Mixed signals

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Mixed signals
68
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:14pm

I've been seeing someone for four months. Amazing guy, we started off casually dating and I told him I needed more. After not hearing from him for a few days (and thinking everything was over) I heard from him and he asked me to come to his place and spend the weekend. It was amazing, he made dinner, we talked, it could not have been more perfect. Everything changed after that, we spoke every day, several times a day, sent txts, it really seemd like things were at a different level. We spent more time together and he went out of his way to make everyhting special. We live in different states so it wasn't easy to see each other all the time but the time we spent together was always great. We really had a greatconnection and I found myself realizing that I had never felt this way before and after a string of bad relationships, that maybe, I had found someone to be with and be happy. In fact, one day we were hanging up the phone and I clicked off, I heard him say he loved me...so hello, thinking things are going well.

Well, guess I was wrong. I had some surgery recently and he made no effort to drive down to see me and cancelled movie plans on the last minute for the third time in a row and finally, feeling really hurt because I had not seen him in weeks, I left him a message where I asked, does it even matter to you that we haven't seen each other in so long? I heard nothing from him, not one peep, for almost a week and was a total wreck. Finally, and this may have been dumb of me, but I called and asked if we could talk. He asked me to come over and while I was there he talked about how he liked me but he told me inn the beginning that he just wanted to be casual and I was now the one changing my mind. He also said that it he hadn't responded to my message because he didn't know what to say and still didn't. He said I was taking things more seriously than he was and he was sorry he hurt me. What it comes down to is he wants a girlfriend, but one he doesn't have to label as one or feel obligated to while he takes care of some personal goals he wants to reach before "settling down." I don't think he even realizes that this is what he was saying, but it was. He also kept saying that if I lived closer to him things would probably be different, but why should I move on a whim if he can't even state beyond a "probably" that things would be different.

We spoke for a while and how things were left were that we would still be friends and we would see what happened from there. He asked me to call him this week. Honestly, I felt really good about how things ended and could deal with the outcome just fine, but it seems he is still doing his mixed signals routine. He was cold on the phone when we spoke a few days later, but asked me to call back again. I've been confused all week but didn't plan on picking up the phone. Then he rang me out of the blue yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. When our call ended, he asked me to call him that night. It compeltely threw me and last night I sent him a message acknowledging that things have been akward on the phone both times we spoke but restating that I do want to keep the friendship if that is what he still wants, but that I need to know one way or the other. Basically that we need to clear the air once and for all. I told him whatever his decision was, let me know and I'd respect his choice, no questions. Once again, no response.

I am stung, but ready to move on to being alone again...but still I'm wondering, what the heck is up with this? Do I need to just be patient or is he really in full-on Peter Pan mode and has no clue of what he wants himself? Either way, I'm sick of crying and wish I could hate him right now, but I can't. Advice on how to move on when you can't hate the person you were dating and the mere thought of him makes you cry like an idiot?

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 5:42pm
it"s a sad situation but one that i can associate with.i went out with a guy who was as confused as that.in the end i realsied that to him,i was just a "booty call".someone he would call when he wanted fun or cheering up.as painful as that was i had to do something to save myself.the painful part was that i really felt for him but i had to let him go.
or face heartache each time i called or he called.
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anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 6:08pm

I know it won't take me a year to get past this, but I also know that when I've broken up with someone before it has never hurt like this. Seriously, I've always just been, "Oh well, that's that," or have been the person that initiated the break so it didn't bother me at all. One time, I went out with friends to celebrate my new freedom for a long weekend!

I just don't understand why I feel so completely broken inside right now. Today has become a bad day on the break-up front for me. This morning I was fine, but I had some freelance work up in his city this morning and without even realizing it, as I headed to the highway once I was done, I realized that I was in his neighborhood. I didn't do a drive-by or anything, but the second I noticed, I felt my throat tighten and eyes tear up, and gee, what a fun ride home that wasn't.

