Mixed signals

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Mixed signals
68
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:14pm

I've been seeing someone for four months. Amazing guy, we started off casually dating and I told him I needed more. After not hearing from him for a few days (and thinking everything was over) I heard from him and he asked me to come to his place and spend the weekend. It was amazing, he made dinner, we talked, it could not have been more perfect. Everything changed after that, we spoke every day, several times a day, sent txts, it really seemd like things were at a different level. We spent more time together and he went out of his way to make everyhting special. We live in different states so it wasn't easy to see each other all the time but the time we spent together was always great. We really had a greatconnection and I found myself realizing that I had never felt this way before and after a string of bad relationships, that maybe, I had found someone to be with and be happy. In fact, one day we were hanging up the phone and I clicked off, I heard him say he loved me...so hello, thinking things are going well.

Well, guess I was wrong. I had some surgery recently and he made no effort to drive down to see me and cancelled movie plans on the last minute for the third time in a row and finally, feeling really hurt because I had not seen him in weeks, I left him a message where I asked, does it even matter to you that we haven't seen each other in so long? I heard nothing from him, not one peep, for almost a week and was a total wreck. Finally, and this may have been dumb of me, but I called and asked if we could talk. He asked me to come over and while I was there he talked about how he liked me but he told me inn the beginning that he just wanted to be casual and I was now the one changing my mind. He also said that it he hadn't responded to my message because he didn't know what to say and still didn't. He said I was taking things more seriously than he was and he was sorry he hurt me. What it comes down to is he wants a girlfriend, but one he doesn't have to label as one or feel obligated to while he takes care of some personal goals he wants to reach before "settling down." I don't think he even realizes that this is what he was saying, but it was. He also kept saying that if I lived closer to him things would probably be different, but why should I move on a whim if he can't even state beyond a "probably" that things would be different.

We spoke for a while and how things were left were that we would still be friends and we would see what happened from there. He asked me to call him this week. Honestly, I felt really good about how things ended and could deal with the outcome just fine, but it seems he is still doing his mixed signals routine. He was cold on the phone when we spoke a few days later, but asked me to call back again. I've been confused all week but didn't plan on picking up the phone. Then he rang me out of the blue yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. When our call ended, he asked me to call him that night. It compeltely threw me and last night I sent him a message acknowledging that things have been akward on the phone both times we spoke but restating that I do want to keep the friendship if that is what he still wants, but that I need to know one way or the other. Basically that we need to clear the air once and for all. I told him whatever his decision was, let me know and I'd respect his choice, no questions. Once again, no response.

I am stung, but ready to move on to being alone again...but still I'm wondering, what the heck is up with this? Do I need to just be patient or is he really in full-on Peter Pan mode and has no clue of what he wants himself? Either way, I'm sick of crying and wish I could hate him right now, but I can't. Advice on how to move on when you can't hate the person you were dating and the mere thought of him makes you cry like an idiot?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 5:43pm

Um yeah, my ex said that he is sick of being pressured by society to start looking for a potential life partner because of his age- (he's 25). His friends are getting married left and right, because I guess that is the age to "settle down".

We can't be together because he doesn't want the "serious" thing and I don't want the "casual" thing. But it just makes me wonder...why can't love be enough?

We also have a an age difference to consider as well. I am only 18, so I know that I have so much to look forward to.

When he and I had our closure conversation, he pretty much told me that now is just not the time for a serious relationship. Okay that's great, but I don't really have time to wait for you when the time is right. Not that he is asking me to wait for him anyway.

I guess the entire time I was fooling myself. I kept telling myself that a casual relationship was fine, everything was going great. That I didn't want anything more than that anyway. But again...I was getting these "mixed signals" as well. He introduced me to his parents (whom he only sees about 3 times a year himself), I was his date for many social events, etc., etc. When he would do these things, I thought he WAS commited to me, we just didn't have the title.

As much as I'd like to wait around for him, I don't really want to put myself through that.

He says he wants us to be friends...but I don't seem him attempting to try to be my friend in anyway. I have dropped him the casual hello email to extend the hand, but no response. I am also sick of being the one reaching out you know? If he wants to be in my life, I want him to reach out and work for me.

I'm a cancer, so that's why I was wondering. We seemed like we approached relationships very similarly. Hard exterior, vulnerable interior. Libras are romantics though and very outgoing, so think of what lies ahead for you in the future! One of my favorite quotes is, "It's true you don't know what you've had until it's gone, but it's also true you don't know what you've been missing until it arrives".

