monday would have been our anniversary

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Registered: 04-08-2004
monday would have been our anniversary
13
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:04pm
So, this coming Monday, June 14, that would have been our 2 year anniversary. But, actually, we never celebrated our 1 year anniversary, he broke up with me one week before. I just have very mixed feelings about the approaching date, and how I'll feel. I wonder if I should expect to hear from my ex. I have to say, I am still pretty shocked that, after the reasons why I left him (his non-response and selfishness during my cancer scare), I've never heard from him to say he's sorry, to argue/resist the breakup, to want to get back together, not even for a booty call : ) Was I the only one in love? I can say I'm about 99.9% sure I won't hear from him ever again. It's so sad, really. Do you think he'll even think about our anniversary, or am I totally out of sight and out of mind now? I shouldn't care, and it's not exactly tearing me up (well, I'll get back to you on Monday about how I feel then), but I can't help but wonder if he just put it all out of his mind and really is out partying without a care or thought for me. I guess I should be, too, but almost 2 years of falling in love, weathering some serious life storms (bar exams, my divorce, starting our careers, a breakup, my cancer thing), the laughter, tears, joy, pain, all of that just ended, not with a bang but with a whimper, to paraphrase TS Eliot. Actually, not even with a whimper, just in deafening silence. I guess I'm still stinging from his comment that our whole relationship was "awful" and something he's trying to forget even happened. I've never ended a relationship that way, have always ultimately reached a place where the ex and I can acknowledge what we had and how much we meant to each other, but that we just couldn't keep on for the long term for whatever the specific reasons were. I've never had someone just throw it all in my face and tell me it was worthless and awful and not worth remembering or commemorating. I think that will make this anniversary thing difficult, because it will certainly mean more to me than to him, and maybe it *all* meant more to me than to him, and I feel like I was cheated out of years of having a true relationship with someone who valued me, but at the same time I remember it as being a good and valuable relationship most of the time. It's like contemplating time travel or something, the picture keeps shifting on me, from feeling sad and nostalgic to just angry and bitter, confused and disappointed, something. It's like the ending makes me question the reality of everything before, question my perception of all of it. It shouldn't matter what it meant to him, but for some reason it still does.

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Registered: 06-01-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 11:27am
*I just have very mixed feelings about the approaching date, and how I'll feel. I wonder if I should expect to hear from my ex. I have to say, I am still pretty shocked that, after the reasons why I left him (his non-response and selfishness during my cancer scare), I've never heard from him to say he's sorry, to argue/resist the breakup, to want to get back together, not even for a booty call : ) Was I the only one in love? I can say I'm about 99.9% sure I won't hear from him ever again. It's so sad, really. Do you think he'll even think about our anniversary, or am I totally out of sight and out of mind now?*

Hi Milton

I have these exact same thoughts. I was the one who decided to leave and I think about her all the time and how nice it would be to talk to her again. I'd love to call her on special occaisions just to say hi and I'd love to have a chance to say I'm sorry. I know she will never call me. What stops me from calling her is fear. She probably hates me for what I've done and to hear her tell me she doesn't want to talk to me and it's best I don't call anymore would kill me. I don't know if I could handle her telling me she has a new love and it's inappropriate I contact her. I'm not seeing anyone but even if I were I think I'd still have the desire to talk to her about things, just to see how things are with her and tell her I'm sorry. It's plain ol' fear that stops me.

Monday will probably be a tough day for you but you already know you'll get through it just fine. I just had a special day pass by and afterward I was a little euphoric because I had accomplished another task, jumped a major hurdle, and came out unscathed. You'll probably feel the same way on tuesday.

CB


Edited 6/10/2004 11:34 am ET ET by canadianbill

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Registered: 05-28-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:41pm
Milton,

I too have an anniversary coming up soon...I too ask myself many of the questions you are asking. Unfortunately, I don't believe my ex probably thinks about me/us at all. When I have questions about what she is thinking, I just try to remember how I felt when I ended a relationship. At first there are regrets, some questions, some pain, some nostalgia, but ultimately there is the realization that right/wrong the relationship is over. I think about past relationships often, but it is usually just a passing thought, without a whole lot of emotion attached. When I think that my ex probably feels this way, it breaks my heart, but it is reality. I truly believe that she never thinks about me. I hope you make it throught Monday without too much pain....

