Mixed signals

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Mixed signals
68
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:14pm

I've been seeing someone for four months. Amazing guy, we started off casually dating and I told him I needed more. After not hearing from him for a few days (and thinking everything was over) I heard from him and he asked me to come to his place and spend the weekend. It was amazing, he made dinner, we talked, it could not have been more perfect. Everything changed after that, we spoke every day, several times a day, sent txts, it really seemd like things were at a different level. We spent more time together and he went out of his way to make everyhting special. We live in different states so it wasn't easy to see each other all the time but the time we spent together was always great. We really had a greatconnection and I found myself realizing that I had never felt this way before and after a string of bad relationships, that maybe, I had found someone to be with and be happy. In fact, one day we were hanging up the phone and I clicked off, I heard him say he loved me...so hello, thinking things are going well.

Well, guess I was wrong. I had some surgery recently and he made no effort to drive down to see me and cancelled movie plans on the last minute for the third time in a row and finally, feeling really hurt because I had not seen him in weeks, I left him a message where I asked, does it even matter to you that we haven't seen each other in so long? I heard nothing from him, not one peep, for almost a week and was a total wreck. Finally, and this may have been dumb of me, but I called and asked if we could talk. He asked me to come over and while I was there he talked about how he liked me but he told me inn the beginning that he just wanted to be casual and I was now the one changing my mind. He also said that it he hadn't responded to my message because he didn't know what to say and still didn't. He said I was taking things more seriously than he was and he was sorry he hurt me. What it comes down to is he wants a girlfriend, but one he doesn't have to label as one or feel obligated to while he takes care of some personal goals he wants to reach before "settling down." I don't think he even realizes that this is what he was saying, but it was. He also kept saying that if I lived closer to him things would probably be different, but why should I move on a whim if he can't even state beyond a "probably" that things would be different.

We spoke for a while and how things were left were that we would still be friends and we would see what happened from there. He asked me to call him this week. Honestly, I felt really good about how things ended and could deal with the outcome just fine, but it seems he is still doing his mixed signals routine. He was cold on the phone when we spoke a few days later, but asked me to call back again. I've been confused all week but didn't plan on picking up the phone. Then he rang me out of the blue yesterday to check in and see how I was doing. When our call ended, he asked me to call him that night. It compeltely threw me and last night I sent him a message acknowledging that things have been akward on the phone both times we spoke but restating that I do want to keep the friendship if that is what he still wants, but that I need to know one way or the other. Basically that we need to clear the air once and for all. I told him whatever his decision was, let me know and I'd respect his choice, no questions. Once again, no response.

I am stung, but ready to move on to being alone again...but still I'm wondering, what the heck is up with this? Do I need to just be patient or is he really in full-on Peter Pan mode and has no clue of what he wants himself? Either way, I'm sick of crying and wish I could hate him right now, but I can't. Advice on how to move on when you can't hate the person you were dating and the mere thought of him makes you cry like an idiot?

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 1:01pm

Hi Mo, well we figured we could take things offline to not clog up the board, but yes, we can still talk if you want. Here's my update from the weekend. My ex and I got in touch and had a loooonnnnnggg talk. We realized that we both made mistakes, apologized to one another, and agreed that we wanted to wipe the slate clean and start over, no pressure on either of us for anything other than to just get to know each other again and enjoy one another's company. Really just take everything one day at a time. We may decide to just become friends or down the road we may realize we want something more, but right now, we know we are both not ready to say good-bye and care about one another enough that we want to work at finding what is going to work best for us in the long run.

I'm nervous about it, but I have to say, I'm also happy because he had no hesitation to saying let's try again and knowing he wants to work things out shows me that he does care, which is all I ever really wanted to know all along.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 1:35pm

Just a quick reminder to those who do have iVillage screen names to remember to log in and post with your screen name showing otherwise members won't realize that it's you because your post will show as 'guest'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:44pm

oh my god your a libra...me too girl...WHAT UP WITH ALL THE LIBRA'S WHY WE ALWAYS FALL WITH THE WRONG PERSON...DONT TELL ME YOUR EX'S SIGN IS CAPRICORN, TAURUS OR ARIES. IF EVER I KNOW WHY YOU GUYS DIDNT LAST...

ALSO WHY LIBRA'S FALL SO FAST...WE TRUST PEOPLE THAT QUICK.

WE HAVE SIMILAR STORY THAT MY EXBF AT FIRST HIS ALL NICE AND EVERYTHING..BUT THE DIFFERENT IS AT THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP I ASK HIM. IF HE WANT A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP AND HE SAID YES. BUT I DONT KNOW SINCE HE FIND A NEW JOB (GRAVEYARD SCHEDULE)
THINGS STARTED TO CHANGE.

AT FIRST I'M TRYING TO BE PATIENCE...LIKE OUR SIGN (SCALE)..I TRY TO BALANCE THINGS OUT...BUT IT GET ME TO THE POINT THAT I CANT DO IT ANYMORE....I'M READY TO EXPLODE AND HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND ME IF I TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS. HE DOESNT WANNA HEAR IT.