I think this is a great way for us to just completely vent about our guys since our situation is so similar, and it's been great hearing about you and your situation because I know I'm not the only one that is going through something complicated like this.

-Alex

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anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 6:15pm
You are definitely more in to him than he is to you. Sounds like you two want different things from the relationship. He did tell you he wasn't ready to get serious, etc., so you shouldn't take an invitation to dinner, or whatever as a sign from him that he wants to see you exclusively. He obviously enjoys spending time with you, but like he said doesn't want a serious relationship. He probably is working alot. Try to be more enthusiastic about his career goals, and maybe he will include you in them. Also, don't be so needy.... if he knows you'll jump at the chance to see him, he'll take the relationship for granted. Be cool!
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anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 6:39pm

I have to say, it's not an an ocassional invite to dinner and he has gone out of his way to say he wasn't seeing anyone but me on numerous (read more than six) occassions and said he was happy to hear it when I let him I know I didn't want to see anyone but him either. So, we've been exclusive and it has been his choice as much as mine. 98% of the time it is him calling me every day, txting, etc., so I honestly have not been reaching out begging for attention. Also, he has been searching for another job and I sincerely could not have BEEN more supportive of his goals, listening to him talk about his day, helping identify job boards for his area of work and talking about possible jobs, interviews, helping with cover letters and interview follow-up, etc.

I don't mean to sound flip or unappreciative of your advice, but I haven't really been overly needy either. I didn't ask for him to visit after my surgery and wasn't even really talking about my own goals or troubled days when I had them very much because I was listening to and trying to be supportive of him. I've been pretty independent with going out on my own, with friends, keeping my life as separate from him as possible to try and not be clingy because I hate that when that is done to me, but when he was staying in constant contact with me and asking me to basically open up about things to him, spend weekends together, etc., he broke through my defenses and I let him in and wanted to share things with him...if that makes me needy, then yep, I'm guilty. I honestly don't think the fault of this blow-up is entirely on me though. It takes two people to screw things up and I really feel like we both did our fair share of screwing up.

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anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 6:49pm
Take him for what he says and believe him. Move on with your life and don't make it more than it is.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 6:51pm

Yea, when my ex and talked about pressure from our families to settle down we were on the same page completely about hating that expectation put on us as individuals, but when it came up the first time that if more was on the table I wanted to explore it but if he didn't now was his time to say it (I ALWAYS gave him the option of an out), his response was "I'm not saying it isn't an option, but I'm not ready to get married and have kids right now, honey." I was the one who said "Uh, where are you coming from because I am so not asking for that. I just want to know if you want to move to the level of acknowledging we are an actual couple. I'm not looking to marry you next week and have a baby next year." I mean, I spelled this stuff out to him explicitly, AND gave him the out of saying, you know, maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore and he was very specific in saying he still wanted to see each other. I guess this was where the signals crossed because we both stated our positions and when he waited a few days and then asked for the whole long weekend together, his thought process seems to have been "OK, we'll just continue on as is." Mine was "OK, he thought about the conversation and this is his way of saying he wants to see what happens next too." That thought just got reinforced when he started calling several times a day and really moving much closer emotionally to me. So this unspoken thing popped up between us and a few more months passed and now, oh happy day, back to single land again.

It is all so complicated, I could ramble even more, but yes Alex, it has been great talking to you today too because you know exactly where I'm coming from and it is really helping me to able to get it all off my chest.

Erin

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anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:33pm
Sorry to put you on the defensive, I guess I'm just trying to prevent heartache. If you're willing to put your heart "out there" and risk it, then its ok to be where you're at. I have to say it seems insensitive, the part about your surgery, etc. But, guys tend to pull away at times like that. Relationships are work- hard work! Sometimes you have to wonder if the effort is worth the payoff!
Good luck!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:05pm

I'm sorry to be hyper sensitive about the whole thing as well. I know I'm at fault for part of what went wrong but he played his part in the derailing. Actually, it is helpful to have a few people kind of point the finger at me and say, "hey, it is your fault, he's totally innocent" because it is forcing me to really look at everything and realize that he wasn't being as great to me as I thought because I really do see now that while he may not have even been conscious of it, he was trying to have it both ways--a casual relationship but with the closeness and intimacy of something much deeper.