MB
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Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:37pm
I will say this, which is what contributes to my ambivalence. We broke up once before (he left) and we got back together after just over 2 months. He said he initially felt good, relieved, sad, whatever. But, over time, he just thought more and more that he was making a mistake, that the "problem" that led to the breakup was something we should try to work out before just giving up, that he missed me and realized he still loved me. He said he tried to date, but every girl was not me, blah blah blah. So, I guess I have what may be unrealistic hope that he's just off somewhere thinking it all over. He's done it before. I know, though, that after the way we left it (he wasn't supportive during my cancer scare, but he "hated" me for ending the relationship), it's not that likely. I don't know, I guess I've also always thought that relationships that ended "hot," on an intense note, not because the love or passion fizzled out but because the parties really fought on an issue, there's always a spark still there. Alright, no more dreaming, but anyway, that's the other element to the puzzle for me, our prior makeup.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:28pm
I remember one of your first posts, I think I even replied to it. I'm really sorry to see that someone who has done so much to you, is still tearing at your heart in places.

I can tell you this, when a man runs from someone he loves because they are in dire straits, it's because he has issues, probably brought on as a child from something. I would never and I repeat, NEVER! Be able to live with the fact that I deserted my girlfriend with a cancer scare, or any health issue. I used to go with my ex girlfriend to every doctors appointment and when she was diagnosed with endometriosis, I went through all the visits holding her hand.

All I can say about him and what he might be thinking, is how sorry a guy he was to you. He probably feels that pang of guilt everytime your name comes up, or something reminds him of you. Instead of facing the music, he's running from it. Most people in this world would rather do that. It's a rare thing to meet someone who will eat a piece of humble pie and face up to the wrongs they have done.

I wish you luck in the future and I'm very sorry for your hurts. Trust me when I say that I know your pain and constant sense of wondering. It's sad when one leaves and the other stays behind.



Sincerely,

David

Blazefighter348@aol.com

Avatar for alicea825
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Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 5:00pm
Do you ever wonder why after more than a year you're still holding on to him? Have you dated anyone else? Do you think you've gotten your closure?

I broke up with my ex of 2 years about a year and a half ago and it's taken seeing him a couple times and talking again to actually get that closure. Calling your ex is not always a bad idea (if enough time has passed). Sometimes it helps with the closure. I cried the first time I saw him after we broke up, even though I knew I wasn't in love with him, it was hard. But the second, third and fourth times it was so much easier and has helped me move on.

Good luck, sweetie, and take care,

Alicea



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Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 7:04pm
No, no, it hasn't been more than a year. Same guy, but we broke up a year ago, then got back together after a couple of months. We were together August through April, after being together a week shy of a year the first time. This breakup has been since early April. No, hopefully I won't be holding on for a year! : 0

Edited 6/10/2004 7:06 pm ET ET by milton333


Edited 6/10/2004 7:13 pm ET ET by milton333

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Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 11:27am
Crap, there's an email from him in my inbox, from early this morning. I don't want to read it. If he had suddenly realized he's a jerk and should apologize, he'd have called, right? What could this email say? It's got to be something that will just hurt me and break my heart again, right? We haven't actually spoken a word to each other since late March, and his email communiques have been intensely negative.

I was actually ill all day yesterday, I thought I could handle the anniversary thing but my body was telling me differently. It reminded me of when I took the bar exam - I was confident, sure that I knew everything I needed to know, but couldn't stop throwing up, it was like there was a disconnect between my conscious mind and my body. So, yesterday was not a good day. I really thought this morning, though, that I would move on to a new day and a new phase of life, that the anniversary really was the end of all of it, that I could just wrap it up in my mind and tuck it away and not let it eat at me anymore.

What the hell does he want? What could that email say? Honestly, it's making me ill again just seeing it sitting there. I don't want to read it, really I don't. I don't think it will be good for me, I think it will be a setback, can I just ignore it and pretend I never saw it there? I'm not sure if I can just delete it, though. Advice, anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 11:46am
I don't know if this will help but... I know I would have to read it. If you don't you will always wonder. If it is negative then this could be what you need to realize you don't deserve such things. If it is good then maybe it can help with the healing process. Your post reminded me that Thurs "would be" my anniv. We are on the "outs" deciding if it's best to go our seperate ways and I know in my heart that it is the best thing. It's so hard and I can't believe that things would end like this, but it's the card life has dealt me. All I know is that loving someone is so hard and letting go is even harder. I don't know if this will help, but it helps me knowing that I am not alone in having a broken heart. Best of luck!

Courtney

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Registered: 06-01-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:29pm
Milton your reaction is exactly what mine would be ...it's uncanny. Here's what I'd do and I've thought about this lots over the past few weeks. I'd print it, put it in an envelope and give it to someone you trust until you are able to read it without a reaction to it, no matter what it says. I'd permanently delete it from my inbox, not just put it in the trash. If you think you can't do all that without peeking, get someone to do it for you. I'd definitely read it, just not right now. Let us know what you do.

CB

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:33pm
Gees, knowing me, I would probably read it (and then re-read it, and re-read it, and so on....). Who knows what he could be saying. It is whether or not you are going to respond that will be your next question after reading it. Be careful.

Oh, and let us know what he had to say ;)

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