussing this stupid computer and other trivial items. For example, he had the NERVE to tell me that he was offended when I asked him to pay 1/2 the security on the apartment SEVEN MONTHS AGO and he wanted to know why I didn't offer to give it back now. Honestly, I forgot about his security deposit! I'm not a landlord so I'm not familiar with these things . . . . In any event, I immediately send him an email this morning (before the phone call) telling him that I will give him the deposit on Saturday. So no harm, no foul . . .

Instead, he goes on an on about how if I would've moved in with him, he would never ask me to pay 1/2 the security. So I asked "Did you expect me to pay the full security AND the rent? We agreed that we would share all expenses equally?" He said no but that I treated him more like a client in a business deal more than a boyfriend at that time. I was perplexed because we were doing business - he just signed a 1 year lease on the apartment at that time!

Then he flies off of the broomstick about how I placed all of his belongings outside of the apartment door last night. He said the neighbor accross the hall saw everything and he feels embarrassed.

I won't bore you with the details on this petty dispute but suffice it to say he is wigging out big time over there. He told me that he is having an emotional meltdown and he apologized for that. The ex says that he hasn't sleep in 48 hours, he's like a nomad (sp) wandering around trying to find a place to stay (I thought he moved back with his mom), he doesn't want to leave me or the apartment he loved so well, yada, yada, yada. Like I said, he knows he f'ed up and now he's paying the price for lying . . . .

And, yes, he's letting me keep the computer and he's still moving out tommorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:38pm

Yeah, he had lots of times to come clean and didn't. I can see you feeling deceived. He really needs a mother I guess, not a girlfriend. He sounds immature, and I bet you feel relieved to have him out.

You really sound like you have it together and are a strong lady. You deserve a man who won't keep you guessing and have so many skeletons to hide.

Stick to your guns, hugs to you
Gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:40pm
Thanks hon (hug).

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