Mixed signals

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Mixed signals
68
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:14pm

I've been seeing someone for four months. Amazing guy, we started off casually dating and I told him I needed more. After not hearing from him for a few days (and thinking everything was over) I heard from him and he asked me to come to his place and spend the weekend. It was amazing, he made dinner, we talked, it could not have been more perfect. Everything changed after that, we spoke every day, several times a day, sent txts, it really seemd like things were at a different level. We spent more time together and he went out of his way to make everyhting special. We live in different states so it wasn't easy to see each other all the time but the time we spent together was always great. We really had a greatconnection and I found myself realizing that I had never felt this way before and after a string of bad relationships, that maybe, I had found someone to be with and be happy. In fact, one day we were hanging up the phone and I clicked off, I heard him say he loved me...so hello, thinking things are going well.

Well, guess I was wrong. I had some surgery recently and he made no effort to drive down to see me and cancelled movie plans on the last minute for the third time in a row and finally, feeling really hurt because I had not seen him in weeks, I left him a message where I asked, does it even matter to you that we haven't seen each other in so long? I heard nothing from him, not one peep, for almost a week and was a total wreck. Finally, and this may have been dumb of me, but I called and asked if we could talk. He asked me to come over and while I was there he talked about how he liked me but he told me inn the beginning that he just wanted to be casual and I was now the one changing my mind. He also said that it he hadn't responded to my message because he didn't know what to say and still didn't. He said I was taking things more seriously than he was and he was sorry he hurt me. What it comes down to is he wants a girlfriend, but one he doesn't have to label as one or feel obligated to while he takes care of some personal goals he wants to reach before "settling down." I don't think he even realizes that this is what he was saying, but it was. He also kept saying that if I lived closer to him things would probably be different, but why should I move on a whim if he can't even state beyond a "probably" that things would be different.

We spoke for a while and how things were left were that we would still be friends and we would see what happened from there. He asked me to call him this week. Honestly, I felt really good about how things ended and could deal with the outcome just fine, but it seems he is still doing his mixed signals routine. He was cold on the phone when we spoke a few days later, but asked me to call back again. I've been confused all week but didn't plan on picking up the phone. Then he rang me out of the blue yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. When our call ended, he asked me to call him that night. It compeltely threw me and last night I sent him a message acknowledging that things have been akward on the phone both times we spoke but restating that I do want to keep the friendship if that is what he still wants, but that I need to know one way or the other. Basically that we need to clear the air once and for all. I told him whatever his decision was, let me know and I'd respect his choice, no questions. Once again, no response.

I am stung, but ready to move on to being alone again...but still I'm wondering, what the heck is up with this? Do I need to just be patient or is he really in full-on Peter Pan mode and has no clue of what he wants himself? Either way, I'm sick of crying and wish I could hate him right now, but I can't. Advice on how to move on when you can't hate the person you were dating and the mere thought of him makes you cry like an idiot?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 2:15pm

Yeah, I agree, plenty of wallowing time has passed.

Myspace Codes

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 2:23pm
Steal away Sandra! :-) We may have our rough days, but really, they are the ones who have lost out on something special. What we lost was 150-200 lbs of dead weight...which means the next guys can just see us better now that no one is blocking the view! haha.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 2:23pm

You know, I did the same thing. My guy is Z in the directory so I don't have to see his name, also, I put his ring as silent so I don't know if he is calling and I am not tempted to answer.

Mo

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anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 4:23pm

I never thought about setting the ring tone silent. Excellent idea, Mo! Thanks. Although I have to wonder aloud...why is these emotionally unvailable boys seem to constantly ring everyone back after being so, well unavailbel to all of us? It's like their dysfunctions never cease and then we end up with crazy dysfunctions of our to match theirs.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 7:18pm

Yeah with my ex, I left a message to him to extend the hand that I am well and happy without him. He told me everything would be aright, as long as he knew that I was happy and healthy. Okay well I'll show him how happy I am! Nothing to rub in his face, but I know he gets crazy jealous just imagining what I'm doing and who I'm with especially.

Once the summer is over and I go back to school (he lives very close to my college), I plan on looking incredibly fabulous and healthy and happy and giving him the biggest smile to show him what he missed out on.

Hope all you ladies are doing well!

-Alex

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:54pm

Erin, you are so right. The truth is, I was a lovely, functional person before I met Greg. I was happy and alive. I never lived with my cell phone in mind. I even left it at home, forgetting to charge it ect... Now his dysfunction has lead to my mania! Though his ring is on silent, I still check every couple of hours. I hate that. I think that I should just pay the $15 and have my number changed. I am working on making myself do that. (do I still long for his calls.... Yes!) Wishing you all well and thanking you for giving me something more to look for than a missed call.

Mo

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anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:12pm

My goal for next week is to not check my IM even once. He is basically the only person I talk to on it and every time I let the login complete on my computer I see if he is on or not...and if he is, then I just log off immediately which looks wimpy and if he isn't then it just makes me think, "hmmm...what is he doing?" Before you know it, I'm halfway to obsessed with beating myself up again.

Just got back from seeing The Break-Up with some friends...bad ending and not so fab a movie, BUT the whole emotionally unvailable guy we all have versions of...totally Vince Vaughn's character. It's worth seeing just for his epiphany moment when the light bulb comes on and he realizes what an idiot he has been to the women in his life. I actually said out loud in the theatre...."Oh NOW he figures it out!" Everyone around me looked at me and laughed...of course the theatre was mostly women so I probably just blurted out what they were all thinking! haha.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:26pm
I saw The Breakup today too. I left feeling a bit low. I can't wait for a year to go by! Then I can laugh at now me. I do wonder how Jennifer Aniston is doing!
I guess once we accept that life is painful, it gets easier.
Mo
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 4:50pm

I have been doing the same thing! I've been completely avoiding IM because my ex is always on while he's at work and I have been trying not to speak to him (although he did IM me the other day for a friendly hello, but that was short and quick) and I don't want him to think that I'm spending my time on the computer checking up on what he's doing (which i have, but that's going to stop).

I liked the ending to the Break-Up. Just think, we are all going through some difficult break ups and sometimes they stay that way for the best.

My only problem that's just driving me crazy:I can't stop thinking about him or us. I've accepted the fact that it's over. I am in no way trying to get him back in my life. But I just can't get him out of my mind! It's terrible. I think about him ALL the time. Everything reminds me of him. He's even in my dreams every single night. Every morning I wake up to realized I dreamed about him, AGAIN. It's getting so annoying, I don't ever remember it being this bad with my last ex boyfriend.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 5:08pm

PMFJI, but why don't you just take him off your buddy list and block him? Seems that would solve the problem...

Sheri

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