Mixed signals

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Mixed signals
68
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:14pm

I've been seeing someone for four months. Amazing guy, we started off casually dating and I told him I needed more. After not hearing from him for a few days (and thinking everything was over) I heard from him and he asked me to come to his place and spend the weekend. It was amazing, he made dinner, we talked, it could not have been more perfect. Everything changed after that, we spoke every day, several times a day, sent txts, it really seemd like things were at a different level. We spent more time together and he went out of his way to make everyhting special. We live in different states so it wasn't easy to see each other all the time but the time we spent together was always great. We really had a greatconnection and I found myself realizing that I had never felt this way before and after a string of bad relationships, that maybe, I had found someone to be with and be happy. In fact, one day we were hanging up the phone and I clicked off, I heard him say he loved me...so hello, thinking things are going well.

Well, guess I was wrong. I had some surgery recently and he made no effort to drive down to see me and cancelled movie plans on the last minute for the third time in a row and finally, feeling really hurt because I had not seen him in weeks, I left him a message where I asked, does it even matter to you that we haven't seen each other in so long? I heard nothing from him, not one peep, for almost a week and was a total wreck. Finally, and this may have been dumb of me, but I called and asked if we could talk. He asked me to come over and while I was there he talked about how he liked me but he told me inn the beginning that he just wanted to be casual and I was now the one changing my mind. He also said that it he hadn't responded to my message because he didn't know what to say and still didn't. He said I was taking things more seriously than he was and he was sorry he hurt me. What it comes down to is he wants a girlfriend, but one he doesn't have to label as one or feel obligated to while he takes care of some personal goals he wants to reach before "settling down." I don't think he even realizes that this is what he was saying, but it was. He also kept saying that if I lived closer to him things would probably be different, but why should I move on a whim if he can't even state beyond a "probably" that things would be different.

We spoke for a while and how things were left were that we would still be friends and we would see what happened from there. He asked me to call him this week. Honestly, I felt really good about how things ended and could deal with the outcome just fine, but it seems he is still doing his mixed signals routine. He was cold on the phone when we spoke a few days later, but asked me to call back again. I've been confused all week but didn't plan on picking up the phone. Then he rang me out of the blue yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. When our call ended, he asked me to call him that night. It compeltely threw me and last night I sent him a message acknowledging that things have been akward on the phone both times we spoke but restating that I do want to keep the friendship if that is what he still wants, but that I need to know one way or the other. Basically that we need to clear the air once and for all. I told him whatever his decision was, let me know and I'd respect his choice, no questions. Once again, no response.

I am stung, but ready to move on to being alone again...but still I'm wondering, what the heck is up with this? Do I need to just be patient or is he really in full-on Peter Pan mode and has no clue of what he wants himself? Either way, I'm sick of crying and wish I could hate him right now, but I can't. Advice on how to move on when you can't hate the person you were dating and the mere thought of him makes you cry like an idiot?

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:29pm

He has told you exactly what he wants, a friendship, which hasn't changed since he started dating you. And yes, he does know what he is saying. Sometimes we females wish our guys were confused and we try to give them the benefit of the doubt, when we really know they are telling us exactly how they feel and what they want. Sometimes it just isn't what we want to hear.

And even if he is confused, do you really want to waste your time waiting on him to find himself when you could be meeting someone else? You offered him more of your time and attention and he accepted it, like most guys would, but that didn't persuade him to want a real girlfriend with all that that entails. Giving more in hopes of getting more rarely works with men. Sorry.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:49pm

Don't be sorry. I had my rose colored glasses on for a month so and admit it, but no more. I'm not saying he and I didn't have different takes on how things were progressing or misunderstood things as they went along, we both did, and this is the result.

However, for me, the fact remains, he says he wants to remain friends and yet now is acting weird about it. Asking me to call him and checking in with me but then being standoffish about it, it is confusing. Either he wants friendship or not. That is what I've asked for clarification on from him. I don't want to persue a romance further with him, when I say we'll be friends, I mean just that, friends, no benefits. We're not doing ourselves any favors being more than platonic friends and I know it.

Thanks for your message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:50pm

Oh my. When I read your post, it felt like I was reading about my OWN situation, verbatim. The guy I'd been dating and I called it off over a week ago and it feels devestating. We were dating for 4 months, like yourself, and in the beginning he told me he was only interested in a casual relationship because being serious and committed, was not something he wanted to do in that point of his life.

Things were fun and great at first, so the casual issue was fine. About 2 weeks into our relationship, we broke things off because I realized I was getting a little TOO interested in him and could predict down the road that I would end up getting hurt.

Someway, somehow, we decided to still see each other, but things seemed to move from casual to almost serious. We were talking to each other everyday, seeing each other whenever possible. He would always tell me how much he missed me and liked me, and almost beg to see me when I had time (I'm a full time student, so I was always preoccupied with school). It was wonderful. We had amazing times together, I felt that I was falling in love, but never wanted to admit it because it was suppose to be a "casual" relationship.

Then all of a sudden, things started going downhill. The whole "mixed signals" thing you were talking about. The cute text messages ceased. He no longer told me he missed me. He no longer asked to see me, I had to ask him to make time for me. It was starting to feel alot like a friends with benefits kind of situation and I didn't like it one bit. I got used to us being so close and lovey dovey. Then he told me that we were seeing each other a little too often (we saw each other 3 days in a row one week!) and that I shouldn't come to him for emotional support, because we were only casual. It hurt really bad and we ended up in a bad argument that resulted in a break up.

