Mom dies; he doesn't call

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2013
Mom dies; he doesn't call
5
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 7:56pm

I am thinking of finally leaving my husband of 30 years.  Last Sunday, my mom passed on.  I was with her out of state to comfort her in her last days.  The entire month that I was away not once did my husband initiate a phone call to comfort me or to check on my mom.  When my mom passed on I phoned my husband -- it was my duty as well as it was for my need for comfort.  The next day was my 55th birthday.  My husband did not call me.  Flowers arrived, but the card said from my daughters.  My husband later said the florist left out his name (this probably did happen).  He knew the flowers had arrived because I let one of my daughters know.  He says he had expected me to call once I got the flowers.  I say, under these circumstances, he should have called.  And given that he did not call on his own in the prior 30 days, the behavior was already set.  He's now telling me that I am at fault.  What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 10:04pm

Well I am assuming that this is not the only reason for you to want to leave your DH after 30 yrs--if that was it, I would say that you are over-reacting.  Yes, he should have been calling you regularly, but is he generally not supportive and there for you in times of need or is this unusual behavior from him?  Are there other things that are wrong with your marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 11:17pm

Yes it does sound like there were problems in the thirty years of marriage. I would doubt someone out of the blue treats you like this but hey maybe your husband was good for awhile and then he changed? is that what happened?

Well we will wait until you come back and give some more information. Its hard to tell what is going on just based on this one post.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 12:02am

I think something is definitely not right here. Not calling you for a month whilst you're taking care of your dying mother and then his name being left off the flowers. I guess it could happen, but in my opinion it would be very rare for a florist not to write out the card just the way it was dictated to them. I say this because I've sent a lot of flowers to female relatives for birthdays, funerals, etc. from different florists and they usually always read the card back to you to make sure the order is right and noone gets left off and left unhappy. Definitely not good for ensuring future business. How was your marriage before this all happened? Did you notice a change in his attitude towards you in the months before you left? Or has he always been this uncaring? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2013
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 9:44pm

There are longstanding issues in my marriage. I have just wondered what is the straw that finally breaks the camel's back. I think difficulties stem from about 10 years ago where I had to put my foot down for some really obnoxious and or dangerous behaviors, namely drinking that I thought would endanger the children. At that point, he really seemed to adopt an attitude of indifference toward me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 12:49pm

Only you can know if this was the straw!  If he's been indifferent to you for 10 years, why would you think he would suddenly change?  Did he stop drinking when you had the "blowout" over it?  Does he still drink?  How was he endangering the children?  Driving drunk with them in the car?  That should't have been allowed!  So now he's indifferent......and doesn't call to ask about your mother, and/or ignores your birthday......or says the florist messed up.......I find that hard to believe!  Your daughters should be adults by now, did you ask THEM about the flowers.  Why would an indifferent man send you flowers anyway? 

If you're in an unhappy marriage, you have two choices....stay in it or get out of it, and you're the only one who can make that decision.  It's not like you have small children to worry about.  Can you support yourself if you get a divorce?  Most states don't allow alimony anymore unless you're disabled and can't work.  Will you have a place to live?  Do your children still live with you?  If so, then you should be able to keep the house.......but these are all things you have to decide on your own.  If you need advice, find a lawyer who can help you figure out what you'll have to do.....and then do what you need to do to be happy! 

 

Divorce is a scary thing, especially after you've been married for a long time, but being miserable all the time isn't much fun, either.  You have to make the decision for yourself, no one else can do that, not him, not your daughters.......just you!