Mistake to call ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Mistake to call ex?
4
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 11:33pm

Me, and my boyfriend broke up recently just one month before our 2 yr. anniversary. I'm 23, and he's 22. It's a long story, but to sum it all up he wasn't giving me the attention or making the effort to make our relationship work. The first year everything was great. We did everything together, and were both definitely very happy. However at the beginning of the second year he started acting very weird towards me. He wouldn’t call me as much, or make as much of an effort as before to se me, etc…So basically for this last year it was like this rollercoaster ride of me feeling like he wasn’t giving enough to me and our relationship.

I tried to talk to him various times about how I felt excluded from his life, and that maybe we should just end things because it seemed like he didn’t love me anymore, but he would always tell me things like he loves me and doesn't want to be apart from me, etc...So I would give him a chance, and things would change for a while, and then he would go back to not dedicating a lot of time to me without any meaningful reason. Even his sister, and his mom would tell him to dedicate more time to me or else I was gonna dump him soon! Oh, by the way I’m absolutely 100% sure that he wasn’t creeping with another girl during those times he was acting weird because of a source very close to him who would’ve told me if he was. I was very confused during this time because it wasn’t another girl, and he wasn’t having any meaningful problem in his life that I knew of at the time.

My mom told me that maybe he had some personality problems, or depression, or maybe even that he might be in the closet and having an internal struggle against that like a sexual identity crisis. This is because during the last year of our relationship when things started going downhill he always seemed to be struggling against something inside himself. It wasn’t anything in specific that I could just point out, it’s just something I sensed. I’m not saying it’s a fact, it’s just a possibility that my mom pointed out to me.

Almost 2 months ago I got fed up of being on this crazy rollercoaster ride with him and trying to make things work, and my self esteem was really on the low because being very in love with someone who doesn’t show the same thing back to u does that to u. So I told him that it was definetely over because I just couldn't be in a relationship with a man who never seems to be 100% sure that he wants to be with me, only this time he didn’t try to get me to change my mind. He said that he understood that his behaviour towards me would make me wanna break up with him, and that was that.

Two days later he sends me 5 very confusing messages to my cell phone which are:

1)I know this is all completely my fault what is happening between us. Please don't feel
bad.
2)Please forgive me for not giving u all the time u deserve.
3)The truth is that I really care about u a lot, but I feel that my great love for u is
gone. The truth is that I don't know all the reasons why.
4)The truth is that I feel very immature, and don’t really know what I want in my personal life right now.
4)I love u so much but I don't know what is happening to me. I need help from God I swear.

My mom told me to not call him for a while because he clearly has issues he needs to work out. She said that if he's meant for me he will realize he loves me and do anything to get me back. I cried many many tears, but remained firm and stopped calling him altogether. He calls me a week after the breakup telling me that how could I just stop calling him, that I should call him once in a while basically like nothing had happened. Did he think I had no respect for myself to be calling him so often just after we broke up because of his fault? Then we talked about other things like how his family was doing, and other such things. He then said that we should get together and do something sometime. So a couple of days pass by, and he sends me messages to my cell phone telling me that he misses me, and that he still thinks about me, that he doesn’t want our friendship to end, but he doesn’t call me. So my mom tells me that that is really cold and impersonal and that if he really missed me, or was interested in maintaining a friendship he would’ve called me or would be calling me on a regular basis.

I was so depressed after we broke up, crying a lot, feeling sorry for myself because I really fell in love with him to the point of envisioning myself being married to him, having his kids, etc…However everyone tells me to stay firm and not call him, because like that saying goes “if u love something let it go- and if it comes back it was always yours”. Besides if we don’t have our space he won’t ever know if he truly loves me, and wants to be with me. But how big should that “space” be? Does it mean not calling whatsoever and not getting together for a casual event ever? What is an acceptable time limit for u to say that if someone hasn’t shown any intentions of reconciling u should just bury it forever, and give up any hope of reconciling? I’m so confused right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 11:56pm
To get out of the state of confussion you're in right now, it'd be good if you talk to him and ask him the question of "how time do you need to sort out the issues you may have in your life?". If he's evasive giving you no timeline or something along the lines of "I don't know" it's best for you to move on. Not having a timeline will put you back on the roller coaster ride and we both know that it's not healthy. If he says "a few months (that puts him in October)" then you have to decide yourself if you want to wait for him. There is no guarrantee in that he will go back to you though. Think about it. He seems to be passiing through a difficult time and if he's not seeking professional help, his timelien could be years.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 12:05am

My breakup was for fairly similar reasons...I wasn't getting from my ex's actions that he was really in love with me, so I ended it. I did tell him that if he felt at some point in the future he was able to treat me as I want and deserve to be treated, then he should call me, but not until then.

However, I am not going to hold on to hope that this will happen. Like your ex, my ex has issues he needs to work out. So I'm working on taking any hope that I have of reconciliation and putting it in a small box on a shelf way up high in the back of my mental closet, if that metaphor makes sense. I think this is something you need to do from the time you break up, and not wait a month or two or however long...otherwise you're just in limbo and what was the point of breaking up?

As for keeping in touch or seeing each other, doing so will also just keep you in limbo and unable to move forward. At some point in the future, after you're over him, you can reconnect as friends but any contact in the meantime will just keep you stuck or set you back in your healing process.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2005
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 4:29pm

Ok, first there is only one thing I really have to disagree with that you said: "Besides if we don’t have our space he won’t ever know if he truly loves me, and wants to be with me."

If he loved/loves you he won't need space. Did you ever need space AWAY from him to know you loved him? Either way he definitely has stuff he needs to work out, and until he fixes himself (not just with help from God but with help from a psychiatrist and maybe some meds) you should have your space from him. The messages he sent you were very confused, but all in all his actions speak louder than his (very mixed-signal) words, and his actions say he needs help and can't be a good person for/to you until he is ok with whatever it is he is struggling with.

Maybe you can tell him next time he gets mad at you for not calling him (or next time he wants to hang out) that when he gets himself fixed you will consider it, but not until then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 7:06pm

Hi there,

I'd listen to your mom on this one. She sounds like she's got the right idea. If he wants to be with you, he will get over his stuff and tell you. Even if he's going through a ton of personal crises, he'll tell you that and also how much he wants to work through it with you - you won't have any doubt that he wants to be with you if he truly does.

I went through the same thing recently. My ex now seems to want to be around and be the guy for me and all that. The thing is, I know that to go back would mean going back to the same relationship I couldn't handle staying in before. Let him call you. If he doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be.

I also agree with the last post that for someone to say they need to have space from you to figure out how they feel is pretty cruddy. Honestly, it doesn't really seem like things are all that great if someone figures out how much they like you only after checking you out in the rearview mirror.

The yo-yo-ing this guy has done is not going to change for a while. And, you calling him when you still have so much feeling for him is dangerous because you are just continuing to put in effort for someone who hasn't put that effort in for the time you were together.

Getting you back is his effort to make, not yours' to facilitate.

Good luck with everything!