Mixed signals

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Mixed signals
68
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:14pm

I've been seeing someone for four months. Amazing guy, we started off casually dating and I told him I needed more. After not hearing from him for a few days (and thinking everything was over) I heard from him and he asked me to come to his place and spend the weekend. It was amazing, he made dinner, we talked, it could not have been more perfect. Everything changed after that, we spoke every day, several times a day, sent txts, it really seemd like things were at a different level. We spent more time together and he went out of his way to make everyhting special. We live in different states so it wasn't easy to see each other all the time but the time we spent together was always great. We really had a greatconnection and I found myself realizing that I had never felt this way before and after a string of bad relationships, that maybe, I had found someone to be with and be happy. In fact, one day we were hanging up the phone and I clicked off, I heard him say he loved me...so hello, thinking things are going well.

Well, guess I was wrong. I had some surgery recently and he made no effort to drive down to see me and cancelled movie plans on the last minute for the third time in a row and finally, feeling really hurt because I had not seen him in weeks, I left him a message where I asked, does it even matter to you that we haven't seen each other in so long? I heard nothing from him, not one peep, for almost a week and was a total wreck. Finally, and this may have been dumb of me, but I called and asked if we could talk. He asked me to come over and while I was there he talked about how he liked me but he told me inn the beginning that he just wanted to be casual and I was now the one changing my mind. He also said that it he hadn't responded to my message because he didn't know what to say and still didn't. He said I was taking things more seriously than he was and he was sorry he hurt me. What it comes down to is he wants a girlfriend, but one he doesn't have to label as one or feel obligated to while he takes care of some personal goals he wants to reach before "settling down." I don't think he even realizes that this is what he was saying, but it was. He also kept saying that if I lived closer to him things would probably be different, but why should I move on a whim if he can't even state beyond a "probably" that things would be different.

We spoke for a while and how things were left were that we would still be friends and we would see what happened from there. He asked me to call him this week. Honestly, I felt really good about how things ended and could deal with the outcome just fine, but it seems he is still doing his mixed signals routine. He was cold on the phone when we spoke a few days later, but asked me to call back again. I've been confused all week but didn't plan on picking up the phone. Then he rang me out of the blue yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. When our call ended, he asked me to call him that night. It compeltely threw me and last night I sent him a message acknowledging that things have been akward on the phone both times we spoke but restating that I do want to keep the friendship if that is what he still wants, but that I need to know one way or the other. Basically that we need to clear the air once and for all. I told him whatever his decision was, let me know and I'd respect his choice, no questions. Once again, no response.

I am stung, but ready to move on to being alone again...but still I'm wondering, what the heck is up with this? Do I need to just be patient or is he really in full-on Peter Pan mode and has no clue of what he wants himself? Either way, I'm sick of crying and wish I could hate him right now, but I can't. Advice on how to move on when you can't hate the person you were dating and the mere thought of him makes you cry like an idiot?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:15am

I approached the situation just like you did. In the past, I always put a guard up to prevent from getting hurt. My ex and I played alot of mind games with each other when we were first dating. Hot/cold, warm/cool, it was all very frustrating. When he would show signs that he cared about me, I threw the games out the window. At least on my part. He told me he couldn't stand it when girls played games, and it wasn't any fun for me either, so I just acted on how I felt.

But these signals we are receiving...THOSE feel like games to me. I just couldn't stand the mixed signals anymore and after a huge fight when he suggested we break up, I couldn't agree faster. I miss him alot because although our relationship may not have been the healthiest, we had a great time together. But honestly I could not stand how much he affected my emotions when he would be so loving to me one day and then the next day be completely cool and remind me that we're a casual couple.

-Alex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:56am

"The only one that should suffer from a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship"- Miranda from Sex and the City.

God how true does that sound?! Just because our exes had issues with their previous girlfriends and with their smothers, they freak out and are completely paranoid that we are trying to clamp a leash on them.

Men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 2:25am

Crazy exes and smothers, yeah, that about sums it up!

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 3:22am

Oh please Sandra- the more the merrier =]

I just think it's funny how similar men can be! I mean our situations are all almost identical, it's ridiculous.