We got together again for a "talk" and for some odd reason, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to still be with him if it was only "casual". I guess I figured a casual relationship had to be better than no relationship with him. I thought he would agree, but he actually made it so clear that we were broken up, and he never meant to led me on and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. We both admitted that we loved each other. He refuses to let people get close to him. I went to his house for that conversation thinking I was going to be cool, calm, and collected. Nope. Broke down crying and I could see the pain in his eyes as he watched me cry.

I suppose your ex and my ex have issues with closeness. He told me he HAD to keep people at a distance. I gave him my entire heart and he is reluctant to open up his to me. I wish I could hate my ex too, but I can't. I can only remember the good times and feel sad that there won't be anymore of those with him. We both agreed to be friends, but I am trying to avoid him on that for now because I know the more I talk to him, the more I'll miss him and want to see him I'm sure.

I am just hurt and frustrated because I know he misses me, and I know he still cares about me, so what's so hard about letting himself go and being with me?

My advice to you, and the advice I am trying to follow myself is...just let it go. It's hard to let go if you are not angry with that person. But you can't change the fact that these men are so very afraid to open up and give their heart out and be in a serious relationship. They show loving traits and then they draw back quickly because they realized what they did. I think they're just so afraid of getting hurt themselves, they have to keep people away, which is sad. Trust me, I want to contact my ex still and talk to him and be with him, and laugh with him. And we agreed to be friends. But I know if i do that it, it will not only prevent me from moving on, it will feel forced to him that I am trying to be in his life. We all just need time away from each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:53pm
He should've been waiting in front of your door with flowers. Or called to ask what you need or how are you feeling. You had surgery and this guy didn't have the decency to come and see you? Why do you always have to go to him? It sounds like not only he doesn't want a real relationship with you, there's no efforts or emotions involve on his part. You should've known where you stand when he was a no show after your surgery. Let him go. Find someone who deserve you and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. At times we think it's better to deal with non-sense then to be lonely. You best focust you energy into finding someone else, then to waste any more time with this guy. Cut your loses and move on.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:02pm

You know the worst part for me here...I used to be the person who held the one I dated about two football field lengths away from me and never let anyone in at all. I decided on my birthday last year though that I would lift my self-imposed dating ban and really just make changes that I needed to make because I ewas just very unhappy.

When I first met my ex first, we talked about where we thought things would lead. I told him, I didn't know, but I had always said that no marriage and no kids was my motto, but now, nothing was off the table for me. He told me had had always felt the same way himself but now he say himself in a few years wanting marriage and kids. NOW he says, but you know I want kids in a few years and you don't. I kept telling him, you know, you heard the first part of the conversation, but you totally missed the WHOLE conversation.

You're right, we need to just avoid these men. It is hard though. I realize now that I've really hurt some guys when I've done this in the past. I will NEVER do that again.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:04pm
You're right. I need to move on and let it go. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 3:37pm

God, I know EXACTLY what you mean. This was the first time I ever risked my heart like this, knowing that there was no stability, no promises, no security (the casualness of the relationship) and I just let myself feel and love and act on my love. Only to be completely crushed because he can't do the same.

When we broke up for the first time, I told him I was reluctant to be with him because I didn't want to end up falling for him and getting hurt in the end. He told me that was ridiculous because potentially we could end up being together and having a great time and it could mean and worth so much more than the hurt in the end. That the ride is more important than the destination. And because of that, I wore my heart on my sleeve.

And I admit, the time we had together WAS wonderful and completely worth the hurt I am feeling now. But I am still angry that he is hypocritcal and won't do the same.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:21pm

You're right, they both encouraged us to give our all, but then pulled the rug out from under us at the last minute.

After last night, with him not even bothering to reply to my message about whether he really serious about remaining friends, I've really deided this afternoon that I've had it. In fact, everyone's messages today made me realize that I do deserve more than someone who says one thing (he wants to keep things casual) and then does another (plans these amazing romantic weekends, asks me to move closer to him, and tells me he loves me). In the end all that is going to happen is that I'm going to turn into an emotional wreck who feels like a fool for even thinking there was a chance to be happy with him in the first place.

I also admit, I had a wonderful time with him, it was great, but now I am starting to wonder if it was all a lie and a big joke at my expense. Maybe it is better for me to be mad because it does help me to not think about missing him.

Seriously, this expereince may well be enough to drive me back into my dating ban mode forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:52pm

I know, I am wary about giving my heart out like that again. But these mixed signals from our ex's...we're the ones RECEIVING them. They just don't know what they want. I don't think our situation has anything to do with feelings. I think they feel all the things most people do when they care for another person or love another person. But those feelings are intense. Love can get pretty intense sometimes. And as my guy told me, he has to keep people distant because he can't deal with serious and intense issues like this.

I know this is a bit off topic, but what is your astrological sign?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 5:03pm

My ex says that he has to "do things" (like get a new job, travel some more) before he settles down and literally has this crazy two-year schedule. He doesn't get that when he is ready to "schedule" that long term commitment that it isn't just going to happen, poof, right then because that is what he wants (well unless he is planning on ordering up a mail-order bride I suppose). We've even talked about it several times and I've told him that life is what happens all around you while your making your plans for what you think life should be and not paying attention to whatever is right in front of you (and I don't just me mean me in that sense, I mean everything in general).

He all but came out and said that if he met me two years from now that there would be no questions of anything with us, we'd be together. Right now, as I think about it, I should have asked straight out...so what, you want me to wait for you to make up your mind in TWO YEARS!?

Oh, I'm a Libra. You?

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