Mixed signals

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Mixed signals
68
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:14pm

I've been seeing someone for four months. Amazing guy, we started off casually dating and I told him I needed more. After not hearing from him for a few days (and thinking everything was over) I heard from him and he asked me to come to his place and spend the weekend. It was amazing, he made dinner, we talked, it could not have been more perfect. Everything changed after that, we spoke every day, several times a day, sent txts, it really seemd like things were at a different level. We spent more time together and he went out of his way to make everyhting special. We live in different states so it wasn't easy to see each other all the time but the time we spent together was always great. We really had a greatconnection and I found myself realizing that I had never felt this way before and after a string of bad relationships, that maybe, I had found someone to be with and be happy. In fact, one day we were hanging up the phone and I clicked off, I heard him say he loved me...so hello, thinking things are going well.

Well, guess I was wrong. I had some surgery recently and he made no effort to drive down to see me and cancelled movie plans on the last minute for the third time in a row and finally, feeling really hurt because I had not seen him in weeks, I left him a message where I asked, does it even matter to you that we haven't seen each other in so long? I heard nothing from him, not one peep, for almost a week and was a total wreck. Finally, and this may have been dumb of me, but I called and asked if we could talk. He asked me to come over and while I was there he talked about how he liked me but he told me inn the beginning that he just wanted to be casual and I was now the one changing my mind. He also said that it he hadn't responded to my message because he didn't know what to say and still didn't. He said I was taking things more seriously than he was and he was sorry he hurt me. What it comes down to is he wants a girlfriend, but one he doesn't have to label as one or feel obligated to while he takes care of some personal goals he wants to reach before "settling down." I don't think he even realizes that this is what he was saying, but it was. He also kept saying that if I lived closer to him things would probably be different, but why should I move on a whim if he can't even state beyond a "probably" that things would be different.

We spoke for a while and how things were left were that we would still be friends and we would see what happened from there. He asked me to call him this week. Honestly, I felt really good about how things ended and could deal with the outcome just fine, but it seems he is still doing his mixed signals routine. He was cold on the phone when we spoke a few days later, but asked me to call back again. I've been confused all week but didn't plan on picking up the phone. Then he rang me out of the blue yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. When our call ended, he asked me to call him that night. It compeltely threw me and last night I sent him a message acknowledging that things have been akward on the phone both times we spoke but restating that I do want to keep the friendship if that is what he still wants, but that I need to know one way or the other. Basically that we need to clear the air once and for all. I told him whatever his decision was, let me know and I'd respect his choice, no questions. Once again, no response.

I am stung, but ready to move on to being alone again...but still I'm wondering, what the heck is up with this? Do I need to just be patient or is he really in full-on Peter Pan mode and has no clue of what he wants himself? Either way, I'm sick of crying and wish I could hate him right now, but I can't. Advice on how to move on when you can't hate the person you were dating and the mere thought of him makes you cry like an idiot?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 9:48pm

Erin-

Good for you for leaving that voicemail, because I know I do those things as a sense of catharsis if you will. But honestly, what is he thinking asking for you to wait around until HE'S ready?

I know my guy is hurting and I'm sure yours is too, but again, it's like they're trying to put everything ahead of love. You can't control love or the emotions that it brings and it's cute that these guys think that they're so in control of these things.

I am hoping that one day both our exes will wake up and realize what they missed out on and although this break up sucks, I know I'm never going to look back on this and regret anything I did or say (I was the first one to say the big L word to him, and he said it back during our closure conversation), but they're the ones walking out!

Keep updating!

-Alex

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:18pm

Oh no Alex, my ex's head is as clear as a glass of Evian water, I've just discovered. I fianlly couldn't take it anymore and sent him an IM. See below:

(His name), this whole thing with us for the last two weeks is so stupid and is a HUGE misunderstanding. It is so dumb of us to be hiding from each other in silence and I suspect (yet admit I could be wrong) that you are just as unhappy about this insanity as I am. This is the first real disagreement we’ve ever had so why aren’t we just talking about it openly? We dance around things, neither of us really says anything, and then we retreat into silence, again without really saying to the other what we want or need, or if we are done. While the silence implies we are, is that really the best way for us to deal with this? No matter how amorphous and undefined ‘we’ are and may always be, I still think it is worth it to clear the air and have a rational conversation. We are both acting like children instead of adults.

Here's his response...

hun what are you talking about?

Turns out, this chucklehead thinks everything is hunky dory...should have gone with the instinct to slap him in the head...haha.

I repeat...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, boys................

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:33pm

Hey Erin, is it possible to email you offline?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to:
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:43pm
It sure is, Sandra, I'm e-ing you right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:22am

All I can say is wow. I feel like we are dating the EXACT same person, it's ridiculous. When I went to go see my ex last week I poured my heart out to him expressing every feeling, every fear, every hope to him, just to get it out of my chest. His repsonse? "Nothing's wrong. As long as I know you're alive and happy all is well in the world and the universe is fine". Uhhhh yeah...how wonderful that he is approaching this so upbeat.

Hey Sandra and Erin, you guys seem to be in very simliar situations as me. I would love to email or IM with you guys to talk more about this in detail, let me know if either of you are interested!

-Alex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to:
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:41am

email me thru the profile, and i'll give you my AIM.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to:
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 9:35am

Hi Alex,

Sure, I'd love to continue chattng offline. I tried to e-mail you but you have the feature turned off on your profile. Go to my profile and you should be able to e-mail me and I'll send you my AIM name once I get your e-mail. Talk to you soon.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
In reply to:
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 1:03pm
same here, i just tried to email you through profile and it says you turned that feature off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to:
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:42pm
I just sent you my info Alex. Talk to you soon.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:33am
Does this mean you won't be posting to this anymore? I have looked forward to this page. I will miss the exchange. It certainly has helped me in the last week. Mo

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