But you know, I don't think commitment is an issue here. I think these guys are afraid that if they commit it will open up a whole sea of feelings, which they can't deal with. They are SO afraid to open up and let themselves love like we do because they don't know how to deal with such intense feelings.

It is rough for both partners I think. For the time being I am planning on enjoying myself as a person and trying to have the most fun possible, WITHOUT HIM.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 4:15am
Do yourself a big favor....get over him! Do you really want to be friends with someone who didn't even care about you enough to call you when you were ill?? None of my friends would act that way. You should have higher expectations for friends and boyfriends.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:06am
It sounds like this man has other people in his life that he is dating. Perhaps you may want to rethink your exclusivity with him. He is not as emotionally invested in the relationship as you are. This is difficult, I know, but try to put some balance and distance between you both. If you are sure that you want more from him; be clear about your boundaries and the status of his feelings for you. If you want more and he doesn't; then it may be best for you to date other people as well. I'll pray for you!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:20am
Coming from a recent breakup, and having to still see the person daily, I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through because he does the same exact thing.
It sounds like you were in the relationship and playing by his rules, and you're doing it still now. He didn't come to visit for your surgery, send flowers, meet you halfway, you had to make the efforts. Now he's in control of the situation again.... calling, not calling, leaving you to wonder. And most likely, though it leaves you a wreck, he's not as bothered by it all. It's best to just cut all ties. I know, this sounds harsh, but even if he wants a friendship, it might not be the best thing for you, just judging by the confusion you're experiencing. Who cares if he wants a friendship right now.... when you're ready and truly over the relationship, if he's still okay with it, then he's worth becomming friends with anyway. Friendships between exes doesn't always happen right away, so give it some time and space for you, not for him. He's still making you work on his timeline right now, make yourself your number one priority, and give it time. Time, and taking his number out of my phone, name off my list, etc. is what is working. Good luck!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:00pm
Hey gals, I had a man like that too. I am 6 months into getting over him. I have more good days than I use to, but I still have those bad, bad days too. Those days where I wonder what I should have done differently. Where I went wrong, did I over react to his coolness. The thing is I broke up with him because I couldn't stand the cold!!! It hurt and I felt punished. He was warm and delicious, he said fabulous things to me that made me float. He was the one pursued and then he get and would be horrible. He contacts me trying to be friends now. On good days I think "sure I can handle it, afterall I love to be with him" but on the bad days I KNOW that I can't be friends with him because he is not the kind of real friend that I would have in my life. It is just a desire and a wish that I could keep the warmth in him and get rid or that awful cold thing that happens to him. I miss him more than anything. I can't tell you how Sex and the City saved me in those first months and even now. Best to all of you. As for me, I think it is not better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all. I am done for a good long while.
Mo
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:02pm

Yeah, here I was thinking my relationship with him was so unique, and come to find out it's practically a play-by-play repeat of so many other relationship dramas where fear of commitment is an issue.

Myspace Codes

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:58pm

Alex, Sandra, and all guests who responded last night and this morning...

THANK YOU! It is good to know I'm not alone, even though it technically means that right now we are all unhappy and that is saddening. I'm not quite ready to delete him from my cell yet, but he has been reduced to a most unflattering name to be moved down my directory list so I don't see him every time I open my address book. PLUS, if he does ring again, I'll have a special reminder to give him both barrels before I even pick up the phone! haha.

This morning was hard because around that time he calls every Saturday to say hi and make plans, I kinda started feeling bad. But I didn't call him and while it hurts, I don't want to either. The more I think about it, the more my usual sense of self (basically my inner b$%^h) is saying "Let me come out to play again. You deserve better than some silly git who says one thing and then does another. You who doesn't take anyone's nonsense is all of a sudden caring what a boy thinks? What is up with that?"

Clearly I shouldn't have given my inner voice a vacation in the first place and the return of my sense of humor and my usual attitude starting make its way home again lets me know I'll be just fine. He is after all, just a boy. A boy not deserving of me wasting my energy to worry about.

If he ever tries to get in touch with me again, he'll be in for a big surprise. It's not his ballgame anymore.

Pages