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anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 6:14pm
I can't stop thinking about my ex either Alex...and of course, I've already failed my IM goal...didn't stop my computer from logging in and of course, he is online...I know I won't message him, but oddly, I also can't let myself log off right now, and I'm not ready to delete him yet. I think part of me is waiting for him to IM me. The other part of me knows he won't and doesn't want him too because things will just get worse and I feel I've made a lot of progress this weekend in starting to get over him. Today is just a setback day, that's all. I'm very torn, none the less.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 6:29pm

I think if he had just said to me, "you know, you just aren't who I see myself with long- term," it wouldn't bother me so much. I mean, it would hurt, but I'd be more apt to think "I'll never be what he wants or needs and that is that." But noooooooooooo, he has to go and say things like "If we were meeting in two years (his completely arbitrary 'date' for when he expects his life to be magically perfect-boy oh boy is he in for a surprise), things would be different. Or, his long running, "Move up here so we can be together more. I love being with you."

So instead of feeling like "OK, that's it," I feel more like I want to grab him and shake him and say "Am I what you want or not you stupid git!? Make a decision." Not that it would help because he would just say he doesn't know how to respond because he doesn't know what he wants (can you tell he has done this before already? haha)...and then I'd finally be pushed over the edge and be forced to slap him about the head repeatedly out of sheer frustration...and I hit kinda hard. Although, mildly assaulting him may actually give me some finality and make me feel better...haha.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 6:30pm

Three steps forward, one back.

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anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 6:53pm

Thanks Sandra. I have to say, I did feel good about not doing the drive-by. As I think about it more I realize that my biggest problem is that this is our first real disagreement and instead of talking things through and comprimising and really listening to one another, he just goes all silent and as a result, I just don't know how to respond. Maybe his silence is him just letting me know he is OK with the split, but when we do talk, although it starts off akward, it obvious that we both want to talk but neither of us knows what to say. Really, I'd like to just get it over with and have a big screaming match. We'd both get things off our chest and then, after we said everything we both have to say, we decide from there what we want.

This whole, "I don't know" silent thing is driving me out of my mind, because when we do talk, we don't really say anything about what is going on between us. This has become a giant pink elephant in the room with us. I've tried to talk things out, but then he just shuts down again.

Grrrrrrrrr...............boys...............

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 7:05pm
That was his reaction to your first fight?

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 7:23pm

Sandra, I think he and I are both thinking of this as a split, but neither of us has come right out and said it...especially seeing as we aren't talking.

But honestly, when I think about it, I realize, this is all a HUGE misunderstanding between us and that really we should be talking things through. While I was typing before I just had whole epiphany about the first argument thing but maybe it's just me still clinging to some idiotic hope that he will want to actually talk at some point and maybe we'll get back together.

Or maybe I'm just being overly optimistic and he really is an emotionally stunted, immature manchild who says "let's be casual," then proceeds to acting serious with you and tries to persuade you to move closer to him, and then, for sicko kicks, rips your heart out of your chest for his own entertainment purposes. Thinking of him in this light may actually help me feel better so I maybe I should go with it.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 7:47pm

"But honestly, when I think about it, I realize, this is all a HUGE misunderstanding between us and that really we should be talking things through."


Huh, so now I'm more confused not less. Oy vey! =D

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
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Sun, 06-04-2006 - 8:15pm

Sandra, lol, no confusion, we are split up. I'm assuming I'd have heard from him by now if we weren't. Yes, we are both stubborn, but as time passes from this last conversation, it isn't going to get easier for us to communicate, it will just be harder and harder. The last time we spoke (Thursday) I laid things out for him and said, "If you do want to continue as friends, we can. This decision is yours. I'll abide by whatever you want because I've told you what I want and I want to perserve the friendship." Then he never responded (because...tada...he doesn't know how, according to him.)So he took some time to think it over and later that night I left him a voicemail that said "If I hear from you, great, if not, I wish you every happiness in life."

So I really feel like:

1. I can't reach out to him again and even broach the topic of resolving anything because I'll just look needy, desperate, and insane and no matter how sick I feel right now, I'm none of those things.

2. His silence, while completely indictative of his usual MO of "I don't know" could mean he is waiting for me to reach out again, OR he really is all set...who knows...with him things are frequently inexplicable.

I know one post early on from someone else said "oh no he clearly defined what he wanted and you just didn't want to listen" but in all honesty, it is not so cut and dried with him and his behavior is frequently at total opposition to what he says.

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