monday would have been our anniversary
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monday would have been our anniversary
| Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:04pm |
So, this coming Monday, June 14, that would have been our 2 year anniversary. But, actually, we never celebrated our 1 year anniversary, he broke up with me one week before. I just have very mixed feelings about the approaching date, and how I'll feel. I wonder if I should expect to hear from my ex. I have to say, I am still pretty shocked that, after the reasons why I left him (his non-response and selfishness during my cancer scare), I've never heard from him to say he's sorry, to argue/resist the breakup, to want to get back together, not even for a booty call : ) Was I the only one in love? I can say I'm about 99.9% sure I won't hear from him ever again. It's so sad, really. Do you think he'll even think about our anniversary, or am I totally out of sight and out of mind now? I shouldn't care, and it's not exactly tearing me up (well, I'll get back to you on Monday about how I feel then), but I can't help but wonder if he just put it all out of his mind and really is out partying without a care or thought for me. I guess I should be, too, but almost 2 years of falling in love, weathering some serious life storms (bar exams, my divorce, starting our careers, a breakup, my cancer thing), the laughter, tears, joy, pain, all of that just ended, not with a bang but with a whimper, to paraphrase TS Eliot. Actually, not even with a whimper, just in deafening silence. I guess I'm still stinging from his comment that our whole relationship was "awful" and something he's trying to forget even happened. I've never ended a relationship that way, have always ultimately reached a place where the ex and I can acknowledge what we had and how much we meant to each other, but that we just couldn't keep on for the long term for whatever the specific reasons were. I've never had someone just throw it all in my face and tell me it was worthless and awful and not worth remembering or commemorating. I think that will make this anniversary thing difficult, because it will certainly mean more to me than to him, and maybe it *all* meant more to me than to him, and I feel like I was cheated out of years of having a true relationship with someone who valued me, but at the same time I remember it as being a good and valuable relationship most of the time. It's like contemplating time travel or something, the picture keeps shifting on me, from feeling sad and nostalgic to just angry and bitter, confused and disappointed, something. It's like the ending makes me question the reality of everything before, question my perception of all of it. It shouldn't matter what it meant to him, but for some reason it still does.

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Hi Milton
I have these exact same thoughts. I was the one who decided to leave and I think about her all the time and how nice it would be to talk to her again. I'd love to call her on special occaisions just to say hi and I'd love to have a chance to say I'm sorry. I know she will never call me. What stops me from calling her is fear. She probably hates me for what I've done and to hear her tell me she doesn't want to talk to me and it's best I don't call anymore would kill me. I don't know if I could handle her telling me she has a new love and it's inappropriate I contact her. I'm not seeing anyone but even if I were I think I'd still have the desire to talk to her about things, just to see how things are with her and tell her I'm sorry. It's plain ol' fear that stops me.
Monday will probably be a tough day for you but you already know you'll get through it just fine. I just had a special day pass by and afterward I was a little euphoric because I had accomplished another task, jumped a major hurdle, and came out unscathed. You'll probably feel the same way on tuesday.
CB
Edited 6/10/2004 11:34 am ET ET by canadianbill
I too have an anniversary coming up soon...I too ask myself many of the questions you are asking. Unfortunately, I don't believe my ex probably thinks about me/us at all. When I have questions about what she is thinking, I just try to remember how I felt when I ended a relationship. At first there are regrets, some questions, some pain, some nostalgia, but ultimately there is the realization that right/wrong the relationship is over. I think about past relationships often, but it is usually just a passing thought, without a whole lot of emotion attached. When I think that my ex probably feels this way, it breaks my heart, but it is reality. I truly believe that she never thinks about me. I hope you make it throught Monday without too much pain....
MB
I can tell you this, when a man runs from someone he loves because they are in dire straits, it's because he has issues, probably brought on as a child from something. I would never and I repeat, NEVER! Be able to live with the fact that I deserted my girlfriend with a cancer scare, or any health issue. I used to go with my ex girlfriend to every doctors appointment and when she was diagnosed with endometriosis, I went through all the visits holding her hand.
All I can say about him and what he might be thinking, is how sorry a guy he was to you. He probably feels that pang of guilt everytime your name comes up, or something reminds him of you. Instead of facing the music, he's running from it. Most people in this world would rather do that. It's a rare thing to meet someone who will eat a piece of humble pie and face up to the wrongs they have done.
I wish you luck in the future and I'm very sorry for your hurts. Trust me when I say that I know your pain and constant sense of wondering. It's sad when one leaves and the other stays behind.
Sincerely,
David
Blazefighter348@aol.com
I broke up with my ex of 2 years about a year and a half ago and it's taken seeing him a couple times and talking again to actually get that closure. Calling your ex is not always a bad idea (if enough time has passed). Sometimes it helps with the closure. I cried the first time I saw him after we broke up, even though I knew I wasn't in love with him, it was hard. But the second, third and fourth times it was so much easier and has helped me move on.
Good luck, sweetie, and take care,
Alicea
Edited 6/10/2004 7:06 pm ET ET by milton333
Edited 6/10/2004 7:13 pm ET ET by milton333
I was actually ill all day yesterday, I thought I could handle the anniversary thing but my body was telling me differently. It reminded me of when I took the bar exam - I was confident, sure that I knew everything I needed to know, but couldn't stop throwing up, it was like there was a disconnect between my conscious mind and my body. So, yesterday was not a good day. I really thought this morning, though, that I would move on to a new day and a new phase of life, that the anniversary really was the end of all of it, that I could just wrap it up in my mind and tuck it away and not let it eat at me anymore.
What the hell does he want? What could that email say? Honestly, it's making me ill again just seeing it sitting there. I don't want to read it, really I don't. I don't think it will be good for me, I think it will be a setback, can I just ignore it and pretend I never saw it there? I'm not sure if I can just delete it, though. Advice, anyone?
Courtney
CB
Oh, and let us know what he had to say ;)
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