Things like him repeatedly suggesting I move to his city, bringing up the idea of living together many times, talking marriage more often in a postive way than in a "I'm not ready" way. I know that to him, it was maybe just conversation or maybe even joking, but to me, it really was mixing signals and confusing. Usually I didn't even know how to respond because I thought he was too good to be true...and tada!...he was.

He may have been thinking of "us" as casual, but in reality, his actions, his attitude, and his words, more often than not, said something completely different. I believe him when he said he didn't mean to hurt me, really. It doesn't change the fact that he did though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:44pm

Erin-

I don't think anyone is at "fault" here. He just doesn't know what he wants. He wanted the best of both worlds, just like my ex did. From what it sounds like, he cared about you very much and saw you as someone he could share his future with. And although he stated he wanted a casual relationship, it's too bad he couldn't act on that. Instead he just STATED he wanted a casual relationship, then acted as if it was a serious, intimate relationship (asking you to move closer, romancing you, telling you that he loved you. I'm sure once he started feeling intense feelings he had to make it very clear that it was just casual by drawing back.

The things he said WERE mixed signals. It's not like YOU were the one asking to move closer to him or to marry him that second. When my ex and I broke up, he said he felt obligated and pressured by me. And I could only think...where the hell do you get that idea?!? I NEVER asked him to hang out with me over his friends, or give up any other time to be with me, or asked him to be committed to me. HE was the one that always called me, always texted me. I would merely reply to it. His last girlfriend kept him on a very short leash and was always with him ALL the time. I understood how annoying and suffocating that could be, so I always tried to give him all the space he wanted. And then he says that he felt like I was always mad at him and possessive of him. Possesive of him HOW? It's like where are you getting this from? Prime example: We had a black tie event to go to and he was so worried about my opinion of his clothes. He kept asking, "Is this okay? Do you care if I wear this?" What? Wear what you want! You're a grown man, quit asking me permission for stuff! He explained that his last girlfriend would've flipped out and told him what to wear. Umm again, that's nice, but I'm not her.

I mean, I just don't understand these boys. YOU made it very clear to your ex that you aren't looking for marriage and kids, yet HE'S the one that brings it up. It's like..who said anything about marriage and kids? My ex would do the same thing. We'd talk about marriage and he would say, "well it doesn't matter because you wouldn't ever want to marry me anyway". Or he would bring up how beautiful our kids would be if we ever had kids. Uhh okay, number 1 I'm way too young to even be thinking about kids anyway. Maybe that's something HE can think about, but not me. Number 2, I'm not too keen on children as it is. And when I would mention that, he would say, "yeah but maybe in the future, I can change your mind". Yeah...real casual stuff right there. I would never get excited about these things, I would just kinda brush it off.

These men are ridiculous. I loved my ex with all my heart. I gave my heart to him, but I can't stand those mixed signals or his whishy washyness. Our exes should just meet up and get together, they both OBVIOUSLY want the same thing and they both sure act the same!

-Alex

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anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:03am
It is uncanny how much I can relate to you. It sounds like we are dating the exact same personality. The only reason I clicked on your story was because of the title. I have identical mixed signals which leave me feeling like a crazy person; elated when he throws a little attention my way, ripping my hair out and climbing the walls when I get cold voice on the phone. My guy broke up with me six months ago. It took me five months to finally be able to sleep in the middle of the bed. It's been painfully cyclical. Just when I begin to heal, he comes back around and we go out (or stay in) once or twice a week. Little by little, I have come to terms with how things are through time and now realize that he has his own financial/emotional deal to work out. The casual thing at first was so belittling to me. It was so hard to go backwards to a level not even highschool romances were, where we would go for days without speaking. I would say that just being cool and friendly is the way to approach our fickle men. Maybe they'll come around...or maybe we'll find someone who will make us forget them. To love without keeping is new territory for us and oh so wierd. As unconventional as it is, if we keep our minds light and flirtatious, it can be fun. The best thing to do, I discovered, is to treat him lovingly, as you would any boyfriend, and watch his internal torment. I decided to act based on my feelings for him, not from his cues or lack thereof. After all, our feelings are all we've got to go on when they're not giving up theirs. We're not seeing the same dude, are we?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:14am

I'm reading y'all's posts and it's like my relationship is passing before my eyes!

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