WE LAST FOR 6MONTHS...AND NOW ITS ABOUT 2MTHS SINCE WE BROKE UP. I MISS HIM AND I KNOW IF I CALL HIM THINGS WILL BE OKAY..BUT NOPE I WANT HIM TO CALL ME AND THATS NOT POSSIBLE THIS EXBF OF MINE IS THE PERSON HAVE A HIGGER "EGO". TRUST ME

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:58pm

Oh yes, I'm a Libra...with a Taurus rising...so my sense of Libra balance and Taurus stubbornenss fight regularly...which is why sometimes I just can't stand being around myself...haha. The guy I've been dating is a Virgo. We really need to find a way to communicate better because while we are really compatible on many levels (interests, education, etc.,) and our conversations are usually quite easygoing with each other, we are both stubborn and can close off from one another when times for tough discussions happen.

I do want to find a balance here, whatever it is. I'd love for things to work out with us and think it is a good sign that we have decided to work on this together. BUT, I know I have to stay prepared that things may head south too. So I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high.

Thanks for your good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 3:28pm

HI ERI929

THANKS FOR REPLYING...so the guy that your dating is virgo...my sister is virgo and some reason sometimes we get along and later we argue little things. ofcourse virgo always wants to be right. but actually i dated virgo too. his sweet and he even remember sending flowers on our monthsary. well i'm not that in to him. i just like his company. but i ended the relationship coz i dont want to be unfair for him.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 4:41pm

Thanks Jazz Meeh. I get along pretty well with Virgos. I'm extremely organized and neat so we tend to like each other because most Virgos are that way too. haha.

We had our first 'normal' conversation last night for the first time in two weeks. There was no tension, we were joking around, and it felt right between us again. Little steps like that help me be guardedly hopeful that eventually we'll get back on track.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 7:24pm

i'm happy for you erin...well atleast your not one of us who's desperate to talk to their X's. well actually in relationship atleast one of you need to swallow that pride..right? i always do. you know whats up with libra's..down to earth.

but now i'm so tired of it and i think since i dated this guy he only swallow his pride onces and thats it. so everytime me and my exbf breaking up. we dont talk for a while and after few days i will call him and actually he has pride but if i call him he seems okay and you know the routine "get back together again".

at this point i want him to swallow his pride and if he really wants to be with me. he will make a way..right? actually thats so in possible. coz kinda did something that i shouldnt. well his kinda accusing me of cheating that was the time me and my exbf breaking up. i got annoyed to him and admitted EVEN ITS NOT TRUE...JUST TO SHOT HIS MOUTH..I TOLD HIM WITH TEN DIFF GUYS...LOL

SO WE DIDNT COMMUNICATE FOR ABOUT 2MTHS NOW. LATELY I FIND OUT THAT HIS DATING SOMEONE. OUR FRIEND SAID THAT MY EXBF TOLD HIM THAT HIS NOT SERIOUS WITH HER. YAH RIGHT!!!

I KINDA GET UPSET SO I DID SOMETHING "AGAIN" THAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO...I ASK OUR FRIEND TO TELL MY EXBF THAT HE SAW ME WITH A GUY AND INTRO THAT GUY AS MY BF. MY FRIEND TOLD ME THAT MY EXBF SEEM SAD.

WHAT FUNNY IS WHEN ME AND HIM BREAKING UP..I TOLD MY X THAT I DONT WANT TO DATE UNDER GUY ONLY HIM AND I DONT LIKE KEEP ON CHANGING RELATIONSHIP.

SO NOW I'M ASSUMING HE WILL NEVER CALL ME ANYMORE. LIKE MY FRIEND TOLD ME YOU SEND HIM AWAY MORE AND NOW HE'LL THINK MORE THAT YOU ARE A CHEATER. ACTUALLY MY X HAS A HISTORY THAT THE EXWIFE CHEATED ON HIM.

WELL IT IS HIS FAULT THATS WHY SHE CHEATED. HE RATHER BE OUT WITH FRIENDS THAN STAYING WITH HIS FAMILY SO I GUESS SHE GOT FED UP.

ANYWAYS GIRL GOOD LUCK WITH YOU....KEEP US POSTED OKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to:
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 9:41pm

It's been a rough week and I'm thinking that things are not going to work on the reconciliation front, but at least I feel like I did my best to try and make things right. That is a huge first for me. The week started off well with us talking and things felt 'right' again and I really thought we would be able to get back on track. He and I both seemed to be on the same page with wanting to try. That first conversation after we made up, it was like nothing had gone wrong. It was fab. But since then, we've had two more conversations and he has been very distant.

I've been giving him his space and let things go slow, but I also feel like I'm not going to beat my head up a against a wall. He is saying one thing and doing another. Telling me he wants to make it work and start fresh but then, the last time we talked he was very cool and distant and I felt like even though he called, that I was the one pushing the conversation, we had no true give and take. There I am asking him about his day and whatnot and he is telling me, but that's it, he wasn't responding in kind at all asking me about my day or anything. I found myself getting annoyed because he knew I had a follow-up doctor's appoinment earlier in the day on which we spoke, but he never asked me a single thing about how it went, my day, or anything. I'm holding the phone thinking... "Why am I even trying? He keeps saying he cares and then does stuff like this." Initially I thought, well this is part of the process and he did say he wanted us to stay together, but now I'm thinking, that this whole thing was just another nightmare in my magnificently horrific dating career and yet another shining example of why I stopped dating in the first place.

Knowing it will take time to get things back to normal and that I might have to take a few lumps in the process is one thing, but feeling like the effort is one sided is another. If I don't hear from him, I've decided that is it and I'll let things go. It will be sad because we were great together, but like I said, at least I know I tried to set things right between us.

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